Obliterated Hopes
by merder4lifetime
Summary: Title reflects thoughts as MD fan post S6F. Vehemently disagree with SR that Mer's miscarriage was necessary for her to know she wanted a baby,and cringe at Rhimes/Vernoff S7P plans. Will attempt to turn obliterated hopes to hope/reborn and restored.
1. Chapter 1

_**To a mouse – Robert Burns**_

_The best laid schemes of mice and men_

_Go often askew,_

_And leave us nothing but grief and pain,_

_For promised joy!_

_Still you are blest, compared with me!_

_The present only touches you:_

_But oh! I backward cast my eye,_

_On prospects dreary!_

_And forward, though I cannot see,_

_I guess and fear!_

_When I chose Burns' poem, to include with the last chapter of Painful Doubts, little did I know how it would truly resemble the season finale. Perhaps, my sixth sense was very in tune with what the outcome would be._

_If you're reading this, it's likely you've read one of the others I've written; each a result of disappointment on screen. The end of season six, regrettably, was no exception._

_There's been a lot of post season six stories, and this one, may be one too many. But, as I watched the scene of Meredith's miscarriage all I could think of was that for us Mer Der fans, the hopes of a whole and healed Meredith being happy about her pregnancy, which we certainly saw over and over again on previews, were about to be crushed once again…hence the title of this story._

_Words fail me in regard to the steep disappointment of season finale. I fail to understand, no matter how eloquently Rhimes may insist, that you have to lose something to know how much you want it, especially when we are talking about a human life; yes, some can argue, it's a fetus, but to me, there is life at conception and with its continued nurturing it will become a human life. I did not have to lose people I love, to death, to know how much I loved them or how significant they were in my life._

_It is not a surprise, however, that Rhimes once again had to explain her season finale, through 20 questions and her blog. What a shame we, as viewers, are not given the respect of being semi intelligent beings. After all, how could we possibly interpret from the scenes we saw unfold that Meredith was actually happy about this unexpected baby, unless Shonda explained it to us. Likewise, (note the sarcasm) if her pregnancy had been viable, she certainly would not have known she wanted the baby, she needed to miscarry while standing over a patient, as her husband lay in an operating room, his life seemingly still at stake. Otherwise, Meredith Grey, would not have truly known she wanted their baby._

_Buckle up … next season…or the one following it will be angst filled as Rhimes says, "the beginning of the baby story" and sets up additional and dreaded cross-overs, which may not necessarily lead to Meredith and Derek having a baby one day. But whatever happens, don't despair, because we know that in life you can't have it all, so if Meredith gets her happiness, don't be too upset; surely she's going to lose all recollection of it when she gets Alzhemimer's and many will proclaim Rhimes' brilliance that it has all come full circle, and Derek sits by Meredith's side, holding her hand…and lives up to their marriage vows…if she gets Alzheimer's and forgets, he will remind her who he is…every day._

_Sorry…for the lack of optimism. Rhimes has effectively made me lose all hope for this couple, at least as it pertains to Grey's. Meredith will continue to be the one to kick, after all, having a childhood filled with parental abandonment, sitting in your mother's pool of blood and all the rest that has happened were not enough for this character…so let's give her a little more to handle…let's see how much more she can take._

_I have no faith, at all, that Rhimes or Vernoff will address the miscarriage with any sensitivity, instead it's likely to be one more thing to be swept under the rug, making room for whatever contrived brilliance is thrown our way._

_I just wrote the first two paragraphs below. Please, let me know if there's any interest in reading, before I make the effort of continuing to write it. Your feedback greatly appreciated. Warm regards, Jasmin_

_**Obliterated Hopes – Prologue **_

_Sanity's (not Rhimes')voiceover:_

Some people believe you have to lose something to appreciate it; they thrive in negativity of old adages that tell us that if you love something set it free and you don't know what you had until you lose it; songs have been written about these things, and as I look back over the years, all I can say is this: what a load of crap.

Sometimes, all it takes is a millisecond's glimpse into the future, where hopes and dreams unexpectedly unfold and you know with unequaled certainty that something quite extraordinary has happened; deep in the depth of your soul you experience the timeless joy shared since the beginning of time when soul mates fated to be together for their lifetime and beyond discover their love, passion and desire for the other has resulted in an amazing tiny miracle. Suddenly, nothing else matters but to find the best way, that very special moment to share the news with the love of your life.


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: Undoubtedly do not own any of Grey's characters. Likewise, writing this story to get a few scenes swirling around in my mind on paper, and intended purely as therapy. I've paid lots more attention to detail in the other five stories written. _

_Thanks to the nine of you that commented, not sure where this will go, but if you've read my other stories, it's surely about the love and commitment to each other and very likely, scenes we will never get on Grey's. There were three things I knew when I decided to write this: that Shonda's comment about Mer's miscarriage was a load of crap (hence the voice over; that I have no medical knowledge, in spite of doctors in the family and Dad's two open heart surgeries…and the other… you'll see in this chapter in regard to other's reaction to the miscarriage. A possible fourth idea…is playing around in my head…we'll see, but if you have read Shattered Dreams, you won't be surprised._

_Thanks for reading, if you don't find that this is a load of crap writing…and feel generous about leaving a comment, it would be greatly appreciated, and help to decide how much time/effort to devote to this and if it makes sense to continue. Warm regards, Jasmin_

_**Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 2**_

"Mer," Cristina called out startling her, optimism discernible in her tone.

"Huh…" Meredith turned toward her friend, quickly placing the once hopeful display of their unexpected child behind her.

"Derek's asking for you."

"Ok," Meredith said softly and watched her friend walk away, then taking a deep breath, she paused, her expression one of absolute heartbreak and devastation. She seemed paralyzed for a moment, attempting to come to terms with her loss, and as if needing to eliminate those miniscule moments of hopes and dreams that had suddenly manifested before her, she discarded the once positive result; discarded the evidence that within hours had turned to obliterated hopes.

Cristina, if she had seen her, would have realized that something had gone horribly wrong, because she'd just saved her husband and she had baby news to share, but the hollow sadness in her eyes did not reflect the joy of her husband's survival.

Derek, if he had seen her, would have immediately recognized the immense sadness reflected in her gaze, and done whatever was necessary to get her to talk. He'd get feelings, he'd once told her, where he knew what was about to happen next; he'd have known his wife was hanging on by a thread, attempting not to fall apart. Derek, if he had looked up at her as she stood in front of him earlier that morning, instead of focusing on the paperwork, would have seen a very different look in her eyes; they'd never looked so blue and bright as she smiled at him, a secret smile that held extraordinary news.

"You said he was asking for me," Meredith whispered almost accusingly to Cristina who had returned to the small enclosure of the cardiac care unit and was monitoring Derek.

"He did," Cristina told her, "but, you know he's going to be sleeping most of the time, and you needed to be here when he wakes up again."

"He…" Meredith took a deep breath, her heart racing and before a permanent lump lodged in her throat, she whispered, "Cristina…he…almost…I almost lost him…"

"But you didn't," Cristina said, "and…when he wakes up...you're going to give him great news," she smiled at her friend, and before she could say anything else a nurse walked in the enclosure, giving Meredith a moment of privacy as she closed her eyes and took several deep breaths while she attempted to deal with the reality of her loss.

Cristina gave the nurse precise instructions for Derek's care over the next several hours, and completely missed Meredith's reaction to her comment. She turned to look at Owen who'd just walked in the room and read over the chart, agreeing with her instructions, and discussing some added precautions in regard to his treatment.

"How is she doing," Owen asked Cristina as he glanced over at Meredith who was leaning into the railing of the hospital bed, watching over Derek.

"She's fine," Cristina told him. "She's going to be fine."

"Has she seen a doctor?"

"No," Cristina said, making the assumption he spoke of the pregnancy, the existence of which she believed saved Meredith's life. "She just found out today."

Owen looked at Meredith, her hand on Derek's forehead, gently pushing back his hair, as she'd done over and over in surgery, and then at Cristina and her comment sank in.

"Cristina," Owen pulled her aside gently, "has she talked to you?"

"Of course," Cristina whispered with a soft smile, "she said I was going to be the godmother."

Owen looked over at Meredith again, and took a deep breath. He'd have to break the news to Cristina. Evidently, since the surgery, Meredith had not said anything to her about the miscarriage "I need to talk to you," he said quietly and motioned for her to join him outside.

"Mer," Cristina walked over to her before following Owen, "he's doing well…all his vitals are good."

"I know," Meredith whispered, her gaze remained fixed on the pale, still body of her husband.

April Kepner walked up to Owen as he stood watching the two friends talk, and Cristina touched Meredith's arm in reassurance. "Dr. Hunt," the young woman said, "I brought this for Dr. Grey," she held a styrofoam container, "it's soup…she…she lost a lot of blood and she needs…"

"April," Cristina interrupted, "who lost a lot of blood? Are there more people hurt than I know about?"

"April," Owen said, "it's very thoughtful of you. We'll make sure she eats."

"Owen," Cristina asked, "what's going on?"

"Dr. Hunt," April's eyes watered remembering the moment Meredith had told them she was having a miscarriage. "She should see a doctor…"

"I know," he nodded, "she will. You need to go home. It's been a long day."

"Reed's parents are coming," April told him. "She was my friend. They shouldn't be alone when they see her."

"Owen," Cristina said, "April…what's going on?"

"Cristina," Owen said, "let's talk away from here," he placed a hand on her elbow, intending to speak to her alone and privately.

"Owen…tell me now…" Cristina saw the look exchanged with April before she walked away, and demanded, "Owen…what is going on?"

"It's Meredith," he said quietly.

"Meredith…she's fine…she's…" and April's words dawned on her, and she looked through the window of the critical care cubicle. "Owen…" her gaze searched his.

"Let's find some privacy," he whispered.

"What is wrong with Meredith?" Cristina asked again.

"While she looked at my wound," he cleared his throat and glanced over at Meredith, and was in awe of her strength as she stood by Derek's bedside, "she …" he closed his eyes for a second, shaking his head, almost in anger. "Cristina," he said quietly, placing his unrestricted hand on her arm, meeting her gaze, "she had a miscarriage."

Cristina's eyes filled with tears; rarely did she display her emotions, much less in public. But he knew, this news would affect her deeply, in spite of her personal views, which he was still trying to understand and now it was the woman she considered her person, her sister that had suffered a devastating loss. "No…" she whispered, "no…Owen…" their gazes remained locked, her eyes filled with sadness as she looked to her friend, and then, "Owen…" her tears flowed slowly down her cheeks, "not this too…"

Owen gathered her close to him, uncaring of the pain it caused, as he placed his free arm around her and she buried her face in his chest, her quiet sobs for her friend's loss a true reflection of the depth of the friendship between them. Cristina Yang, for the first time ever, allowed her emotions to flow freely in public, as she allowed the man she loved to comfort her before she had to face her friend.

"Meredith," Cristina walked to her side, "Meredith," she said again, when it was obvious her friend had become lost in her own thoughts.

"What…" Meredith turned to her, and their eyes met, and Meredith's filled with tears.

"Mer," Cristina whispered, and their gazes held, and in the silence that ensued, Meredith knew that her friend also mourned her loss.

Meredith pursed her lips and closed her eyes, tears falling freely, and then she felt Cristina's arm around her and sustained her weight, when all Meredith wanted was to crumple to the floor and sob.

"You need to see a doctor," Cristina told her. "Now."

"I'm not leaving him," Meredith told her. "I should have been here before."

"You had no idea when he'd wake up," Cristina reasoned with her.

"I'm not leaving," Meredith said defiantly, Derek's hand in hers.

"Then," Owen told her, "neither are we."

"You will at least sit down," Cristina told her.

"I'm fine."

"Meredith," Cristina said, "do you want me to worry about you…or concentrate all my efforts on taking care of Derek?"

"I'm fine Cristina."

"I'm sure you are," Cristina told her, "but, it's been a long day," she said, "we're here…for anything he needs. Please," she said, "sit down…if he even stirs, I'll let you know," and Meredith consented, knowing her husband's care was in the best of hands.


	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks to each of you that has been so supportive of this story and the attempt tomake sense of SF, which you clearly know how I feel about._

_Work is brutal right now, but really wanted to move story along, and instead of responding to your comments individually opted to write this chapter when I got home this evening. Please know, as you get to the end of the chapter, Meredith's words, the description of what she says to Cristina, is not something I'd expect her to be feeling; I used Cristina to convey a message. I read a similar description days ago and it stopped me cold; I needed to write the opposite of the emotion. _

_Thank you again for your comments, I hope not to disappoint you with the rest of my vision for this story. Warm regards, Jasmin_

_**Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 3**_

Over an hour had passed since Meredith had agreed, without resistance, to sit down. Her eyes remained closed, though she kept track of every beep and signal generated by the monitors attached to Derek's body.

Owen had insisted she eat, and again she offered no resistance, well aware she needed some nourishment. Cristina remained silent, standing close by Meredith, methodically going over the procedure in her mind; needing desperately to ensure this man, her best friend's husband, would recover without any significant repercussions. She remained silent until she heard the sharp intake of breath, and Meredith's almost inaudible, yet unmistakable sound of pain and discomfort.

"Mer," Cristina went quickly to her side, and whispered, "you're in pain…you need to see a doctor. I'm not taking no for an answer. There can be complications."

"I'm fine," tears welled and she closed her eyes again.

"Meredith, I kept my promise. I did my best work. Now, I need to take care of you," her eyes glimmered with emotion filled tears, "so when he realizes what happened, he won't need to worry about you."

"He won't have to worry," Meredith said, "because I'm not telling him."

"Mer," Cristina told her, "he has to know."

"Not now," she said, and looked away, "what's the sense…"

"He is your husband," Cristina told her, "he would want to know."

"I can't…" Meredith whispered, "I can't …"

"A lot of people know. You can't risk him finding out."

"I'll have to make sure they don't say anything."

"Mer…"

"Please…" Meredith closed her eyes, as tears rolled down her face. "I can't…Cristina…not this too…I can't deal with it…"

"Mer," she reached for her hands, held them in hers, and acknowledged her loss. "Nobody will tell him. I promise."

"Thank you," Meredith said as she allowed the tears to flow, and her friend sat on the arm chair and waited, but also paged Avery, and when he showed up, left the intensive care unit and gave him instructions before returning to check on Derek's recovery.

"Meredith," Owen said a while later, "Derek's trying to wake…"

Meredith was at his bedside immediately, and indeed his eyelids fluttered trying to wake, and she reached for his hand and held it, and prayed; she'd lost count of how often she'd done so during the last horrific hours. Ellis had not been a religious woman, though in the days where family had not been completely alienated, there had been an aunt that said nighttime prayers with her; but never before had she felt the gut wrenching fear and desperate need, and she'd decided as she sat waiting with April Kepner's hands in hers, to ask her to pray with her, as she herself begged whomever it was Carolyn Shepherd would trust with her son's life.

"Derek," Meredith said softly, her voice hoarse and barely recognizable, "I'm here…and I'd love for you to wake up…to see your eyes…but, if you're in pain or if you feel you need to sleep…it's ok…I'm not going anywhere…you're ok…that's all that matters…I love you Derek…"

Owen placed his hand on Cristina's back and whispered, "let's give them some privacy. We can be right outside," and they did. However, he walked away briefly to take a call.

"Sloan," Owen asked, "how's Karev? That's great news. He's trying to wake up now. Meredith is with him," he responded to each of Mark's questions. "She's holding up, I'm quite in awe of her. Good…that's good…did you reassure her, that the surgery went well? You can tell her when you get here. No, she has no idea that Karev was hurt."

"Derek," Meredith continued to talk to him, his hand in hers, while every so often she'd so very tenderly caress his forehead. "Cristina did a great job…she promised me, she'd do her best work…and she did, we're never going to hear the end of it…how she saved your life…I love you Derek…you have to rest and get well…that's all you need to do…I love you…I love you so much," she'd pause intermittently and gather her composure, as she talked to her husband, and then, suddenly she felt a weak squeeze of her hand.

"Derek," she tried not to choke up, and gently caressed his hand, "you're doing great…you squeezed my hand…that's the best thing all day…"

Derek's eyes fluttered open and finally their gazes met; both reflecting pain and hope. Pain reflected the fragility of life; hers predominated by heartbreak over the child that could have been and he knew nothing about and fear over the continued fragility of his. Derek's was fueled by decades old memories, horrible moments reliving his father's death and the absolute agony when he'd realized Meredith was by his side as he felt his own blood soaking through his clothing, and that a crazed gunman was still on the lose. Hope was found in the reflection of two people who'd feared the worst, losing each other; hope was what could only be found by looking into the depth of each other's soul and giving thanks for the other being alive.

"Derek," she leaned in carefully and infinitely gentle placed her lips on his; she'd vowed during the endless waiting outside the operating room, that he'd never have to ask for a kiss again; and the second he opened his eyes, she tenderly kissed the side of his lips, the side unaffected by the tube still in place. "I love you."

He squeezed her hand again, the strength barely there.

"You don't have to move, don't use up any energy," Meredith told him. "Derek…I'm here…and you're trying to wake up…but you can sleep…I'll be holding your hand, I won't leave you."

He squeezed her hand again and eyes filled tears met again. "I love you," she said, "I love you so much."

She realized she was crying, tears rolling down her face, and of course he'd be worried.

"I'm ok…I am…" she wiped the tears away, "I'm happy…you're ok…you're doing well…recovering nicely…and Owen and Cristina have been here with me…they're monitoring you carefully…I'm ok…I promise…don't mind me crying," she said, and he blinked in acknowledgment and with all the strength he could muster squeezed her hand.

"They're monitoring you…and I know it can't be comfortable…but they will probably take you off the ventilator in the next twelve hours," he nodded.

"You're going to be tired…that's normal…so you can sleep…now that I've looked in your eyes…you're going to be fine…" he blinked rapidly, but tears rolled down his cheek.

"Are you in pain…" he squeezed her hand once.

"Yes?"

He tried to make a sound. "No…you know you can't talk…" He squeezed her hand twice.

"You squeezed my hand once…then twice…once…is no?"

He squeezed twice.

"Twice is yes?" He squeezed twice again, his grip become weaker.

"Ok…once is no and two is yes…" she repeated and he made the effort to nod.

"Ok…" she said, "you're not in pain, that's good, and you know you can't talk with the tube. It will be out soon…I'm sure of it…but now…you're weak…and you need to rest…ok…and when you wake up again you'll be better…" she said, though she knew she lied, because his physical discomfort would get much worse before it got better.

"I love you," she leaned in to touch his lips again, "and I'll be here…every time you wake up…I'll be here. Can you open your eyes for me…just once…if you understand…" and he did and he blinked.

"Now sleep…" she told him, "get some rest…I love you," she said again, uncaring she sounded like a broken record. Soon his breathing indicated he was sleeping again, and she kissed his forehead, and then Cristina and Owen walked in and checked his status.

"Mer," Cristina said, "he's going to sleep for a couple hours at least. Owen will stay here…you need to come with me."

"I'm not leaving…"

"Yes. You are."

"Cristina…"

"He will not be unattended," Cristina told her and was shocked when Meredith did not fight her as she guided her out of the room. "Dr. Cameron is waiting to see you."

"I told you…" Meredith said.

"You need to see him."

"It's…there's nothing…" she faced her angrily, "nothing to do…"

"There is. We need to make sure you're ok."

"Fine," she said, and walked toward the bathroom where Cristina followed and waited for her friend and heard a heart wrenching sob; and then several minutes later the sounds of someone retching what little contents could be found in her stomach.

Meredith walked out of the stall and after washing her hands, cupped cold water in her hands to wipe the traces of tears away. "You're right. I should see a doctor."

"Dr. Cameron is the best. I made sure of it. Avery asked his grandfather; he's the best in Seattle and he's here at his request…luckily he also has privileges here."

"I said fine." Meredith headed to the door, "I need to be back when Derek wakes up."

"I know," Cristina stopped her, "you don't like me very much right now. But, my life would not be worth much, if I saved Derek's and he woke to find something wrong with you. He'd kill me, and I'd never forgive myself."

Meredith allowed Cristina to guide her to an examining room. "Dr. Cameron, I'm Cristina Yang, thank you for getting here so quickly. This is Meredith Grey, Dr. Shepherd's wife."

"Dr. Grey," the doctor said, "I was told your husband's surgery went very well. I'm sorry we meet under these circumstances."

"Thank you," Meredith said quietly. "I wish it was different too."

"I'll need for you to tell me what happened. Dr. Avery only told me only you'd suffered a miscarriage today."

Meredith closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, remaining quiet.

"I'll wait outside," Cristina said, "the examining table is ready," she said, having draped the table with the corresponding disposable cover.

"No," Meredith reached for her hand; held on to it for dear life. "Stay."

"We'll give you a few minutes," Dr. Cameron said, and while he and Cristina walked out Meredith removed the obligatory clothing and sat on the examining table with the disposable sheet covering her from the waist down.

"Dr. Grey," he said, "I need to know what happened…how far along were you? Anything you feel is relevant for me to know," he said, as Cristina went to stand at the head of the table, giving Meredith the privacy she'd need during the examination, while offering her emotional support with her presence.

Meredith related her symptoms, her recent discovery of the pregnancy; and Cristina's heart ached for her friend, as she clinically and rather detached repeated what Cristina knew had deeply affected her, and finished by telling him she'd felt the cramping and then the loss of blood; both of which continued during the last several hours, though it seemed to be getting worse not better, as she described the recent loss of what she told him must be fetal tissue when she'd last been to the bathroom.

"Meredith," Dr. Cameron said, "may I call you by your first name?"

"Yes."

"Your symptoms at this time indicate you've had an incomplete miscarriage. It's not uncommon that it takes care of itself naturally, but it could take several days…and we could also perform a D & C which will require a couple days of rest and we can do so this evening."

"No," Meredith said adamantly. "That requires some sedation…and I can't…I have to be with Derek…I can't…I need to be there…"

"Mer…" Cristina said, "it makes sense…a D & C."

"No." She was adamant. "Dr. Cameron, can you explain the options…what I need to do…what will happen," she took a deep breath, "while…while…the rest is…"

Dr. Cameron talked to her with great gentleness, explaining the process from a clinical perspective, while he addressed the emotional loss. "We don't know how far along you were, I want to take a blood test…monitor your HCG levels, make sure everything returns to normal. I won't do an ultrasound now…" he was sensitive to avoiding the invasive procedure of a transvaginal ultrasound as her body continued to expel the fetal tissue, "but, I do need to examine you."

"I understand," she said, and closed her eyes and a few moments later felt Cristina reach for her hand, as her friend stood by her side and with a tissue wiped her tears away.

"The cervix is dilated. I'd expect within a couple days you will have minor bleeding only. I'd like to recommend you see your doctor with a follow up visit later this week."

"I hadn't been to one yet…" Meredith stated. "I don't want to repeat everything…would it be ok…would you do the follow up?"

"Of course," he said. "Why don't you get dressed. We'll give you a few minutes," and both he and Cristina walked out of the room for several minutes.

"Thank you," Meredith said, as she sat on the table and listened to his observations. "I'll follow your instructions…and if it gets worse, I'll come in to see you sooner."

"Meredith," he said, "you're a doctor…but right now none of what you've learned, what you know logically, matters much, except for your loss. But, I want to remind you of some facts," he told her all that which she already knew from medical school and the years at Seattle Grace, and spoke of the percentage of miscarriages, "and that there is no reason you will not be able to have other healthy pregnancies."

"My husband," Meredith said, "he…" her eyes filled with tears, "didn't even know…"

"I'd like to suggest," Dr. Cameron said, "when he's recuperated, that you both come in and talk to me. It will be easier…to answer some questions then, discuss your future plans."

"Thank you," she said. "I appreciate how thoughtful you've been."

Meredith remained sitting on the table and after the doctor walked out, her gaze was distant; her detachment concerning Cristina. But, then she saw the tears begin to slide down her cheek. "I'm sorry…rationally…I know what it all means…and you're probably trying hard not to shake me and make me reason, from a medical perspective, that science teaches us it was just a bunch of cells," she took several broken breaths, "that I didn't even have a chance to become attached to it…for more than a few hours...that I need to understand it was just a fetus at this point…that probably…" she choked on her words, "it wasn't meant…"

"I'm trying…" Cristina began, yet another layer of depth to the relationship between these two women, not so long ago strangers; then, taking her face in her hands, as she'd done earlier that day "to understand…how you can be so strong…when even my heart is aching…because…that was my godchild…"

"Oh…God…" Meredith's sob escaped her, "oh…God…" she broke down, finally. "I can't…I can't…deal with this…Cristina…I was having a baby…a baby…Derek would have loved so much…and I didn't tell him…he didn't know…Cristina…I lost our baby…" she said, and Cristina held her and silently cried for the loss of a baby, as gut wrenching and heartbreaking sobs wracked Meredith's body.

_A/N 9JUN – I've never experienced a miscarriage, but can only imagine the heartbreak it brings. I hope I have addressed this issue in a sensitive way, as it deserves to be; my heartfelt apologies if I have not. My intention was to show (and set up) the emotional reaction (given my lack of medical knowledge) by those affected, especially Meredith; in the next two or three chapters, I will address the others, and ultimately, Derek's reaction._

_If the real death or loss, perhaps she said tragedy, I believe Rhimes has stated, was the miscarriage, then it needs to be addressed, at the very least in fanfiction._


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N 12 JUN 10 – Thanks to each of you that has read my latest therapeutic MD story, and heartfelt appreciation to each of you that comment. It's very complimentary to get message/story alerts…if you think it's worth clicking those buttons, won't you consider clicking on review this chapter & send me a word or two of your thoughts? They really go such a long way in wanting to write the next update._

_I've absolutely no medical knowledge, in spite of Dad's two open heart surgeries and several angioplasties; perhaps, I've blocked them. These websites were helpful in trying not to sound so ignorant. (Circ ahajournals org/cgi/content/full92/9/20 with periods where there are spaces) (My Clevelandclinic org/heart/disorders/recovery )_

_**Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 4**_

Cristina embraced her friend. No additional words were spoken; none were needed as Meredith gave in to the overwhelming sense of loss and sadness, and her heartbreaking sobs ended almost as unexpectedly as they had begun, and then she pulled slightly away from Cristina.

"Thank you," Meredith held her friend's gaze, as Cristina took a deep breath in response; the only acknowledgment needed between them.

Cristina walked back with Meredith to the ICU, painful reminders ever present as Meredith had to stop in the ladies room along the way, and then she watched her friend lean over her husband, kiss him softly on the forehead, brush his hair back away from his face, not that it was necessary, but simply a gentle loving caress.

"Dr. Hunt," Meredith said, and almost immediately became less formal. "Owen, did he wake? Has he shown any indication he's in pain? Have they been in to check on him?"

"Every fifteen minutes," he replied, "they're hoping to get him off the ventilator in a few hours."

"They're fast tracking him…" Meredith said very quietly, deadly anger in her voice. "I won't allow it…they are not going to treat him as they do other patients…just trying to get them the hell out of here to reduce the cost of medical care. I do not want to take any chances and do not want to risk having to place him back on it…"

"Meredith," Owen said, "I assure you…it is not fast tracking…and they will obviously focus on the critical pathways. But, nothing will be done before he's ready…and you will be consulted in advance."

"He's been through enough…" Meredith challenged. "He will have the time he needs."

"You know," Owen told her, "the sooner he's off the better…just as you know the sooner he's out of here and recuperating at home the better that is as well."

"He got hurt because he did his job…at this hospital…and maybe…" she choked up, "if he'd been allowed to apologize…like we wanted to…like it's in his nature to…instead of having to worry about legalities and liabilities…maybe…everything would have been different," she told him. "I will not accept anything but the most thorough care for him."

"Mer," Cristina said, equally quiet. "I promised you I'd do my best work…I did…I promise you I will not let anything jeopardize or short change his care. Let us do our job, but you need to get some rest tonight."

"I'm fine."

"We both know you're not," Cristina was adamant.

"I'm not leaving him."

"He's going to be sleeping most of the night. Please, go lay down."

"Cristina…please…I need to be here…I almost lot him," she whispered, "too."

"Will you be ok," Cristina looked at Owen, "if Owen stays with you? I need to take care of some things," she asked, and Meredith nodded her consent, and after kissing Derek one last time, took a seat by his bedside, forced by her physical discomfort.

"Thank you," Cristina addressed the four people in front of her, "for waiting here…I know it's been a difficult day, and most of you want to be home with your families."

"Dr. Yang," Bokey, the sole nurse present during Derek's surgery spoke up. "How is Dr. Shepherd?"

"His recovery is coming along well…he was able to indicate he wanted to see Meredith…he's asleep again."

"When do they plan to take him off the ventilator?" The anesthesiologist asked.

"By the end of the night," Cristina said.

"That's good," the man said, "he's lucky our only scare was at the end; the rest of your work was flawless."

"How is Dr. Grey?" Bokey asked.

"She's going to be fine." Cristina said. "But…I need to ask a favor. Not for me, I probably haven't done anything in the years I've been to deserve it. It's for Meredith and Derek."

"Yang," Avery asked, "what's going on?"

"Today," Cristina said, "was very traumatic. But, for Meredith…" she paused, "it was horrific."

"Dr. Yang," the anesthesiologist said. "You had a gun pointed at your head…and you continued with a clear and level headed resolve that few surgeons have. You experienced a pretty horrific day yourself."

"There wasn't any option," Cristina stated. "But for him to survive."

"You acted instinctively," the anesthesiologist continued, "and it was a calculated risk, but excellent thinking, telling that monster that she was pregnant."

"He's right Yang," Avery said, "it was a brilliant move."

. "I didn't lie." Cristina told them.

"She's pregnant," Bokey said with a look of concern, "and went through all that today…is she ok? It was indeed very traumatic, watching her break down was heartbreaking."

"She is not ok," Cristina said, "it's the reason I asked to speak with you," she said, and explained that Meredith had only found that morning that she was pregnant and was waiting to get home that evening to tell her husband; instead he'd been gunned down w while she had suffered a miscarriage, and he lay in the intensive care unit and did not want to upset him further at this time.

April had remained quiet as did Jackson, both having witnessed the extraordinary actions by Meredith Grey; literally willing to forfeit her life for the people she loved. Bokey's expression was filled with sadness as she heard April's account at Cristina's urging. The four that had been witness to her agony when she believed her husband was dead and now knew of the loss of their child.

"Thank you," Cristina said. "Meredith is trying to cope, but I don't think she can handle everyone knowing, especially when Derek doesn't."

"Dr. Yang," the anesthesiologist cleared his throat. "I think I speak for all of us, that this will not be discussed. You and Dr. Avery make a good team. Both of you, outsmarted that lunatic, and your surgical skills saved Dr. Shepherd."

"Death," Cristina said, "staring you in the face has a way of making you brave."

Owen kept watch over Derek and Meredith; when he noticed her flinch in pain, walked over to her and bent his knees to a crouching position to be eye level with her. He touched her arm lightly, "Meredith, it's going to be a few hours before he wakes. You should go lay down."

"I'm ok," she told him. "I'm ok," she repeated, and he saw the same depth of sadness he'd witnessed as she tried to remain composed and uttered that she was having a miscarriage.

"Meredith," Owen said quietly, they all had been speaking in whispers, needing to ensure Derek could not overhear their conversations, in the off chance he would wake. "You're not ok. You're not expected to be…and today…" he shook his head. "I'm so sorry…so very sorry for your loss."

Meredith locked gazes with him, accepting his sincerity. "Thank you."

"I think," he insisted, "Derek would want to make sure you get some rest."

"I'm ok here."

The silence between them seemed to last for ages, until he spoke again. "I didn't understand before," he told her, "what you meant…about being a team…you and Cristina…I get it now…you're both lucky, blessed to have each other."

"She's my best friend, my sister…" Meredith's eyes watered.

"As you are to her," he said. "I know you don't have a lot of respect for me, and you're right in judging me because I've been dishonorable. I don't expect you to change your mind, but I want you to know that I'm also sorry for the way I treated you. I was unprofessional keeping you out of my OR. You and Derek are also a team, and husbands and wives share their lives…I get that now too…he was not betraying my confidence; he was sharing his day with his wife."

"I never told her…but I had to warn her, she has been hurt before. Burke betrayed her feelings, the trust she placed in him…and with you…she's been open, so much more so than ever before…I had to protect her before she got hurt again, and you did."

"Yes," Owen said, "I did, and I have a lot to own up to…I don't expect she'll forget all of that and be ready or willing to…"

"She loves you." Meredith interrupted him. "If you love her, if you meant what you said in the OR that she's the woman you love, don't waste time. Look at today, all of us could have been dead, don't take anything for granted," she said, and he saw her close her eyes and involuntarily a quiet gasp indicated her discomfort.

"I'm going to prove to her that I love her."

"Make sure you do," Meredith met his gaze, and words were unnecessary for him to fully understand the message, _or you will deal with me._

"Meredith," he said, and without giving her a chance to refuse helped her get up, "please…go lay down, take a pain killer. Cristina told me Dr. Cameron prescribed something," he stated, acknowledging as well that in spite of all that had happened between them; Cristina's ending things earlier, they too shared their lives, that trust remained, ever strong as they faced death in the face on this horrific day. "I will make sure to find you if he wakes, and before they attempt to extubate him."

She'd been feeling the constant cramping, and had to agree with him. She braced herself for what undoubtedly would continue, if she was lucky, for just a couple more days, as she was apparently not going to be spared the painful and excruciatingly slow process of nature taking its time to expel the remaining fetal tissue.

"You're right," she sounded so defeated, "I'm not ok."

"You will be," he told her, "I have no doubts about that."

"I hope so."

"Meredith," he continued, "I think, Cristina is damn lucky to have you on her team. So was I today. Thank you."

"She saved my husband's life," Meredith told him. "She said you were her guy…there was only one option."

The midnight hour approached, signaling almost seven hours after he'd been moved to the intensive care unit, hours after Meredith had seen Dr. Cameron and subsequent breakdown. Within the hour of Cameron's departure she'd returned to the ICU, and while at Cristina's insistence she had laid back in the standard hospital recliner; Owen's had made her realize she needed to get as much rest as she could, while Derek lay sleeping, because once he became awake and alert, she wouldn't be able to keep the truth from him.

Meredith had fallen into a light sleep, when she became aware of her own whimpers and forced herself awake, noticing as tears slid down her face, the nightmare making it difficult to breathe, and she closed her eyes, willing the disturbing images and message to be erased from her mind. The witching hour; the thought came to her mind as she glanced at her watch; surely, she took a deep breath, the whole damn day had been one that could fit the superstitious and dark thoughts associated with that term.

Unable to stay away from Derek's side any longer; sleep not an option as each time she closed her eyes she experienced the same painful doubts and fears brought to life in her nightmare; she took some time to compose herself and left the on call room towards the beginning of a journey, painfully unexpected, that she prayed would not in any way resemble the heartbreaking sadness of her recent nightmare.

_A/ N -This chapter is setting up, in small ways, how others are affected and react to Meredith's miscarriage; that's what the story is about, and eventually about hopes(obliterated by Rhimes' path) being reborn. Yes, the nightmare is very significant in the relationship between them._


	5. Chapter 5

_**Obliterated Hopes – Ch 5**_

"Meredith," Mark Sloan said very softly, as he stood by the chair adjacent to Derek's bed and placed his hand on her shoulder; she opened her eyes immediately, startled slightly by his presence.

"Mark…" her lips trembled, eyes watering immediately; emotions ruled by a heighted vulnerability, which the next visit to Dr. Cameron would confirm she'd be experiencing the effects of the hormonal rise for some weeks to come; decreasing naturally when the levels returned to normal.

"He's…" Mark took a deep breath, and she noticed the red rimmed eyes.

"Oh God," she rose immediately, unsteady on her feet as lightheadedness engulfed her.

Mark reached out to steady her. "Not so fast."

"Something's wrong with him…I can see it in your eyes…they're red and…oh…God," she walked way from his grasp and reached Derek's side, needing to assure he was breathing, that his heart was beating, and he followed.

"Nothing's wrong," Mark told her, turning her to look at him, "he's …"

"How…" their gazes met, "can there be nothing wrong…when he's lying in this bed because he had a bullet in his chest," she choked on her words, "and a machine is breathing for him."

"You know it won't be for long," Mark told her, "and all his vitals are good."

"But, "she said, their gazes ever wavering from the others "you…you've been crying."

"He almost died," Mark whispered, "he's…" he shook his head, as incredulity dominated his every thought about the last twenty four hours, "Shep's the closest thing to family…"

"He's going to be ok," she repeated, roles reversed, as she attempted to reassure him as much as she needed to hear it herself.

"He is," Mark told her, "I spoke with Owen and Cristina, when I first got here…"

"When," she asked, surprised by the comment and that she'd obviously fallen asleep. She'd have been even more so, if she'd witnessed Mark's reaction when he'd first seen Derek, unable to speak for several minutes, as he took deep breaths and Cristina went to his side and placed a hand over his arm as he got his emotions under control.

"You didn't hear us," Mark told her. "They've been gone about an hour, Hunt insisted she get something to eat and they'll be back in time to be here when they get Derek off the ventilator."

"Mark…is that wise…so soon? I told them I wouldn't allow the hospital to fast track his recovery…he's here because of…"

"There's no fast tracking," Mark told her, referring to the now common and hated practice by doctors, as hospitals and insurance companies worried about costs. "It has been made very clear Derek's to get the best care possible, Meredith…you know it's best to get them off quickly."

"I know…but Mark…what if it's too early and they have to…"

"Meredith, let's be optimistic," he said and hugged her, "he's going to be fine breathing on his own, and don't forget…he thinks you're his breath of fresh air, so every time he sees you, knows you're by his side…"

"Did he tell you that? About a breath of fresh air…" she said, remembering the night he'd first told her that; right after she confronted him about Addison; the explanation hadn't been enough then, but now, it was everything she had to hold on to, hoping it would be enough for him to want to survive the painful process of recovery.

"Yeah…" Mark said, thinking back to the months it took for their relationship to get back to some type of normalcy, and then as the months became a year and longer, somehow, ties and bonds of childhood, of almost a lifetime of caring and affection, eventually led to regaining his trust, "one night after he punched me, for sleeping with your sister, we had a heart to heart..."

"He loves you," Meredith said simply, reaching for Derek's hand gently.

"He's my brother," Mark swallowed hard. "I love him too."

"Mark, while Derek was in recovery I tried to call his mother. But couldn't reach her, I left her a message and she hasn't called me back. She needs to know what happened."

"She's on her way," Mark told her.

"How is that possible…I only asked her to call me. I waited…till he was out of surgery…while he was still in recovery, but I didn't tell her what happened."

"She heard your message shortly after seven out East and began to worry. Then, she saw the news; packed a bag and called his sisters on the way to the airport, she called me too. Told me she didn't want to call you…she was afraid to talk to you…afraid of the reasons you were calling, that he was dead and you'd try to keep it from her, until she got here."

"She's on her way…"

"Kathleen and Nancy are with her," Mark told her. "Luckily there was an eight o'clock flight that had been delayed till nine- thirty, they'll be here at one thirty, I'm going to get them at the airport."

"She's on her way…his family…" Meredith whispered absently. "He told me, when we first met…we had a horrible case…the patient had no one, that if he was seriously injured…his sisters would all want to be here…that he'd want them here."

"They're a close family Meredith, even if Derek hasn't been home in two years…they've been through a lot together. I know you and Nancy didn't hit it off…but, they care for each other, deeply."

"I'm beginning to understand, about family. A sister doesn't fly across the country for a twenty four visit, if she doesn't care."

"You'll see, when you meet Kathleen, she's totally different, though protective too."

"When you spoke to her, was his Mom ok?"

"She asked me the same thing about you," Mark told her, "how you were holding up?"

"I'm fine."

"Are you?"

"I am…I'm ok," she repeated yet again that day, trying to convince herself.

"Before Yang left, she filled me in on his surgery; mentioned what Avery did, disabling the monitor."

Meredith took a few deep broken breaths, trying to keep from breaking down completely, as vivid flashbacks of the moment she thought he'd died invaded all her senses. "He…," she started, "I…I was sure…he was dead," she whispered, and wondered if it was that moment, as she realized her life would never be the same, that signaled the beginning of the end of the life they had created, and he'd been rob of the same unexpected joy she'd experienced.

"He's going to be ok," Mark felt the absolute anguish manifested in her eyes, and reached out to hug her, a genuine affectionate embrace that comforted him as much as her, and would set the course for a lifetime of friendship,

"He has to be," Meredith's voice broke, "I don't want to imagine…my life without him…ever again," and the tears began to fall.

"Come on Grey," he soothed, "you don't want him to wake up and see you crying."

"He won't," she pulled away from him, wiping away a few remaining tears. "Mark, do you know if Lexie and Alex came back here? Cristina told me they'd had to deal with a critical situation …but, you weren't you there too?"

"It was pretty serious," Mark said, avoiding looking at her.

"It's just surprising," she said, "that she hasn't been here after what happened to Derek?"

"She doesn't know," Mark told her.

"Oh…I thought…you were working together. I assumed the three of you knew."

"No," he lied to her. "I was involved with the patient and when I heard about Derek, I tried to get here as soon as I could, but didn't get a chance to tell her."

"Alex doesn't know either then?"

"No, he doesn't," Mark admitted.

"Will you tell her? I don't want her to find from a stranger."

"I'll tell her," Mark interrupted her, attempting to avoid telling her about Alex's injuries. "As soon as she gets back here, I'll talk to her."

Meredith leaned over the railing on Derek's bed, placed a kiss tenderly on his forehead, careful not to wake him; giving him the time he needed to rest.

"Mark," Meredith spoke quietly, he was standing close to her still. "I learned something today…about life…how fragile it is…how it can be taken way in the blink of an eye…unexpected seconds that turn into heartbreak."

"I don't think a single person that was here today will remain unaffected," Mark said, "they're going to need to deal with the aftermath.

"Senseless…all of it…" she said and paused long enough to think how she was going to phrase what she wanted to say to him. "Lexie, she told me what you'd said, about marriage…and it kind of shocked me, but I know you haven't said anything else to her."

"Playing older sister," he smiled slightly, "she'd like to hear that."

"Do you love her? I know it's not really my business to ask, but she's my sister."

"She's in love with Karev…she's made that pretty clear."

"I started to say…earlier…life changes unexpectedly in just seconds…Mark…if you meant it…if you love her…"

"I'd like for her to be happy."

"Lexie loves Alex," Meredith turned to face him. "But, she's in love with you."

"I think," Mark told her, "it's all in the past between us."

"You give up easily," Meredith said. "It's a shame."

"Has she said anything to you?" He asked, a trace of hope in his tone.

"You've hurt each other," she said. "Don't let pride get in the way."

"You're very talkative about this…especially with me…"

"I lived a day in hell today…life's too short to settle. Make her see it."

Meredith checked all the monitors attached to his body, and the results registering all around her, then softly, with barely a touch, she kissed Derek's lips; her his hand in hers.

"You won't make Derek come after me," Mark smiled at her, "need more stitches."

"Be honest with yourself." Meredith told him. "Figure out if you love her."

"You're Karev's friend…they're together…she loves him."

"I don't want to see either get hurt, but she and Alex are not in love with each other."

"You're so sure," he said, privy to the truth that Alex's heart still belonged to Izzie.

"I am," she said, and they remained silent, ever vigilant of Derek's condition.

Cristina and Owen approached the ICU room and reviewed the latest notes on the chart together. "Mer," she said, "we've been talking to Teddy…she still hasn't returned here…but she agrees about the importance of Derek breathing on his own. She wants to be here when they extubate him. It will be another couple hours before she gets here, but she wants to make that attempt tonight. She increased the medication…to make sure he's resting as much as possible."

"A few more hours…" Meredith said, "is she worried…does she anticipate any problems…Cristina you can't lie to me…"

"Meredith," Owen said, "she's being thorough and cautious…she knows what she's doing. She is right in wanting to be here, and she's the best in her field."

"I'm going to go," Mark said, "I have about an hour to get to the airport."

"Mer," Cristina was by her side, "his family is going to be here. Are you going to be ok?"

"Yeah…" she said, "I am…" and moved out of the way so Cristina and Owen could monitor Derek's condition.

"Sloan," Owen said, "Meredith hasn't had anything to eat but half a cup of soup, why don't you take her to get something."

"I'm fine…"

"You'll be better," Cristina told her, "if you eat something. We're here and if Derek wakes up, we'll let you know."

The concern in both Owen and Cristina's voice over their friend's wife did not go unnoticed, and he placed a hand on her back to gently push her out of the room.

"I'm really not hungry."

"I get that, but you look as exhausted and pale as Derek, so no argument. Besides," he attempted to joke with her. "Don't you want to put on some make up and fuss over how you look before his family gets here?"

Meredith glared at him, "you think that matters…when…"

Mark put his arm around her shoulder, kept walking, "I know it doesn't…I'm trying to get your mind away from all that's happened. Meredith…deep in my gut, I know everything's going to be ok now."

"Mark," she said as they approached the resident's lounge, "do you mind…if I just stay here…you can get something to eat, you probably haven't done so either."

"Tell you what," he kept walking, "why don't we go to the doctor's lounge, there won't be anyone there at this time…you stay there, and I'll get something for both of us?"

Mark left Meredith settled on a couch, and returned shortly after, leaving her no choice but to eat a light snack. They sat silently next to each other until he told her it was time for him to leave for the airport, and that he was certain his family would be coming straight to the hospital before he walked her back to Derek's unit.

Meredith stood before entering Derek's small intensive care unit, watched through the glass partition as Cristina and Owen shared the one chair in the room, her head resting on his shoulder as he had his arm around her, both watching over her husband.

"Mark, do you think it will upset him…seeing his mother and sisters…I mean, it's right that they're here, but, should I tell him first…let him know he's recovery is coming along…but that as soon as they found they wanted to be here…I don't want him to wake up and …"

"I think," Mark told her, "once he's awake, you should tell him you called her, and that once they saw the news…there was no stopping his Mom…he'll know that's true…"

"Ok," she said quietly.

"Meredith," Mark said as he too watched the couple inside supporting each other. "I don't have to think about it. I know what I feel for Lexie."

"I know what she feels too," and uncharacteristically placed a kiss on his cheek. "Don't let her wait till it's too late to realize what you could have had…what you've lost."

"You mean," he smiled at her, though both saw through the sadness that had taken a permanent place in their hearts, as the horrors of the day became their past. "I'd get your blessing…if I can talk her into letting become your brother in law?"

"Something like that," she smiled, genuinely this time, wanting to see her sister happy; recognizing the bonds of the childhood friendship between this man and her husband would undoubtedly play a significant role in their lives in the years to come.

_A/N 18JUN – There's not a lot of depth shown about Mark, in my opinion on Grey's, but we saw glimpse during the storyline with his grandson, and there's got to be genuine affection between him and Derek, given he indeed has forgiven him for Addison! Hope this feels in character. Thanks for reading, your comments are always inspiring to write the next chapter._


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N 28JUN - I have the next chapter ready to post, but FF is not recording statistics since yesterday, which gives me an indication if anyone is reading. I've reported it to without response. You may want to report it, as I'm waiting till they fix it to post Ch 7 & HR next chapter. Thanks for reading._

**Obliterated Hopes – Ch 6**

Meredith walked to Derek's bedside and placed the back of her hand gently on his forehead, his temperature seemed normal, which was good; she worried about infections and complications, instinctively took his pulse even though the monitor display provided the information, but it was reassuring somehow to feel the familiar pulsations, indicating his heart was beating, and then she looked to Cristina for further reassurance.

"He's doing great," Cristina left the comforting cramped proximity of Owen's body and stood next to Meredith, "Teddy should be here in about an hour."

"It's so late," Meredith spoke quietly, her hand held his gently, not wanting to wake him, but desperately needing to feel close to him, "why doesn't she just wait till morning?"

"Mer," Cristina put her hand over her friend's arm, "it's best not to wait, you know that."

"He's sleeping," she choked up, "he looks so peaceful…when you wake him…he'll have to face it …all over again."

"You'll be right by his side," Cristina said, "that's all that will matter to him…"

"None of this…" Meredith whispered, and Cristina detected the anger and resentment, the hurt and disappointment that accompanied heartbreak, "today…it's all so unfair…"

"I know," Cristina said simply, and put an arm around her.

"Dr. Grey," the lead nurse spoke to her quietly, "there's a gentleman…in the waiting area. I think it's your father, he's been waiting here for hours…"

"You must be mistaken," Meredith stiffened.

"I don't think so," the nurse told her, "he'd been here for so long, in the waiting area without saying a ting, the staff thought he may have been in shock, after the day's events, so he was asked several questions just to be sure, he said his name is Thatcher Grey, and he was waiting to make sure his daughter was ok."

"He's likely waiting for Lexie, for my sister…"

"Dr. Grey," the nurse insisted, "he said he was waiting to make sure his daughter was ok…and that her husband was out of intensive care."

Cristina could sense Meredith's apprehension and acting accordingly made a decision. "I'll go. I'll be right back."

Owen watched the exchanged in silence, unsure of all the nuances related to the relationship between Meredith and her father. He was aware, having been personally affected, that Meredith and Derek likely shared most of their days with each other, including those things involving their closest friends; Cristina however, as much as she'd began to trust him and confide in him over the months, did not always divulge information.

"Meredith," Owen stood across from her, the distance of the bed between them. "Why don't you sit down. Derek's sleeping, he's unlikely to wake up and if he does you're only a few steps away."

"I'm ok."

"I'm sure you are," their eyes met, "but, it would be better if you get some rest."

"I'm ok," she said, needing once again to convince herself, her eyes filling with tears.

Owen walked around to her side and put his arm around her, "you will be," he whispered and led her to the chair, and handed her some Kleenex, "but, get some rest, while he's sleeping."

Cristina came back in the room. "It's Thatcher, he's been here since he found about what happened and they allowed people to come in. He knew enough to say he was Derek's father in law."

"He's worried about Lexie," Meredith distanced herself. "No," Cristina told her, "he's here because of you and Derek. He spoke to Lexie hours ago. He already knows she's ok, that she wasn't hurt."

"Why is he here then?" They'd hardly spoken since Christmas, after their disagreement over Richard. Though he'd show up at the hospital, to visit Lexie, and she realized now, he always made a point of seeing her too.

Cristina didn't give Thatcher Grey much credit, but she was simply repeating the conversation between them. "He said he'd wait until he could see you, however long that takes, whenever you have just a couple of minutes, he said he wanted to see you."

Meredith didn't react, simply closed her eyes and attempted to avoid dealing with any additional emotional disappointments, while she continued to feel the inevitable physical symptoms that were responsible for the heartbreak she'd eventually share with Derek.

"Cristina," her eyes remained closed, "Mark went to the airport…to get his family."

"They're all coming," Cristina whispered, "the whole clan?"

"Mrs. Shepherd and two of his sisters."

"Hopefully the bitch stays behind," she told Meredith.

"Nancy is coming," Meredith said, "so is Kathleen, they're the oldest two."

"Great…"

"He'd want them here," Meredith stated. "I have to deal with it."

"Meredith," Owen called out to her. "Looks like Derek's trying to wake up."

Meredith quickly rose to her feet, Cristina had to steady her as she once again felt lightheaded, "let me go," she told her friend.

"Let you fall flat on your ass?"

"It's not that bad," she glared at Cristina, who ignored her and walked with her to his bedside.

"Derek," Meredith said softly, holding his hand in hers, "are you trying to wake up…or…do you want me to let you sleep…are you in pain…do you need anything?"

"Mer," Cristina told her, aware of their no/yes communication system, though she wondered if he'd remembered given he anesthesia, "he can't talk, ask one question at a time, but don't worry, if he can't remember…what you…"

"Oh…right…you're right…Derek…if you can hear me…can you squeeze my hand," and he did immediately, this time his grip just a bit stronger than the last time he was awake, and then another gentle squeeze.

"You remembered," Meredith said gently squeezing his hand back, "two squeezes means yes…one…is no…" he squeezed her hand again, twice.

"Ok…are you in pain?"

One squeeze, though he knew he was lying to her.

"Do you need anything?" Another squeeze.

"Do you want me to let you sleep?" Another, stronger grip. No.

"You can sleep you know…I'm right here…I'm not going anywhere…"

Another squeeze, he didn't want to sleep. He wanted to wake up and see her, look into her eyes…tell her he loved her, that he remembered all she'd said as he lay in a pool of blood with a bullet in his chest; that he too had chosen her long ago, in his heart she'd always been his choice; that he'd never intentionally leave her, that if anything ever happened to her…his life would be an empty shell…that his soul would be alive only as long as she was with him; but he couldn't say any of those things, because he was weak as a newborn, and he couldn't even muster the strength to open his eyes, and he did the only thing he could, he held on to her hand squeezing as hard as he could, and involuntarily the tears escaped.

"Derek," she said, desperately trying not to cry.

Owen caught Cristina's gaze and indicated they should leave, which her friend did hesitantly.

"You're ok…" Meredith said again, and leaned into him, kissing the tears away, "you're going to be ok…"

He squeezed her hand, and finally he opened his eyes.

"Hey…" she whispered, her eyes filled with unshed tears and she smiled, "you're doing so well…they've been monitoring you every 15 minutes…" he shook his head ever so lightly, a movement almost impossible to detect and met her gaze intensely and she knew what he needed, and she placed her lips tenderly on his, the side of his lip that wasn't covered by tape and away from the tube.

He closed his eyes, squeezing her hand as tightly as he could, and again, she felt the tears on his cheeks, and gently pressed her lips to his again, before she kissed the tears away once more. "I love you…Derek…I love you so much."

It was at that moment his family approached the unit, but was held back by Cristina and Owen. "Mark," Cristina said, "he just woke up…Meredith hasn't had a chance to tell him, that his family would be here, she wants to do that first…let me tell her…"

"No," Carolyn Shepherd said, a hand still over her heart as she got over the initial shock of seeing her son intubated and with machines hooked to his body, "let her tell him. You can see…they need this time alone."

"Mom," Kathleen said, "you should see him…we want to see him…"

"I will," Carolyn Shepherd stated. "you will…when she's ready…"

"Mrs. Shepherd," Owen said, "I wish the circumstances were different to see you again."

"Thank you," she said and turned to Cristina. "Dr. Yang…Cristina…I believe…"

"Yes, ma'am…"

Carolyn Shepherd was not an overly sentimental woman, but she reached for Cristina's hand and held it. "Thank you, for saving my son's life. I understand…he would not have made it without your surgical skills."

Cristina was not a humble surgeon by any means, but on this day, she acknowledged her limitations, if only to a few, "I did my best…as a resident…"

"She saved his life," Owen said, "because she has tremendous skill, as a surgeon."

"He's Meredith's husband," Cristina said, "I did my best…for them both."

"Thank you, again," Carolyn told her. "We will always be grateful."

"Can you tell us," Kathleen asked; Nancy was withdrawn and quiet. "Give us any more information…Mark filled us in on what happened about the gunman…but Derek…his health…the surgery."

"I'm…" Cristina started, "I'm his doctor…I'm not supposed to…"

"She worked," Owen reached for her hand, "under the most difficult of circumstances," and shared as much as he felt was relevant to reassure the three women in front of him.

Meredith, in spite of being totally oblivious to her surroundings, to anything other than her attention on Derek, caught a glimpse of the activity outside the room, and realized she had to tell him.

"Derek…do you need anything?"

One squeeze.

"Are you in pain?" He lied again, one squeeze; no sense in worrying her, he could see it in her eyes, this look he'd never seen before and couldn't quite identify, but he was determined not to add to her fears about his well being.

"Derek…" she said softly, kissing his forehead first, her lips lingering, "when you were in recovery…while I waited…I remembered what you said to me…one of our first cases together…that if you were ever hurt…you're family would be here…"

His eyes opened wide and closed again, making her doubt if she'd done the right thing.

"While I was waiting, I realized I should call your mother…and…"

He squeezed her hand twice, and she felt a hug sense of relief that he wasn't mad she'd taken the liberty.

"I didn't even get a chance to talk to her, I had to leave her a message to call me, but she saw the news and didn't wait, she just made arrangements to fly here. She called Mark on the way to the airport…she was sure…I'd keep things from her…not want to upset her."

Derek met her eyes…in his own way, willing her to understand him. He squeezed her hand reassuring her, that it was ok, that she did the right thing.

"You think it's ok…I did the right thing…" he squeezed her hand twice.

"Your Mom…" she said, "she's here now…and two of your sisters…" she noticed the immediate change in his gaze, almost fearful, and didn't quite understand it. "Kathleen and Nancy, they were able to fly out with her…" instantaneously the concern she'd seen briefly was gone from his eyes.

"I'm going to get them," she said, "so you could see them," his hand squeezed hard, not letting her go. "Derek…your Mom is probably worried sick…she'll want to see you…" he squeezed once more. "You don't want her in here…" he squeezed twice.

"Only your Mom," she interpreted correctly. "I'm going to get her," she kissed his lips, "and give her some time with you," he squeezed her hand, not letting go. "You want me to stay…when she's here?" Yes, his two grips were again getting weaker, he was tired. One last kiss on his forehead, and she walked away and they all watched her approach.

"Mrs. Shepherd," Meredith said, her voice quivering in spite of her resolve not to fall apart; his family was here, and that only helped to reinforce the seriousness of his physical condition, "he wants to see you…just you right now…"

"Meredith," Carolyn approached her, noticing the fragility and vulnerability of the woman in front of her and reached out to hug her, "thank you…for calling me." Meredith felt the sobs rise to her throat, threatening to choke her, and some unrecognizable part of her wanted desperately to give in to the comfort of this woman's embrace; a mother's embrace she'd never experienced. "He's going to be ok…he is…I know it…" she said, and grasped Meredith's hand in hers and walked to her son's bedside.


	7. Chapter 7

**Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 7 **

Derek's eyes closed the moment Meredith left his side; but his mind was alert since the moments he'd had with her; though now exhausted, in spite of the desire to be awake, to be able to look at her, to accept he'd survived and that he'd live, just as he'd told her.

Carolyn Shepherd walked in the room and froze, as much as she wanted to, unable to move; unable to deal with the possibility, she felt was still hanging over their heads, of losing her son, just as she'd lost her husband, to a bullet.

"Carolyn," Meredith whispered softly, encouragingly, meeting his mother's eyes, "he's doing well…really well, and he's going to be fine," she felt the strong grip of her hand, saw the instant glitter of unshed tears as her own formed, "he promised me, and he won't let me down."

Carolyn took a deep breath, her eyes never leaving Meredith's and gripped both her hands and simply nodded, her lips pursed; so like Derek's expression, nodded and allowed Meredith to pull her gently to Derek's side, and in the years to come both women would look back to that moment in time as the absolute second their unexpected and incredibly strong relationship began.

"Derek," Meredith spoke softly, and gently let go of one his mother's hand, the other remaining firmly in hers. "I'm back…" she reached for his hand, "with your Mom. But, she knows you're tired, so if you want to sleep, it's ok…she understands," she felt two gentle squeezes, from mother and son.

"Ok," Meredith said, "we're both right here…you take your time waking up, we're not going anywhere."

Carolyn Shepherd stood quietly, the strength of this woman, that so clearly loved her son, feeding her own; her usual unshakable strength depleted and now filled with doubts and fears that she desperately needed to get under control before she looked in his eyes, and Derek obliged by giving her long minutes before he would look into hers.

"Derek," Meredith spoke tenderly as his eyelids fluttered, "take your time," another squeeze from Carolyn, and then, he opened his eyes and she smiled at her husband. "Welcome back," she spoke tenderly, "we have company."

Derek's gaze concentrated on Meredith, something was off with her, he could see it in her eyes, there was a sadness he'd never seen before. Maybe he was just imaging things, but he had a feeling, deep down inside that told him there was a reason for the look in her eyes, maybe she was holding something back, maybe he was paralyzed and didn't know it, but he dismissed that immediately, he knew he could move. He squeezed her hand weakly, as that was all the energy he could muster.

"I'm going to let your Mom hold your hand," she felt one squeeze, "I'm not going anywhere…I'll be right here…but she's flown a long way, and you should reassure her…that you're going to be ok…I told her you promised me…" his eyes never left hers, "and you won't break that promise…I know you won't," she smiled at him and leaned in and softly kissed his lips, and he closed his eyes, and squeezed her hand twice, and then before she released his hand she kissed his forehead once more and he opened his eyes.

"Carolyn," Meredith smiled at her, letting go of Derek's hand and simultaneously replacing it with hers, "one squeeze is no…two is yes…but you need to ask one question at a time…I bombarded him earlier and had to be reminded by Cristina and sometimes…you'll just have a squeeze to let us know he's listening."

"I love you son." Derek squeezed his mother's hand softly and then again, but as strong as he wanted to be for her, wanting to spare her the pain and fear he instinctively knew she would feel, his eyes filled with tears. "Meredith assures me you're going to be fine, and I believe she's right…because you wouldn't break a promise to her," Carolyn squeezed the hand, she was still hanging on to, of the woman she knew was his soul mate, while Derek squeezed his mother's hand once. No, he willed them to understand, he would not break his promise to Meredith, not if he had any breath left in him to fight.

"Kathleen and Nancy are with me," Carolyn spoke evenly, "Maggie couldn't make it on time to the airport…but, she's flying out tomorrow; the guys will take over for the next few days. Amy will be here in the morning as well," Derek's eyes alerted his mother first, while the monitor immediately registered an increase in his pulse alerting both women. But, Carolyn addressed the issue flawlessly, understanding the deep rooted reasons.

"Derek," Meredith said, her hand on his arm, "please…stay calm…for me…"

"Sweetheart," Carolyn spoke quickly, "Kathleen and Nancy are going to get her at the airport, we've already spoken with Amy…she know your surgery went well, that you're responding well…and she wants to be here," his pulse rate remained higher than it had been, in spite of the medication to keep it slow, "Derek…she needs to be here, we all do."

"Derek," Meredith spoke to him, "are you upset…squeeze your Mom's hand," he lied, one squeeze. "Are you in pain?" No, he lied again, why worry them, he knew it was normal and expected. "Do you want us to let you sleep," No, he squeezed as hard as he could, though he was losing energy. He did not want to be left alone, and Carolyn repeated his responses to Meredith.

"We won't go anywhere," Meredith assured him.

"Derek," his mother spoken again, "Amy will be fine," she said and squeezed Meredith's hand, as a tear escaped and slid down his face, and then another after he closed his eyes.

"Carolyn, he's getting upset, I don't want him upset," Meredith reacted quickly.

Carolyn said, "Derek…Meredith is right…but sweetheart…" he squeezed her hand, willing her to understand, as he squeezed once, never letting go. "No…you're not upset."

"Yes," Carolyn's eyes watered, "you are," she knew her son, "because you're worried, about Amy…" he squeezed her hand once, saying no, and he looked at Meredith.

"You're worried…about Meredith," two gentle squeezes, and Carolyn immediately traded places, placing Derek's hand in Meredith's.

"I'm ok," Meredith told him, "don't worry about me," two squeezes. "Please…don't worry about me," one squeeze. "You're not worried about me," two squeezes, he closed his eyes frustrated.

"Meredith," Carolyn said, as if it suddenly dawned on him, "doesn't know."

He squeezed Meredith's hand firmly, "there's something I don' know…and you want me to know?" He opened his eyes, looked to his mother, and squeezed Meredith's hand, "something you want Carolyn to tell me?" Yes. "Ok, Carolyn…will tell me…whatever you want…"

"Derek…" Carolyn said softly, "I'll tell her…before Amy gets here," two squeezes of Meredith's hand, as the two most important women in his life, somehow managed to silently understand each other's thoughts.

"Derek," Meredith said, "you need to rest now." No. "Yes, you do," Meredith told him.

"She's right sweetheart. I've tired you out, and I should have known better."

No. He let Meredith know. "I think," his wife said, "your Mom and I agreeing overrides you, don't you think?" she smiled at him, "and we won't leave, we'll still be here."

"Derek," Carolyn said, "you need to rest and trust me, Amy will be fine. Nancy spoke to Addison and she was telling Amy, she also offered to come with her, but Nancy told her not to. This is a time for our family. Yes, I will tell Meredith, but your wife is right. I've talked too much, and you need to rest."

"Derek," Meredith felt the one squeeze, "please…get some rest…we'll be here…"

He grew frustrated, willing her to understand he didn't want to succumb to sleep again, he preferred being alive and awake in their presence, and he thanked God; yes, he remembered prayers long ago forgotten as he'd prayed and begged while he lay in a pool of blood for God to help him, for God to let him survive, for God to keep Meredith safe; all in the few seconds it took to realize what had happened and he felt life possibly slipping away, and now he gave thanks for the way his wife and mother were so obviously understanding each other.

"Sweetheart," Carolyn said, "you can't want us to keep on chattering away…" Meredith felt the two small squeezes of her hand.

"Derek," Meredith giggled, and his soul knew joy at the sound, "you actually want to hear us talking away… he does Carolyn…"

Carolyn smiled and hugged Meredith and again his soul rejoiced. "You should know, I think I broke a record of rosaries on the way here; though Father Hugh assures me that we only need ask once, to Father Dennison's eternal dismay. But, I was not taking any chances…not with your life…even though I agree with Father Hugh, and I think God really doesn't even need for us to ask." Carolyn continued her obvious nervous chatter "He already knows what we need; Nancy, though…agrees with Father Dennison, and I think she just about wore out her beads," and Derek eyes watered, and as a single tear escape Meredith kissed it away.

"Kathleen," Carolyn saw the loving affection Meredith bestowed on her son, as she continued her monologue, "though, was having no part of rosaries…she said she knew you would be fine, and that God was looking out for you, as was Dad," and then both mother and son shared the exact same look of sadness, "and I know…Dad won't let me down," Derek squeezed Meredith's hand tightly, "not ever again."

"Carolyn," Meredith's eyes watered, "Derek agrees with you."

"I know," Carolyn's hand touched his face, "we know… Dad won't let us down."

Teddy Altman entered the room, but remained silent for almost a minute, somehow understanding the poignancy of the moment. "Meredith, Derek…"

Meredith turned to her, then back to her mother in law. "Carolyn, this is Dr. Altman our cardiothoracic attending."

"Dr. Altman," Carolyn said, "It's been a long day for all of you. We appreciate you being here so late tonight."

"Mrs. Shepherd," Teddy said, "from all accounts, Dr. Yang did an amazing job with his surgery as well as his post op care. I just wanted to be here to offer moral support when we take him off the ventilator," and they all took note of Derek's increased vitals.

"Derek," Teddy approached, "everything is looking great. I've reviewed your chart and have been following your progress, and I would not have wanted to be in any other hands. Cristina Yang is going to give me a run for my money," she attempted to joke.

"He agrees with you," Meredith said.

"I'll have to tell her that," Teddy said.

"Derek doesn't want you to," Meredith said as he squeezed her hand once. "I think," she correctly interpreted his thoughts, "he may want to tell her himself," two squeezes.

"You're going to get that chance," Teddy said, "very quickly. Derek," she spoke to him directly, "Cristina and Owen will be here in a few minutes. We're going to get you off the ventilator. I think you will handle it just fine," his pulse became agitated, his blood pressure rose, "and you know that it's the absolute best course of action, to have you breathing on your own…I'm sure you can handle it, that's why…"

"He knows…" Meredith said, as he squeezed her hand.

"Do you trust me with this?" Teddy Altman asked him.

"Yes," Meredith answered for him.

"I'm going to ask Meredith and your Mom to leave until we take care of this, and when you're settled, they can come back in."

"He'll want me to say Meredith said," but he squeezed her hand no.

"You don't want me to stay?" Meredith met his gaze.

"Meredith," Teddy said, "you know we don't have family members present when we do these procedures."

"I think," Carolyn placed an arm around Meredith's waist, "Dr. Altman is right, we can wait for a few minutes, give you a chance to talk to Nancy and Kathleen, fill them in on how well he's doing, and we'll be back shortly."

"But…" Meredith wanted to argue, her hand still in his, and then felt two gentle weak squeezes. "You really want me to go…"

Yes. He desperately wanted her to understand he wanted to spare her any possible complications. She'd seen enough of him clinging to life for one day; he knew the risks of the procedure about to take place and did not want her to witness him struggling for air and the possibility of having to be placed back on the machine.

"Derek," Carolyn said and leaned over to kiss his forehead, and then made the sign of the cross as she whispered a well known prayer, "you are going to be fine, my prayers will be answered. I'll give you a few minutes with Meredith and then we'll be back when you're all settled."

"Meredith," Teddy said, "we won't be long…we'll get you as soon as he's resting comfortably. We'll be outside waiting when you're ready."

"I understand," Meredith said to him, "I really do…but I don't want to leave you."

He closed his eyes and opened them again, his gaze intensely locked on hers, and then she felt only his thumb caressing the back of her hand. "Have you changed your mind, can I stay?" No.

"Are you trying to tell me something else?" Yes.

"So…this means something else?" Yes.

"I don't think," she smiled at him, "Teddy's going to let me stay and figure it out."

The gentle caress again.

"She's right you know, the sooner you're off is better…and then you can tell me…"

Yes, he squeezed, but still the soft caress.

"I'll be back as soon you're settled," she smiled, and then she leaned in to kiss his lips softly. "I love you Derek," and she felt the strong hold on hers, and two squeezes and his eyes locked with hers, the gentle caress of his thumb.

"You love me too," she smiled. "Two squeezes…to tell me you love me too…" and he did not squeeze back, but continued his slow movement over hand.

Meredith's eyes watered suddenly and she said softly, as she caressed him just as he was doing, his hand in hers, her thumb gently over the back of his hand, "this means you love me…" YES, he wanted to shout, as he squeezed her hand tightly twice.

"Oh…Derek…I love you so much…so much…" and she placed her lips on his, "I'll never stop telling you…you're going to get so sick of hearing it," she smiled, and then heard Cristina's voice.

"Mer…" she walked up to his bedside and smiled. "You're being McDreamy…aren't you, even now?"

"He is…" Meredith said, and kissed his forehead one more time.

"If you let us extubate him," Cristina told her, "he can continue practicing his charm."

"Cristina," Meredith said, "you'll be here…the whole time…"

"I'll be here," her friend assured her, "and you'll back in here before you know it."

"Ok…" Meredith sighed. "I love you," she said to Derek, he caressed the back of her hand. "I guess," Meredith smiled, "I should say, I love you too."

"You two are rather disturbing," Cristina said, but was unable to keep the smile from her face. Derek Shepherd was going to survive this, or she'd kill him.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N 9/26/10 - Dear Maureen, I've just read your reviews on Ch 1- 6, and I cannot tell you how very inspiring they are. You humble me truly, with your comments, and hope I will continue to write a story that always speaks to that love of legends between Meredith & Derek ; that love of legends Rhimes alludes to yet so often insists on pulling the rug out from under us, and continues to dangle the carrot and then sweep hope away for us fans that would eventually like to see Meredith and Derek have a baby or two and let us enjoy them as a family. You always have the most thoughtful and inspiring comments and I extend heartfealt appreciation for taking the time to do so. I don't have a link to resond, but wanted you to know how much it does mean to me. Warmest regards, Jasmin _

**Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 8**

Meredith left Derek's ICU reluctantly, but aware it was likely the best thing for them both.

Mark had led Carolyn Shepherd and her daughters to the nearby waiting area, and when Meredith approached, though she had not planned to stay there long, she knew she had to at least speak to his sisters briefly, she saw Mark talking to her father.

Thatcher immediately rose and paused facing her, uncertain what to do, and she knew she couldn't ignore him; if for no other reason than the inevitable judgments she expected from Derek's sisters, may as well give them less to find fault with her about.

She took a deep calming breath, and then walked up to face her father.

"Meredith," he said, "how is Derek?"

"He's responding well," she said, the nervous signs apparent to the man who'd been married to Ellis Grey, as their daughter fidgeted with her wrist watch.

"And you…" Thatcher asked, "Meredith, how are you?"

Mark remained quiet, and placed his hand on her shoulder, giving a reassuring squeeze before walking away and joining Derek's family.

"I'm fine," Meredith told him, and he noticed the slight hesitation.

"Would you like to sit down?" He offered hesitantly. "Can I get you anything? Can I do anything for you? Have you had anything to eat today?"

Meredith felt like breaking down and crying. Why was this man, this virtual stranger to whom she'd given part of her liver, asking her these questions, why was he pretending to care? But, she sat down; unsure if it was the physical discomfort as her body continued to empty itself of the baby, or simply wanting to pretend that she too had a parent that cared; one less thing for his sisters to find lacking in her.

They sat in silence, much as they always did; but then, this stranger whose DNA she carried reached over and placed his hand ever so briefly over hers; stopping the fidgeting. "Your mother did the same thing…when she was nervous or upset, with either the wrist watch or as you are now…your fingers unable to remain calm."

She took a couple of broken breaths; unable to deal with this sudden and apparent paternal interest. But, somehow, Thatcher Grey became a parent to Meredith, if only momentarily. Perhaps, she thought, it would be enough, if he helped her pull off the charade. "He's going to be ok, Meredith. I was speaking with Dr. Sloan and he said there was no reason Derek won't recover fully."

She nodded her head in acknowledgement, and then another shocking surprise.

"Meredith," she heard the deep familiar voice, "Thatcher."

"Richard," Thatcher spoke to the man responsible for the breakup of his first marriage.

"Didn't see you last week," Richard said. "Is everything ok?"

"I visited my daughter and granddaughter back East. I got back on Saturday."

"Good," Richard said, "that's good."

"Congratulations," Thatcher told him, "you were to get your six month chip."

"Adele was there," Richard acknowledged. "She wondered about you too."

"Thank her," Thatcher said, and there was an expected silence as Richard nodded.

"Meredith," Richard said, "Hunt and Yang spoke to me earlier, voiced your concerns about Derek being fast tracked. I want you to know the Board has given instruction that Derek is to receive the best possible care for as long as necessary."

"You've taken your job back," Meredith stated simply, resentment registering in her tone.

"I've been asked to assist during Derek's recovery," Webber replied. "I'm going to check on him, I understand Dr. Altman is here now, and they will attempt to take him off the ventilator." Meredith nodded, too stunned to say much more to the two men who by birth and default, at one point or other, had played a symbolical paternal role in her life.

"You stay in touch with Richard," she said long after he'd walked away.

"We see each other," Thatcher said, "at AA meetings…I still go…after the surgery."

"You haven't been drinking," she stated.

"Last drink was before I came in here," he said.

"That's good," Meredith said, "for Lexie's sake," and the silence followed.

"Meredith," Thatcher said, uncertainty clearly reflected in his voice, "you said…the door would be open…and I shut it. I regret that. I never should have voiced my opinion about Richard. I was a guest in your home…and I shut the door."

"You were right," Meredith said, "he was drinking. I should have known," she said, "you'd recognize the signs."

Thatcher nodded, a sad melancholy look, "I deserved that."

"I wasn't accusing."

"You stated the facts," he said, another long silence. "I didn't deserve your sacrifice."

"What I did," Meredith told him, "was for my sister…and I'd do it again."

"You owed me nothing, and you have no reason to trust me," he told her, "not one good reason at all. But, I'm grateful, I'll always be grateful for the second chance. I have two daughters that were part of my life," he saw the immediate reaction, the avoidance. "I'd like to try …to open that door…the one I shut, again, and get to know my first daughter, in whatever way you feel can work…for you."

"I'm not sure," Meredith breathed deeply, "if we can."

"I'm sure…I want to try…I'll never be able to make it up to you…the childhood you lost…the years that we lost by my cowardliness...my neglect…but, I want to try."

"I said the door was open…I didn't shut it."

"At Christmas…you included me…and I failed you again."

"You were right."

"I wish I had been wrong," he told her.

"Me too," she said, and her fingers continued their nervous fidgeting, her thoughts drifting back to the arguments and friction the situation with Richard had caused between her and Derek; the night they'd spent in anger; the Godforsaken moment he'd become chief and ultimately the shooting.

"Susan loved you," he said, hoping to find the right words that could truly open the door, "nothing could have kept her way…she'd be here now."

Meredith's eyes filled with tears, and turned to face him and met her father's gaze, and somehow, in a moment filled with overwhelming sadness a small window of hope was reopened, "maybe, she's here it with us now."

Thatcher Grey choked back his emotion, "she knew you cared for her…deeply…"

"I did," Meredith replied. "I was very fond of her."

"I know." Thatcher tentatively lifted his hand, perhaps to make contact with hers, but didn't. "I'm sorry…for everything I've said and done…to hurt you," and this time, this apology, Meredith allowed herself to believe was genuine, and surprisingly, his daughter placed a hand over his.

"I never closed the door," Meredith said, a gentle squeeze of the hand, before each looked away and their hands were back on their laps.

"I'll be knocking…" Thatcher said.

"We'll answer," she said, as she spoke of Derek and her, "maybe not all the time."

"Derek," Thatcher said, "when he goes home…he'll need help…can't drive…things like that. I'm really good at grocery shopping, Susan made sure," he mentioned his wife again, hoping it would be something that could help heal the rift began years before, and that in a matter of months his wife had began to mend.

"Derek will appreciate the help," Meredith said. "He hates what I buy…not healthy enough."

"We'll make sure to get your list as well," Thatcher responded.

"I'll tell him," Meredith said, "that you've been here for hours."

"You need to get some rest too," Thatcher said noticing the exhaustion on her face.

"I will," Meredith said, "after I see him…I'm going to go now, talk with his family."

"I'll stick around," he told her, "if you need anything tonight."

"Why," she hesitated, "I don't mean why are you staying, but why don't I introduce you."

"It's ok…" he smiled at her.

"They're really big on family…and I don't …I haven't…"

"I understand."

"Come with me," she said, and got up, and he followed, and she did the corresponding introductions and Thatcher Grey sat in silence with the rest of the family.

"Meredith," Mark told her, "as soon as Derek's settled, I'm going to get Lexie."

"I forget…she still doesn't know or Alex?"

"No, they don't," he told her, "and she'll want to know about Derek."

"I can get her," Thatcher offered, "if you want to stay here."

"I need to check on the patient," Mark said, "I have to go there anyway."

"Meredith," Kathleen spoke, "I wish we'd met under different circumstances. But, it's good that Derek's responding so well, since the surgery."

"I wish it had been different too," she said. "It's good you're here…all of you."

"Maggie and Amy will be here tomorrow," Nancy said absently. "Thank you for calling us right away."

"I didn't want your Mom to hear about it on the news…but I wanted to wait…at least…till he was out of surgery…to have a better idea…how we was doing," she said, and both Kathleen and Nancy exchanged glances at the overwhelming sadness in this woman's eyes, "and he's fine…he's going to be fine."

It had been well over twenty minutes since she'd left his room, and she was starting to worry, when Carolyn Shepherd took her hand in hers. "It takes time, Meredith, they're doing their job."

"Yes," Meredith said with a half smile. "I can't help but worry."

"I do understand," Carolyn said, and kept her hand in hers.

Thatcher quietly left the sitting area, and returned shortly holding a tray with six cups and assorted baked goods. "I hope you still like this." he handed Meredith a cup.

"I do," she responded, after she tasted the chocolate.

"I remembered," he said quietly.

"Thank you," she said, and sat for several more minutes, before she knew she needed to go to the ladies room. "I'll be right back," she said to everyone in general.

His sisters were sitting side by side, quietly, though Nancy held a small rosary in her hands, and when she saw Meredith approach she noted the pale color of her skin and that she'd been crying.

"Meredith," Nancy said, "it's been a long day for you, maybe you should get some rest."

"I'm fine," Meredith told her, "and I'm going to spend the night with Derek…I'm not leaving him."

"We're here," Kathleen said, "we can help…take turns."

"You can be there," Meredith said, "if you'd like. But, I'm not leaving him."

"Let's wait and see," Carolyn spoke, "how he's doing…maybe we can all get some rest."

"Carolyn," Meredith said, needing to make some conversation with his family, "I've been thinking, how we were communicating with Derek," she went on to explain to his sisters, unaware Carolyn had already done so, "but…it would have been much easier if we'd just written yes and no on a piece of paper, he could have just pointed, not exerted himself…"

"I think" Kathleen said, "from what Mom told us, the two of you did just fine, and I'm sure he much preferred to contact," she smiled, "being able to hold your hand…and Mom's…to communicate."

Meredith smiled, "you may be right. Hopefully we won't ever need to think about it again."

"I tend to agree with Kathleen," Nancy said, "Derek would much prefer your method."

"Mer," Cristina rushed out into the waiting area, "he's doing great…he's asking for you."

"Oh God," Meredith was careful not to get up quickly, ever since her last visit to the ladies room, she'd been lightheaded, "he's ok…there was no need to …"

Nancy and Kathleen exchanged glances again. "He is just fine," Cristina was at her side, "he's breathing on his own…no complications."

"Ok…" Meredith said, getting up slowly, "I have to go to him," she followed Cristina, then looked back. "Carolyn…he'll want to see you, and his sisters."

"Go right ahead dear," Carolyn said, "we'll be right behind you."

"Kathleen," Nancy said as they walked behind their mother, "do you think something's wrong? Have you noticed how sad she is, when she got back, she'd been crying, you could see the puffy eyes, she'd been crying…a lot."

"Nancy," Kathleen said, "he almost died."

"No," Nancy told her, "it's more than that…"

"I'm the shrink," Kathleen told her sister, "and you're the one psychoanalyzing."

"Then," Nancy said, linking her arm through her sister's, "do your job…something's not quite right, maybe there's more that we don't know about his condition."


	9. Chapter 9

**Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 9 **

"Oh…God…" Carolyn heard Meredith's soft gasp as she stopped and placed her hand over her heart, watching her husband who lay with his eyes closed, overwhelmed by the realization of what could have been, what their life together, or her life alone could have become. Carolyn stepped closer to her and wrapped her arm around her daughter in law's waist.

"Meredith," Carolyn spoke softly, "sweetheart…Derek's doing just fine…you heard your friend Cristina, he's off the ventilator…and he was asking for you."

Cristina who had gone back in his intensive care unit, and in a moment for Ripley's Believe It or Not, was hovering over Derek, adjusting his blankets when she turned and saw her friend standing frozen to the spot as his mother spoke to her, and she could tell something was wrong. Even from a distance she could tell her friend was taking deep breaths as she recognized the look of anguish on her face, the same look she'd failed to see earlier, as Meredith had paused in the resident's lounge and faced the heartbreaking loss of what would have been a dream come true for her husband; abruptly ended by a crazed man's bullet and subsequent physical and emotional consequences.

"Mer," Cristina was at her side almost instantly, "he's fighting going to sleep because he wants to see you…talk to you. But, he's very tired, so we let him drift off, and are holding off a sedative for now. We thought we'd wait for you to get here before we got his attention again."

"Ok," Meredith responded.

Cristina continued talking, trying to offer some reassurances. "Teddy just left, that should tell you something…she's sure he's going to be fine. I even encouraged Owen to go with her, and have her get something to eat. She still needs to split her time between the hospitals," she said, withholding the information about Alex, for now.

"Cristina," Carolyn spoke, something was obviously wrong; determined to give the two women a chance to talk in private. She wasn't going anywhere, neither were his sisters, so she could also give her son and his wife the time alone they needed. "We're going to be right out here, why don't you go in, let Meredith spend time with Derek, and we'll wait for the next time he wakes."

"Mrs. Shepherd," Cristina said, "if he's up a little longer…I'll come and get you."

"Thank you dear," Carolyn said, and hugged Meredith. "Go on sweetheart. You spend this time with my son. Tell him we're here, that we'll be here with you, and that we love him."

"He knew," Meredith murmured quietly, "that you'd be here."

Carolyn gave her one last gentle hug, "go to your husband, it's you he'll want with him right now," she had no doubts at all that is what her son would want, just as her husband would have wanted but was figuratively and literally robbed of that time, and turned to join her daughters.

"Mer," Cristina said, "she's right."

"I don't know," Meredith said, and Cristina again saw the look of absolute anguish on her face, "If I can…Cristina…he'll know," she bit her lower lip, "he knows me…I can't face him…if I have to tell him."

"Listen to me," Cristina said quietly. "You can do this…"

"I can't," Meredith looked over at her husband, "he'll be so disappointed."

"He's alive," Cristina told her, "he fought to live…so you two…"

"Cristina," her eyes filled with tears, "I should have told him…he'd have been happy…he was so unhappy when I went in to tell him…but, maybe, if I'd told him…he'd have been so happy…so happy…"

"Nothing would have changed," Cristina was adamant, "that lunatic was already here."

"He…Derek," she shook her head, her eyes closed, hours of thinking convincing her of what she was saying. "He'd have wanted to celebrate, I know him…he would probably have suggested we go some place, just for a little while, to that restaurant…for breakfast, like our first date," her eyes remained closed, " to feed me and the," a stray tear slipping down her face, "we'd have been away from here, he wouldn't have been shot…I wouldn't have…I…there… could have been another chance…I'd still be…" she couldn't bring herself to say the words baby or miscarriage aloud in his room.

"You listen to me," Cristina scolded, though gently, "nothing would have changed…"

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you," she forced Meredith to look at her.

"Cristina," she met her gaze, "he would have been so happy…"

"He'll be happy that he's alive…that you're alive…"

"Everything…no matter what…leads me back to dark and twisty…maybe," she took a deep breath, "you were all right, I am the president of people with crappy lives…except I'm the one that brings crap to people's lives."

"Meredith," Cristina said, "don't do this … it's been a crap day…the worst of days…but, Derek's alive…Mer…you both are…and I'm not being insensitive," she reached over and wiped the tears from her friend's face. "I swear…I'm not…but…you're alive…Mer…there's time…you have more time," she said softly and uncharacteristically sentimental, "and once you get through this…I know that one day…I'm going to be a godmother."

"Cristina," Meredith's broken sob made her friend reach out and hug her ever so briefly, as the three older women of his family looked on, and she got hold of her emotions.

"He... knows something's wrong…and my face… he tells me always gives me away…and I can't tell him Cristina…not now…not yet."

"You're going to go in there, and you will do what you've done so well for so long.  
Avoidance Mer…it's ok this time, until you feel you can tell him…you can do this Meredith…you are stronger than anyone I know…you can go in there and do this."

"I have to…" Meredith said as some semblance of calm returned. "I know I do," she faced her friend, "and I'll be fine."

"Mer," Cristina said, "whatever you do…don't tell him you're fine…"

Meredith smiled slightly, her friend knew them well. "I love you Cristina. I couldn't ask for a better friend…a better sister."

"Neither could I," Cristina nudged Meredith forward, and they both walked over to wash their hands before linking her arm through Meredith's, offering her unconditional support and leading her to his bedside.

"Mom," Kathleen put her arms around their mother, "aren't you going in?"

"No," Carolyn told her, as she accepted her daughter's comfort. "They need this time…alone."

"Mom," Nancy said, "then let's go sit down."

"I was sitting for hours on the way here, and in that waiting room."

"So have we," Nancy said, "and I'm tired," she was, but it was much more a ploy to get their mother off her feet, "and I'm a lot younger than you."

"You're not that much younger," Carolyn told her, "I had you very young."

"Mom," Kathleen said, as she saw the heartbreak in her mother's eyes. "You don't have to be strong for us…this can't be easy for you."

"It's not," her mother admitted as her eyes welled with tears, "I'm barely hanging on...I've no strength left in me…all you see is a façade …for him and Meredith."

Comforted by both daughters as she stood between them, Carolyn Shepherd shared her fears. "I keep seeing you father…over and over again… we didn't have enough time…not nearly enough," she nodded incredulously, "they need this time…alone…"

"Mom," Nancy said, "there's nothing weak about you…you are…have always been our strength…"

"I never thought," Carolyn leaned into her younger daughter, "I'd have to deal with this again…when Dad…when he was gone…and now…"

"Ma," Kathleen said, slipping into the less often used name, "Derek's going to be ok…you heard what Mark said, his prognosis is excellent, he's already breathing on his own and it's been less than eight hours…he's not going to die."

"He can't," Carolyn whispered, "he won't…"

"He's going to be just fine," Nancy said trying to reassure herself.

"All those rosaries," Carolyn smiled at her.

"Never failed me," her daughter told her, and kissed her mother's cheek as the three women stood together, each feeling overwhelming fears of their own, but together they reflected an image of strength and immense family love and support.

The three women watched their brother's wife reach his bedside and in the moments that followed, none unaffected by the undeniable and evident deep feelings between the couple.

"Derek," Meredith whispered as she reached his side, and held his hand gently, "you're doing so well…and I know you may be sleeping…you need to sleep, so don't feel you need to wake up now…you can sleep," the gentle squeeze was felt immediately.

His eyes fluttered open, his gaze searching for hers, his thumb caressing the back of her hand, willing her to know all he felt, even if he knew he could now speak.

Cristina walked out of the room the moment she saw him open his eyes.

"I love you too," she followed his lead with a similar caress, though she voiced her thoughts. "So much," she said, and before he could say a word, she leaned in and placed her lips on his, briefly lingering before she pulled away and heard his voice.

"Best…" his voice was hoarse, the effects of the intubation evident, even if it had not been for long, "kiss," he paused, speaking a bit painful, "ever…"

"Oh…Derek," she choked on her words, her emotions and vulnerability heightened by so many circumstances. "I love you…I love you so much…"

"Love …" his eyes filled with tears, "of my life…"

"Don't talk," she told him, "you don't have to talk," she caressed his forehead, leaned in again and kissed his lips again, having vowed over and over as she stood over him, her hands never breaking contact with his face as Cristina performed surgery, he'd never need to ask her for a kiss again.

"Have…tell you," he's discomfort was noticeable, "lived…for you…"

"Me too," she said absently, a seldom voiced reference to her drowning.

"Because," he emphasized, pausing for air, "of you…"

"I love you," she told him, and now that there were no tubes taped to his mouth, gently cradled his face in her hands, "I knew…you'd keep your promise…"

"Always," he barely whispered, but his eyes filled with tears, the thought of leaving her, leaving her alone was too much to bear, too much for her to deal with when she'd already been dealt so much in her life, and she kissed away the tear that slipped away and stopped the flow of others, "spend lifetime…with you…"

"Yes," she smiled softly, trying to block the continuing physical discomfort her body made impossible to avoid, "the rest of our lives…together…"

Derek looked deep into her eyes, their souls exposed, hers hiding a sadness that now became familiar to him, he'd seen it earlier, and his thumb continued to repeat the litany of his emotions, tenderly and purposely caressing the back of her hand.

"Sad…" he whispered, and she knew it to be a question.

"I'm…" and without thinking answered him, "fine…"

"_No_," he only squeezed her hand and shook his head, daring her to contradict him. Words difficult with his throat irritated still.

"You almost died today," she choked on her words. "I can't lose you…and I was a little sad and worried… but now that I see you and you're doing so well…Cristina and Teddy and Owen are so pleased with how you're responding."

"Mer…" he said with great effort.

"No talking," she caressed his face, "you need to rest…"

"You too…"

"You know," she smiled at him, and talked to keep him from doing so. "I was telling your Mom and your sisters, we came up with this method of communication," she squeezed his hand once, then twice, "and this," she said as she caressed the back of his hand, "was my favorite, but I kept that between us…"

He smiled weakly, and told her that he loved her with their private and silent communication.

"I told them, we should have just written things out and have you point…much less effort, but Kathleen and Nancy both said they were sure you'd preferred our method… the contact between us." He squeezed her hand twice, and then again, _I love you_.

"Derek," she said softly, "your sisters have been here, and were so worried about you…are you up to it? Do you want to see them and your Mom…just for a few minutes, so they can go and get some rest?"

He was week as a newborn, and it took every effort to speak, so he squeezed her hand.

"I'm going to get them…ok? Just for one second…I'll be right back," she said, and before she walked away, held his face in his hands and kissed him softly.

Cristina had joined his family and the inevitable doctors in them had bombarded her with detailed questions about his condition, most of which she felt could be answered without violating any patient rights, figuring that if they were calm and kept informed it could only help Meredith to deal with the matriarchal clan's sudden descent upon Seattle.

The minute Meredith began to walk away from his bedside Derek closed his eyes and momentarily gave in to the absolute physical exhaustion that had taken over his body.

"Mer," Cristina looked up, "you ok?" She asked as she approached her friend who was now at the doorway.

"Yes. Came to get his Mom and sisters."

"I'll do it," Cristina turned back to them, and Meredith saw the look of relief on their faces as they each walked in to the intensive care unit.

"Thank you," Nancy said, surprising Meredith as she kissed her cheek, and went straight to wash her hands before gong near him, followed by Kathleen and Carolyn; none were taking any chances, as they knew the importance of avoiding any type of infections during this critical period of recovery.

"Meredith dear," Carolyn spoke, "how is he?"

"He's tired," she told her, "but he wanted to see you," and allowed his mother to walk ahead of her and bridge the small distance to his bedside; his sisters on the other side of the hospital bed.

"Derek," Meredith held his hand and spoke softly. "Your Mom and sisters are here now."

"Uhmm," a soft sound of acknowledgement, but his eyes remained closed.

"You sleep dear," Carolyn said, and lay her hand on his arm. "Forget that we're here. Meredith's been very sweet to have us come in now, when you really should be resting."

Nancy saw her sister's reaction, always the level headed psychiatrist; now about to breakdown when she saw their brother hooked up to monitors and far too many tubes attached to his body for comfort, and put his arm around her older sister. "Don't you dare Kathleen," she whispered, "think of Mom."

Derek heard his sister's voice, in spite of his mother's talking to him, too many years around them made him an expert in following more than one conversation, even one not meant to be heard, and his eyes opened slowly, connecting with Meredith's as his thumb gently caressed her, and she smiled softly, "me too…"

"Ma…" he looked at his mother, the one word spoke of all he felt for the woman that had kept their family together after his father had been shot dead, "I'm ok."

"I know you are," Carolyn Shepherd hid her fears well as she smiled at her son, "you're young and healthy and from all I've heard, had the best of care…and are going to be just fine, especially if Meredith continues to look after you…and even her friend Cristina seems to be hovering over you and making sure nothing is overlooked."

Meredith did not release his hand, wouldn't have been able to if she'd wanted to, as he was not about to let her go, and then he turned to his sisters, and she witnessed true bonds of familial love, but she also saw the look of surprise on his face over the comment about Cristina. One more thing to explain; who had actually saved his life.

"Kat," he whispered as their eyes met, "Nancy's right."

"Oh…God…" Kathleen said, unable to comply with her siblings' unspoken request, and tears held at bay; since the moment she'd faced her mother at the airport, her resolve to remain calm for her; dissolved in seconds as she looked at her brother, and she too was transported back to the day she'd seen their father's lifeless body in a hospital room for the last time, giving them all a chance to say goodbye.

Derek reached for her hand, "I'm alive …I'm ok…"

The tears kept flowing, "you better be," she said, as he squeezed her hand as tightly as his very limited strength allowed.

"Will…" he said simply, the emotional exhaustion overpowering the physical, and closed his eyes when she leaned over and kissed his forehead.

"We should let him get some rest," Nancy said quietly, "Meredith…you should too…"

Derek opened his eyes, releasing Kathleen's hand and reaching for Nancy's. "Like Ma…you take care…"

"Derek," Carolyn smiled, her heart feeling lighter by his teasing; he'd always done that, tried to make things better while he guarded himself emotionally, never sharing or revealing too much, almost never discussing his father's death, the circumstances of which, he'd asked her hours ago to share with his wife. "Sweetheart, you are insulting your sister, and you must know, she hasn't quite forgiven you yet, for that very same comparison the time she visited you."

"Maggie can't keep a secret, you know that," Kathleen smiled at him, the sisters for the first time in hours began to believe nothing would go wrong, not this time. "Nancy told her…and well…of course Mom found out."

"I promise," Nancy told him, knowing he needed to hear it. "I'll be just like her…while I'm here," and the brother and sister understood what he was asking of her. "I'll stay here tonight and Mom and Kathleen will get to the hotel and get some rest."

"Absolutely not," Carolyn said. "I'm staying here till he's out of this unit."

Derek looked at his sister, squeezed her hand, "all…Mer…go home."

"I'm not leaving you," Meredith told him, just as defiantly as his mother.

"Rest," he squeezed the hand he'd never let go of, "please…"

"I will," Meredith said to him, "I'll rest while you sleep."

"That's settled," Carolyn said, "you girls can go home. I will keep Meredith company."

"Like Ma…" Derek said to his sister.

"Just like her," Nancy said, "obviously…we're all spending the night," and with that said, he closed his eyes, and after a few minutes opened them again and met Meredith's gaze first, as his caress continued to tell her how he felt, and then looked at each of his sisters and settled on his mother.

"We love you Derek," Kathleen said, "get some sleep…"

"Love you…" he paused, breathing a bit labored, before he finished, "all," and finally succumbed to the inevitable and expected fatigue.

Cristina witnessed the entire exchange, marveling at her person's acceptance of the familial emotional overload, and left the room quietly to secure three additional chairs, which would be totally unacceptable under any other circumstances as the room was already cramped with the one recliner, and she placed one chair close to it; positioning the other two just outside the cubicle, but close enough not to have any complaints that would surely be voiced by the Shepherds.

"Mer," Cristina said when she got back and found her friend had remained standing by Derek's bed. "You need to get off your feet."

"I'm fine," she answered instinctively.

"Don't make me force you out of here…"

"Cristina…"

"Sit your ass down on that chair," Cristina whispered, "he's sleeping, and will be for hours, you know he needs that rest, he's IV has a mild sedative I'm about to increase."

"I'm…ok…"

"Meredith," Cristina said in warning. "You're not ok."

"I'll sit down," she agreed, and Cristina went around the bed to administer the dosage of medication required for the hours remaining of this night.

Throughout the rest of the night, Meredith insisted Carolyn take the recliner but she'd flatly refused, insisting Meredith needed to rest after the traumatic events of the day; unaware, yet somehow instinctively understanding much more than met the eye had taken place, and when she looked at her daughter in law, she sensed an emotional and physical fragility that equaled her son's.

Meredith was forced from his bedside several times, the inevitable physical discomfort of a miscarriage making it impossible to forget or avoid it; the memory of the moment she realized she was about to lose the baby forever etched in her heart.

"Nancy," the sisters sat side by side, Kathleen laid her head on her sister's shoulder, "you're right. Something's wrong with her, and it's not necessarily related to Derek…I'm not saying that's not part of it, but there's something more going on…have you noticed, each time she's left the room, when she comes back, you can tell she's been crying, and there's this deep sadness in her eyes."

"I'm not sure we can ask…." Nancy said. "She's been very gracious. Especially after our initial meeting," they continued to speak quietly, "I'd probably have kept me away."

"Mom liked her," Kathleen continued to speak quietly, "was convinced she was the right one for Derek the moment he met her."

"She did," Nancy agreed. "I don't think it's about them…you can tell they love each other. Kat, I never saw him look at Addie the way he looks at her, his concern for her."

"I never saw Addie look at him, or look after him the same way."

"Well," Nancy said, "to be fair, he was never shot and …his life on the line."

"Nancy," Kathleen faced her sister. "I don't feel the need to be fair to Addison anymore. She cheated on him with Mark, he walked in on them, in their bedroom, on their bed."

"I'm not disagreeing with you. Believe me; after I found out, my relationship with Addie was never the same. We barely stay in touch now, and you already know that. I'm just pointing out the circumstances are different."

"Differences be damned," Kathleen told her. "Mom was right, clearly, Meredith is the woman for him. Any doubts I may have had initially, there aren't any now."

"The seal of approval," Nancy smiled at her, her turn to seek comfort as she lay her head on her sister's shoulder. "The two Shepherd pillars…you and Ma…"

"Mom never liked Addie," Nancy said. "Remember that Thanksgiving…"

"Unforgettable," Kathleen chuckled softly. "Mom was right."

"Kat," Nancy said, "should we ask her?"

"She's dealing with a lot of emotions, Derek being shot, the circumstances, most people will require some type of counseling…let's wait and see…maybe we're imagining things…and are being nosy."

"We are nosy," Nancy responded. "But, really…Kat…it's not about that…she's really sad, and it's just as sad to watch her."

"Let's give her time and we can still keep an eye on her…Derek would want that."

"Yes," Nancy agreed. "He's made that clear in the few things he said to us."

Unbeknownst to them, the conversation between Kathleen and Nancy, and Meredith's actions in the hours and days that followed would become the foundation of a lifetime of mutual respect and support amongst the three women, a foundation of familial ties and bonds that would lead them to think of each other as sisters.

Meredith continued to hover over Derek, his hand in hers anytime she got up and went to check on his vitals, to make sure he was breathing properly, and then she'd return to the chair, forced by the physical side effects of their loss; while the emotional repercussions allowed his family to witness the ebb and flow of tears she did nothing, or perhaps more appropriately, even if she'd tried, she could do nothing to hide.

_A/N – 18JUL10 - There's nothing like negative comments to make you reassesses, or reaffirm the course a writer takes on a story. Many of you will not like the way I've chosen to depict the characters in my stories, and I apologize in advance for any that read and are disappointed. _

_ *** I should clarify the comment was about Heartbreaking Reverberation's Ch 27 and Meredith being whiny in that story, and that story and Epilogue were completely finished. But, as I'd just completed Ch 8 of this one, it did indeed make me rethink the rest of this story, as my characterization of Meredith is rather similar in most of my stories.***_

_This post six fan fiction was my personal therapeutic view of the finale, and how some of the characters deal with the events that took place. Hence, if it's as "earth shattering" as Rhimes claims, and as Ellen Pompeo said prior to its airing, anything can and will happen, then my therapeutic version may well have the same comment applied to it, well, some people will act differently than they have in the past._

_Constructive criticism is always appreciated, however, if readers find the characters I write whiny and unlikeable, then I'd encourage you to please discontinue reading and not subject yourselves to such a waste of time. _

_Meredith Grey, many say is a whiny character, in my eyes, if she is…and I don't find her to be so, she's more than entitled; after we learned that she sat in a pool of her mother's blood waiting for her to pass out before calling for help…I say, she's entitled to whine for as long as she wants!_

_Apologies for the comment, I admit the negativism throws one off a bit…I hope any of you that continue reading will enjoy the path I've chosen for the rest of this story, which won't be long. I had intended 15 to 20 chapters, certainly not more, but depending on the interest, may actually cut it back and provide a narrative to wrap it up. Warm regards, Jasmin_


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N 8/9/10 - Thanks to each of you that continues to be interested in this story and so graciously takes the time to comment. I started writing the chapter earlier this week, but, honestly, all I'm hearing about S7 is not making me very enthused, so did not pick it up again till today. Sorry to put a damper on expectations for S7, but, if all is true and there is a time jump, however slight, we've had post it, no wedding, Cristina knowing about the baby on screen, but probably not Derek, and then a miscarriage, hence, I don't expect much from the season to come and it's making it really hard to write. Hope you're not disappointing in the direction this chapter took, the conversations that take place just happened …and it felt right, for the way I would like to see the relationships develop, but certain they never will on Grey's. Warm regards, Jasmin._

_The Time Has Come Today – Episode 3.1 -Meredith Voice Over: _

"_15 minutes. 15 hours. Inside the O.R. the best surgeons make time fly. _

_Outside the O.R. however, time takes pleasure in kicking our asses. For even the strongest of us, it seems to play tricks. Slowing down, hovering …until it freezes …leaving us stuck in a moment unable to move in one direction or the other. _

_Time waits for no heals all wounds. __All any of us wants is more time. __Time to stand up. Time to grow to let go. Time."_

**Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 10 **

_Unbeknownst to them, the conversation between Kathleen and Nancy, and Meredith's actions in the hours and days that followed would become the foundation of a lifetime of mutual respect and support amongst the three women, a foundation of familial ties and bonds that would lead them to think of each other as sisters._

_Meredith continued to hover over Derek, his hand in hers anytime she got up and went to check on his vitals, to make sure he was breathing properly, and then she'd return to the chair, forced by the physical side effects of their loss; while the emotional repercussions allowed his family to witness the ebb and flow of tears she did nothing, or perhaps more appropriately, even if she'd tried, she could do nothing to hide._

"Nancy," Carolyn Shepherd left the chair by his bedside and spoke to her daughters, barely a few feet away, while Meredith was away from the room. "Kathleen…Derek asked me to speak with Meredith before Amy gets here…"

"Mom," Kathleen interrupted, "we don't even know how she's going to deal with it."

"He made it clear," Carolyn said, "that he wanted Meredith to be aware of the situation."

"Mom," Kathleen commented, "don't you find it odd, that he hasn't told Meredith already? I mean, ever since Nancy came out here, he's been better about communicating with us, and you'd think he'd mention it, since he and Amy have yet to…"

Meredith walked up to them, and all three women noticed the dark circles under her eyes; the puffiness revealing undisputed traces of crying, but most of all, the sadness reflected in the depth of the almost crystal clear eyes. "I've…there's an on-call room…with two beds, I've changed the sheets…Carolyn, I think you should get some rest…and there's probably another one…not many people around here right now…so all three of you can get some sleep."

"Girls," Carolyn addressed her daughters, "Derek's going to be sleeping for several hours. You should get some sleep. "

"Mom," Kathleen told her. "You're the one that needs to get some rest, and Meredith was thoughtful enough to take the time to find a room and get it ready."

The cramping she'd been experiencing, forcing her to leave his bedside every hour, now made Meredith flinch involuntarily as her features paled.

"Meredith, sweetheart," Carolyn Shepherd noticed her pallor right away, "are you all right?"

"Meredith," Nancy said, "you've become very pale," while Kathleen forced her to sit.

"Meredith," Kathleen insisted, "are you in pain? You looked as if you were…were you hurt too? Were you injured during this ordeal as well?"

Nancy had instinctively taken over, and had reached for her wrist, taking her pulse, "you're pulse is racing, Meredith, do you feel faint? Nauseous?"

Meredith remained quiet, her thoughts screaming silently, racing at even a faster rate than her pulse, was she injured too, yes she wanted to shout out in anger. I've lost a part of us…a tiny baby he knew nothing about…a precious life he'd have wanted to celebrate, but instead her body was methodically ridding itself of what would have been a dream come true…for him…and in the hours she'd know about their baby's existence…she'd dared to dreamed of a baby that would surely have his hair, and as her hand rested on her abdomen she closed her eyes, understanding that soon there would be no traces left of the life they'd created, and then a voice unfamiliar to herself answered, and left three women more worried than ever before, "I'm fine…"

Carolyn observed her carefully, without missing any of her gestures, trying to make sense of what else was upsetting her; what else was responsible for the sadness in her eyes.

"You, are no more fine than any of us…or Derek is," Kathleen told her, "if you are not physically hurt, than we have all been through hell emotionally at the very best."

"Meredith," Nancy insisted, "you looked like you're in pain…and you've been crying, every time you leave the room and return, there's no hiding it."

"I almost lost him to…" she stopped herself; almost said too. "Derek…I almost lost him to a crazed man's bullet…I can't get that image out of my mind…his blood…" her voice cracked, "I'm sorry…I should get back to him."

"Derek is sleeping," Carolyn Shepherd said. "He is not likely to wake up for another few hours, and my daughters have been hounding me, and they are actually right. I'm getting old, and I should lie down. I may have even forgotten my medication today," she said and met their gazes, daring her daughters to contradict her.

"Mom," Nancy said, "you know you can't do that…blood pressure medication is not something you can forget to take…and all we need is for you to have another incident…"

"Nancy is right," Kathleen agreed, "it won't do Derek a lot of good for him to have to be told you've landed yourself in the hospital…"

"That's not going to happen," Carolyn Shepherd told them. "Meredith…will you show me, where that room is?"

"I…it's…maybe the two of you should go…I've been gone too long…I need to be with Derek…"

"Meredith," Nancy said, "right now, I doubt we would get very far with all the vigilance around here, it will be better if you take Mom."

"I can't leave him…" Meredith wouldn't budge.

"Meredith," Carolyn said, "he is not going to wake up for several hours. Your friend Cristina said they were only waiting for him to speak with you, before they increased his sedative. His sisters can stay with him for a few minutes," she had no intention of telling her she was going to make sure she rested, preferably she would sleep. "Indulge an old woman…he wanted me to talk to you, before his sisters get here tomorrow. It will give me a chance to do so, since I can't do it in his room, it would only upset him if he were to wake. He doesn't need to deal with that right now."

Meredith would do anything to spare him any further distress, and given what she'd learned the last few minutes; his mother already had some sort of incident related to her blood pressure condition, she needed to take medication and she certainly needed to rest.

"I…first…let me check on him," Meredith said, and walked in his room, and his family watched as she looked at the digital evidence of his vital signs, and then she leaned in carefully to place a kiss on his forehead. "I love you Derek…"

"Nancy," Kathleen said, "you're right, something's wrong and she's trying so hard not to let her guard down."

"I'm going to get her to rest," Carolyn said, "she's gone through hell today, and this…" she remembered how she'd felt the day she lost her husband, "it's not easy to deal with."

"Mom," Nancy said, "she's not going to be very happy with you…"

"I know dear," Carolyn said, "but even Derek agreed. You should be more like me."

"Carolyn," Meredith interrupted them, "he's resting peacefully. I'll show you the way."

"Meredith," Carolyn said as her daughter in law opened the door to an examining room, "you said you found an on-call room…"

"First," Meredith told her, "we should take your blood pressure."

"I'm fine dear," Carolyn paused, "the girls make too much of things…and I looked in my bag, I did take them earlier."

"I'd feel better," Meredith said, "if we made sure…"

"I'm tired, Meredith, that's all," she said, "a little rest will take care of that," and she linked her arm through her daughter in law's, and allowed herself to be led.

"Do you need anything? There's water here," she indicated the pitcher on the flat surface, "and extra blankets," and before she realized it, Carolyn Shepherd had her sitting on the narrow bed.

"I need for you to lie down and get some sleep," Carolyn said as she sat next to her, "you look exhausted and you will not be any good to Derek if you don't take care of yourself."

"I'm ok…really I am…" Meredith told her, her tone unconvincing, the slight involuntary flinching once again betraying her.

"You're a strong woman," Carolyn met her gaze, "as I am…but, the day I found out my husband was shot…I fell apart…very much like I've wanted to do all day today," her voice quivered. "I told my girls…it was all a façade…for you and Derek…but really, it is for them too, they lost their father…and saw me fall apart, I can't do that to them again."

Meredith sat quietly, her hands on her lap, uncharacteristically still, and then she felt the warmth of the smaller fuller hand on hers as their gazes remained locked and their tears began to fall.

"He…" Meredith said, taking a deep breath, "he…I saw him…" that moment could never be erased from her mind, and the images refused to be shut out, as her breathing became labored and she took some broken breaths, as somewhat dormant memories rushed in.

Her kitchen floor stained by her mother's blood blended with Derek's blood on the hospital floor. Twice…she'd been forced to watch those she loved in a pool of blood; the first time she was five years old; fears evoked could hardly comprehend what the loss could mean while she'd sat patiently in the growing pool of her mother's blood waiting till she passed out. This time, she'd rushed to him, uncaring of any danger to herself, knowing she had to help stop the flow seeping rapidly from his body, calling and yelling for help; begging him to stay awake, not to leave her, because this time, the loss would be much more profound; this time, the loss meant she'd lose the only person she had ever loved, unconditionally, and she knew that she was the love of his life, as he was hers. This time, losing Derek meant her heart and soul would not survive and the dreams of an extraordinary life would be forever lost without him.

"Sweetheart," Carolyn soothed, though she'd allowed her the time to deal with her fears, as she'd seen the rising panic in her eyes and held Meredith's hands in the warmth of hers, "he's ok…he survived."

"All…" Meredith mumbled, "all the blood," and Carolyn understood the depth of her pain, what it meant to know you were on the verge of losing the man you loved, and did what she'd always done best.

"Oh…Meredith," Carolyn's tears flowed as she wrapped her arms around the young woman next to her. "He's strong and he loves you and he promised you he wouldn't leave you."

"He shot him…" Meredith's breathing was difficult, "without any regard for his life…he shot him…and I…there was nothing I could do…"

"There was," Carolyn soothed again, still holding her, though her voice cracked as she spoke "and you did…you were there with him," she had to pause a couple of times, "every single moment…he knew you were there…and he promised you he wouldn't die…and he's alive."

"I'm sorry," Meredith said, "I'm sorry…I shouldn't do this…you need to rest…Kathleen and Nancy said you'd had an incident because of your blood pressure and you don't need any more stress…please, get some rest…"

"Did they say that?"

"They did," Meredith answered, "both of them. They wanted you to rest and Carolyn, high blood pressure is not something to take lightly and you need to be more careful at your age…"

"You've just called me old," Carolyn said, though Meredith did not recognize the light teasing. "I don't believe I've ever had a daughter in law say that…only my children are disrespectful."

"I didn't mean it like that…I didn't…it's just…"

"Meredith," Carolyn said in a gentle tone. "I don't have any problems with high blood pressure, but I'm certainly no spring chicken."

"You don't…it's controlled then, with your medication…"

"Sweetheart I don't take any medications."

"But…they said," Meredith was incredulous, as comprehension dawned, "you said…you lied."

"I lied."

"Why..." Meredith said, and immediately tried to get up, but was held back.

"Meredith," Carolyn said, "I'm concerned about you. Since we've been here, during the last several hours, it's obvious you don't feel well. Is there something wrong?"

"No," she said, "nothing's wrong," she averted her gaze.

"I don't believe you."

"You're not in a very good position to tell me that," Meredith challenged his mother.

"No." Carolyn agreed, and smiled at her. "But, you're not in any position to turn away from what I do best."

"I'm not understanding…" she had voiced similar thoughts at Derek's initial attempts for her to build on her relationship with Lexie.

"Being a mother, sweetheart," she said, and tenderly placed a kiss on her forehead, "and you need a dose of that right now, and I'm going to make sure you get it…and take care of you," her palm rested on Meredith's cheek. "Something is wrong, and when you decide if you can trust me…with whatever it is, I'll be here, just like I've been there for my children. Because, now…there's nothing I can do for my son, but I can take care of his wife…because I see that you are as vulnerable and fragile as he his," and before she knew it, Meredith allowed herself to be engulfed in Carolyn Shepherd's motherly embrace, and gave in to the comfort of a mother's arms, a loving mother's embrace, and knew the sincerity of this woman's words and began to believe, that perhaps, she too was worthy of a mother's tender loving care.

"Carolyn," Meredith spoke quietly, "I can't…I'm not ready to talk about it…"

"I know," Carolyn hugged her, "but you need to get some sleep, and I think you agree."

"I do," Meredith finally admitted, and gave in to the gentle ministrations of his mother.

"It's barely a couple hours till morning," Carolyn told her, persuading Meredith to lay back on the bed by continuing to assure her that her son was sleeping and his sisters would not leave his side, and that if he woke, they would come looking for them both.

"Carolyn," Meredith closed her eyes briefly before she spoke. "I'm sorry if I'm responsible for you having to remember…for bringing back memories of the day your husband…"

"Meredith," Carolyn sat on the edge of the bed, facing her, and reached for her hand, "there isn't a day I don't remember. But, time has helped to heal...but, he's in my thoughts and in my heart…" her voice broke, "every single day."

"Do you want to talk about it," Meredith asked, unsure where the words and emotions were coming from.

"I think," Carolyn answered, melancholy reflected in her tone, in her eyes. "I need to…today of all days…I may have no choice."

"You don't have to…I don't want you to be more upset…"

"Meredith," Carolyn took a deep breath, "if we're lucky…very lucky…we're given the chance to find that special person…our soul mate…and I did," and she began to speak, and as time passed, both women found themselves wiping the tears away as Meredith learned of the love between Derek's parent, up until the moment he died, and Carolyn changed subjects, "and then…I came out here …too nosy…" she smiled at Meredith, "to stay away any longer…I was determined to meet you, and booked a cruise out of Seattle."

"Derek," Meredith smiled at her, "says I'm bossy, but it doesn't bother him. I can see why…he had you and at least two sisters that were the same."

"He certainly did," Carolyn chuckled.

"You know," Meredith said more seriously, "what I told you, when we met…it was true."

"What's that?"

"I'm not the girl mother's like…"

"You're the girl…the woman that makes my son happy. You are his soul mate," Carolyn pursed her lips and nodded, "that makes it fairly certain…I'm going to love you."

"Oh…God…" Meredith's eyes filled with tears, and Carolyn gently squeezed her hand.

"I knew…you were the one for him…the right one…the woman he needed to share his life with…and after seeing you together then and now…I was right, so very right."

"Thank you…" Meredith said with deep emotion, "for raising him…to be the man he is…he is my soul mate…the love of my life…"

"I have no doubts," Carolyn smiled, "as he is yours."

"Carolyn," Meredith said after a few quiet moments, "you haven't told me…what Derek wanted me to know…is it about Amy?"

"Yes," she said, observing Meredith's attempt to hide her obvious physical discomfort. "I need a few minutes… alone," Carolyn hoped she was giving Meredith the time she needed as well.

"I'll be right back," Meredith said, and somehow it seemed his mother understood, which was impossible, but she helped her sit up and watched as Meredith walked out the door.

"I don't know what's wrong…" Carolyn spoke in silent prayer. "But you have to make things ok for them, you can't let me down now, that sadness she carries…please…look after them…make things all right for them…you took the time away from me…don't do that to them…once is enough for my lifetime…" Carolyn thought she'd earned the right to speak to God in that fashion, especially as the years had made the ache in her soul heal, and accepted that theirs was but a temporary separation, until they would be together for eternity. That was the only way she had coped with her heartbreaking loss.

Meredith returned with two cups of hot chocolate and tears that refused to be disguised. "I stopped to see Derek…he wasn't woken, Nancy and Kathleen said all his vitals have been good."

"The day," Carolyn said, as they both sat on the bed, "my husband died…when I heard…the moment I heard…I knew my life was about to change…at the hospital…I knew I'd kissed him already for the last time…that I would never feel the warmth of his lips again."

"Carolyn," Meredith said, now her turn to comfort, "you don't have to…if it's too much…we can talk about it another time."

"No," Carolyn said, and continued to talk without pause. "It's time…for me to talk…for you to understand. I never imagined years later, my son would be shot…as his father had been, that he would have to go through that…but, Meredith…I prayed in desperation that my husband would survive, and knew he wasn't going to…but with Derek…even as my heart and every fiber of my being was scared for him…as my soul was crying out in anguish, I knew…just knew he would make it…that's the difference…my son survived."

"I never prayed…" Meredith said, "maybe as a child…but my mother didn't believe in anything…but, as I sat waiting outside the OR while Cristina operated on him…I prayed, and begged and bargained…that God would hear me…even if He doesn't know me…that He would answer my prayers and keep Derek safe."

"He knows you," Carolyn nodded, "your one of His children, a lovely compassionate woman…that loves deeply…He knows you…and he'll answer your prayers."

"He answered," Meredith said and silently thought, even when I didn't realize I had to pray for our baby as well, and her hand rested on her abdomen, and again the simple action did not go unnoticed by Carolyn.

"We have a friend," Carolyn said, "a priest, that insists God knows all we need, and we don't even have to ask…Kathleen tends to agree that a prayer need only be said once…Nancy and Maggie on the other hand, wear out the rosary beads."

"Carolyn," Meredith said, "what do you do? What do you believe?"

"I have faith," Carolyn told her, "that God hears me and answer my prayers…as many or as few as I'm in the mood to make."

"I think that makes sense," Meredith observed, before she asked. "What of Amy?"

"Amy…" Carolyn sighed, her voice weary. "Amelia…as she insists we call her now."

"Carolyn," Meredith said, "I think you should know that I don't know too much about what happened…Derek only told me his father was shot…robbed of the watch you gave him…"

"Yes…robbed of his watch, how I wish I'd never given him that…years of regret…and yes the irony and the real loss was of the time… the time we were supposed to spend together…the two of us…and with his children…time stolen from him and our family."

"I didn't ask questions," Meredith said, "when he told me…I should have asked."

"I'll answer them now," Carolyn said, "if you have any questions…after I tell you about that day," and she began, and then, "Derek," she paused, getting hold of her emotions, "and Amy…they were there…they were there…" and then she broke down, "my babies were there…saw their father shot…"

"Oh my God," Meredith's quiet sob matched Carolyn's, "he was there…Derek…oh God…"

Meredith's reaction was the catalyst that allowed Carolyn to give in to the heartbreaking fears she'd faced from the moment she'd heard Meredith's message, when she'd immediately known something was wrong; while Meredith for the first time in her life, without any emotional resistance extended a daughter's comfort, as both she and Carolyn realized how very close they'd come to sharing the same fate about the men they'd chosen to love, and Meredith's embrace comforted his mother, as her heart wrenching sobs gave rise to the bond and affection that would last throughout their lifetime.

_A/N 8/10/10 - Thanks so much for your comments and enthusiastic support of this story._

_Since I posted this chapter, there are new spoilers that came to light yesterday and today and inspire me a bit, as they address Derek's reaction to the miscarriage; the time frame when he finds out, and his reaction to being Chief. I'm pleased that at least on these 3 things...they are the same as my vision for this story in the chapters that will ollow. The rest, in regard to other characters, not at all what I'd have done...but, at least, what you will read as my vision for Derek will follow what appears to be the storyline on Grey's season premiere. If you want to read more, these spoilers are found in an article in TVGuide, and Patrick makes the comments._


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N 9/30/10 Really wanted to post before tonight's episode...but, there's three major scenes in this update that I don't want to rush just to post...the most important one is Meredith telling Derek about the miscarriage, which of course does not happen 3 months later, but... the other two scenes related to his sisters and their interaction with Meredith I really don't want to rush... I've alluded that her nightmares will be significant, but he needs to get home first... so it may need more than one chapter._

_Thanks for your patience, appreciate the enthusiasm some of you continue to have over this story tremendously. Warm regards, Jasmin_

_p.s. Hoping for a Mer Der scene on Grey's that exceeds all of our expectations when he finds about the miscarriage_

_A/N – 18SEP10 – Thanks to each of you still interested in this story for your patience and thoughtful comments. Apologies I've not been able to respond to each of your past comments, but please know they are so very much appreciated._

_There have been a few unexpected bumps during the last month that delayed writing this chapter. The content of this update, and in particular Amelia's appearance were outlined in my mind long ago based on her PP debut (I watched her clips on You Tube, though it does not necessarily fall into her upcoming crossover to Grey's on episode 3 of the new season). As many of you have read my other stories, you know family is an important aspect of what I write, hence how the Shepherds and their relationship with Meredith are portrayed._

_There have been many spoilers, none of which altered my vision for this story, especially, as the title suggests this one chapter was always meant to deal with relationships between sisters. However, as spoilers go, I was pleased to read Dempsey's comment that Derek would be devastated by the news of the miscarriage, as that reaction is the only one I could fathom as I began to write this story, though that's a couple chapters away. Warm regards, Jasmin_

_**Obliterated Hopes - Chapter 11: Sisters **_

"Mom," Kathleen said when Carolyn approached Derek's room just before dawn that Thursday morning. "What's wrong? You've been crying."

"I'm fine," Carolyn said, "how's your brother?"

"Mom…" Kathleen insisted, "you're not one to cry…"

"Sometimes," Carolyn smiled at her, "it's good for the soul. Now, tell me, how is he?"

"His vitals are good. But, you know he won't be waking up for hours," Kathleen reassured her, and at the same time a slight reprimand. "Ma, you did not get any rest."

Carolyn smiled softly, tears of melancholy in her eyes. "Sweetheart, I got the rest I needed," she said, "don't worry about me," and touched her daughter's cheek, "as long as your brother gets well, that is all that matters."

"Mom," Nancy joined them right outside his ICU and understanding the reasons for the tears stated the obvious. "You spoke to Meredith as Derek wanted."

"Yes," Carolyn sighed involuntarily, "she's aware of what's happened…with Dad…and Amy."

Kathleen put her arm around her, "you shouldn't have been forced to relive all of that again….it wasn't fair of Derek…especially now."

"Sweetheart," Carolyn reached for both her daughters' hands, "I wasn't forced…it was the right thing…the right time; we share that now…Meredith and I…understanding what it means to spend hours in fear of losing the love of your life, your soul mate…I thank God…it never became a reality for her. But, this," lips pursed she nodded her head slightly, "the last twenty four hours…there's a lot more…she's admitted as much…"

"She told you," Nancy interrupted her, "what else is bothering her, what's making her so sad…Mom, what else happened? Is she keeping something about Derek's condition?"

"She acknowledged," Carolyn said, "there was more…that's all."

"We should try to her to talk to us," Kathleen said, "it will be good for her."

"Leave the psychiatrist at home Kathleen," Carolyn told her. "If you want to help, respect her privacy. She told me she'd talk to me…when she was ready."

Meredith joined the Shepherd women about twenty minutes later, at first simply watched from afar, marveling at the ties and bonds of family; amazed that the couple years of distance and separation had done nothing to dim the obvious affection between them, and as she got closer noticed all three women held a small silver rosary in their hands.

"Good morning," Meredith said quietly, "has he been sleeping all this time?"

"Yes," Nancy smiled at her, pausing from the familiar prayer "but, that's expected and his vitals are good and he's monitored every fifteen minutes, the nurses have been wonderful."

"Ok," Meredith smiled softly and walked to his side, softly kissing his forehead, hovering over him, smoothing out the thin hospital blanket over part of his body.

"Meredith," Kathleen said, "I don't think you and Mom are very good for each other."

"What…" Both Carolyn and Meredith responded, while Carolyn automatically placed a hand over Meredith's arm, the small rosary still in her hand.

"Neither of you got any rest, like you were supposed to." Kathleen stated with a teasing smile. "Don't you agree Nance? We'll have to separate them in the future, like we do with the kids?"

"I think," Carolyn looked at her daughters, "it's time these you two busybodies went to get some rest. You can go check in at the hotel, shower, have breakfast. Mark said it wasn't very far from here."

"We will if you do." Nancy stated.

"I'm going to be here when Amy and Maggie arrive," Carolyn told them.

"So are we," Nancy said, "and that won't be for at least another four hours, so you can come with us. In fact, I'll stay with Derek and you go with Kathleen, that way even Meredith can go home for a little while."

"I'm not leaving him," Meredith said emphatically.

"Meredith," Carolyn said, "it would do you good…to go home for a few hours."

"I'm not leaving…" Meredith met each woman's gaze.

"All right," Carolyn said, "that's settled. But, you are going to go get some breakfast."

"I'm not hungry," Meredith said truthfully. "I'll stay with Derek, the three of you really should go."

"Kat," Nancy said, "we're fighting a losing battle. Let's have breakfast and check in, we can be back before Maggie and Amelia get here."

"Girls," Carolyn said, "take Meredith with you, she needs to eat."

"You're older," Meredith said, confident their existing relationship allowed her some familiarities, as many as the tears they shed. "You go with them and I'll eat later."

"She's calling you old," Nancy raised an eyebrow, "and you're letting her?"

"She knows I lied to her…she can call me old," Carolyn stated, "in private."

Kathleen and Nancy exchanged glances, which did not go unnoticed by either Meredith or Carolyn, as both sisters accepted that Carolyn had taken Meredith under her wing.

"Mom," Nancy said, "Meredith is right. You should come with us."

"Let's settle this once and for all. I am the mother here. I'm not hungry, I certainly don't need the calories as is evident by my waistline, and I am not going anywhere until your sister Amy and your brother have talked, and until he is settled comfortably outside an intensive care unit. Don't argue with me, it won't do any good; do as your told and go eat breakfast."

"I'm not sure," Meredith tread somewhat carefully, "Derek would agree with you."

"He rarely ever does, as is the case with all my children."

"Mom," Kathleen started to say, "you're not being very…"

"Kathleen," Carolyn interrupted, "take Meredith with you. She has not slept for a very long time and from what Mark said, she hasn't done very well with nourishment either."

"Meredith," Nancy said, "I don't think she's going to let us stay here."

Meredith bit her lip, pondering how to convince Carolyn to leave and avoid spending time with his sisters; there was only so much family she could handle.

"Meredith," her mother in law said, "stop thinking. I'm a lot better and have a lot more practice at being bossy," and her words momentarily lifted their spirits as all three younger women laughed, and Meredith was led from the room to the cafeteria.

"Cristina," Meredith sighed with relief, "you're going to see Derek. I'll come with you."

"I'm not…" Cristina said without thinking, "Owen is forcing me to eat breakfast."

"Crap," Meredith mumbled, while his sisters waited, somewhat amused.

"Yeah," Cristina agreed. "Suddenly he thinks he can order me around…let me tell you he still has a lot to make up for before…"

"There you are," Owen said, "I just checked in on Derek. Mrs. Shepherd asked me to make sure you all got something to eat. We've a long day ahead of us."

"Ass…" Cristina mumbled.

"Yes dear," Owen chuckled and placing his hand on the small of her back followed Derek's sisters to the cafeteria, making it a bit easier for Meredith, as the conversation turned to his condition and how well he was recuperating. His sisters also got more details about the previous day's event before another emotional event would soon capture Meredith's attention.

"Hunt," Owen answered his phone and after a few seconds replied. "Give us a few minutes. We'll meet up with you there."

"What's going on?" Cristina asked him.

"Meredith," Owen spoke to her directly, "Mark is going to be here in a few minutes with Lexie, and thinks it would be best if you two had some privacy. She's pretty shaken up."

"He told me he was going to get her," Meredith said, "is Alex with them?"

"I didn't ask," Owen stated simply.

"Ok," Meredith took a deep breath and started to get up, "where do I meet them?"

"The small quiet room by the nurse's station," he told her.

"Ok," she said, and shivered involuntarily, as the memory of speaking to Derek there, telling him Doc needed to be put to sleep and all the anger he directed at her forced its way to the present.

"I'll go with you," Cristina said.

"No," Meredith told her. "Go check on Derek, he should be fine, but if he shows any signs of waking up, please come get me."

"Owen…" Cristina met his gaze.

"I'll go with Meredith," Owen told her, "you finish your breakfast, then go to Shepherd."

"Kathleen, Nancy," Meredith said, "I appreciate how thoughtful you've been. I won't be too long…you can go to the hotel, I'll be there with your mother."

"Don't worry about anything, go see your sister," Nancy told her.

Meredith and Owen walked toward their destination, but were met with an unexpected emotional scene before them. Mark looked on as Thatcher Grey held an uncontrollable sobbing Lexie in his arms.

"Meredith," Mark said quietly, "I didn't know he was still here. Should have expected her reaction if she saw him."

"It's ok," Meredith said, shaken by her sister's emotional breakdown. "It's good that he's here for her."

"She really wanted to see you," Mark said. "She's had a rough day, and did not deal very well with the news about Derek."

The older man soothed his younger daughter, and met Meredith's gaze. "Lexie, honey…Meredith is here."

"Meredith," Lexie turned her tear streaked face to her sister, "Mark said Derek's ok…that he's going to be ok…Mer…are you ok?" She wiped away tears, "I'm sorry…I wasn't here…so much is my fault…he shot at me and I was scared and…I was responsible for shutting his wife's…"

"Enough of that," Meredith said calmly, and uncharacteristically displayed her emotions in public, as she placed on her sister's shoulder, "this was not anyone's fault…"

"Lexie honey," Thatcher said, "you go with your sister…Meredith's been here all night, and the two of you can…"

"Daddy," Lexie said, "you were here…all night…you didn't tell me when I spoke to you…didn't tell me you were coming here…"

"He was here all night," Meredith answered. "He told me you were ok, that he'd spoken with you. He wanted to be here to make sure Derek was ok," and then quietly, almost a whisper "that I was ok."

"You're not mad…" Lexie looked at her sisters, soulful eyes filled with hope.

"I got to introduce him to Derek's family," Meredith said, "they met…part of my family," she said, and with that statement, the wounds of the past truly began the slow, oftentimes excruciatingly slow throughout the years, process of healing.

"Daddy..." Lexie asked hopeful, "will you stay?"

"I'm staying," he met Meredith's gaze ever so briefly, "in case my daughters need anything."

"Meredith," Mark said, as he saw a handful of people walking by and staring, "we should go someplace more private to talk."

"Yes," Meredith agreed and gently touched her sister's arm, "Lexie…let's go, Cristina knows where to find me if Derek wakes."

"Daddy," Lexie said, "I'll be back in a little bit."

"I'll be here."

"Do you," Meredith hesitated, but seeing her sister sobbing overruled logic at that moment, "Thatcher…do you want to join us…you know what's happened."

"I can…" Thatcher too hesitated, fumbled for words, "I can wait…you two…"

"She may need you," Meredith said and linked her arm through Lexie's, surprised by both her sister's apparent fragility and the overwhelming sense to protect; expecting him and Mark to follow them to the small quiet room, and they did, though their father chose to remain outside the room.

"Lexie," Mark said in a surprisingly tender tone, as he led her and Meredith to the loveseat that faced the oversized armchair in the small room and sat across from them.

"Lexie," Meredith said and glanced at Mark, his unusual hovering worrying her, as her sister's tears continued. "Everything's ok now…it's been a very difficult day, but everyone we care about is going to be ok…things are under control," she repeated for her own benefit.

"It's not," Lexie looked up to her, "so much violence…all so senseless…all the images the blood…just won't go away and Alex…he…Mark…" she turned to him, "she needs to know."

"Mark," Meredith looked from one to the other, "what's going on…Lexie…tell me, why are you so upset…really…things are under control."

"They're not," her sister turned to Mark again, "nothing's under control."

"Meredith," Mark took a deep breath, while reaching for Lexie's hand.

"What's wrong with Alex…that's what she's talking about…Mark…Lexie…don't…"

"Alex is going to be fine," Mark told her.

"Going to be fine," Meredith repeated, "that means…he was hurt, oh my God…no…not Alex too."

"So much blood," Lexie mumbled, "so much blood…"

"Where is he, Mark, where is Alex?"

"Meredith," he said without letting go of Lexie's hand. "Alex is going to be fine."

"But…he's not fine right now," Meredith met his gaze.

"He is recovering well," Mark told her.

"Oh God," Meredith's eyes filled with tear, "what else…what else has happened, what other loses? What more are you keeping from me? Why didn't you tell me before?"

"Listen to me," Mark told her, speaking quietly. "You've been dealing with all sorts of hell with Derek…and Alex, though he was hurt, I knew was in good hands. He is in good hands."

"Tell me," Meredith pleaded, "Lexie…tell me what happened?"

"We found him," she blurted out, "in a pool of blood in the elevator…if we hadn't…if we…so much blood."

"Mark," Meredith asked, her voice unsteady, "please…tell me…"

"He was shot," Mark began, "but, Meredith, I promise you, he is going to be fine, his recovery is good, he's out of danger."

"Tell me…all of it…how it happened," Meredith insisted.

"He left him," Lexie said through her tears, "to die…"

"Lex," Mark caressed the hand he held, "let me tell her," and he did. "Luckily Karev dragged himself to an elevator…" and as the complete story unfolded, Meredith found herself becoming her sister's strength, as she placed an arm around her, and heard the rest of the story. Shock, probably, kept her from interrupting as Mark told the story as accurately and quickly as he could."

"He's going to be ok…" Meredith repeated. "You're not lying to me."

"I'd never lie to you about something like this," Mark told her.

"You kept it from me…" Meredith accused lightly.

"I thought," Mark said, "if Lexie was here, you'd realize that she'd never leave him if he wasn't out of danger. There was nothing to be gained from you knowing, not until all was well with Derek, which it is, and now you know all will be well with Karev," he told her as they spoke for a few more minutes.

"Lexie," Meredith said, "you were so brave…everything you did…both you and Mark saved Alex's life," and refused to allow her sister to mention being to blame again. "Now, I think you should go home and get some rest, maybe…you can spend some time with Thatcher."

"I'm going to take her home," Mark interrupted. "I promised her she wouldn't be far from the hospital in case you needed her this morning. She knows the clan has descended upon Seattle, and that I'd drive her over to stay with Karev later."

"Meredith," Lexie looked to her sister, "are you really ok?"

"Derek's recovering well, and so is Alex…and my sister and all those I care about are ok…that's all that matters now."

"I'll stay with you…you don't have to be with his family alone…I know how you feel."

"I want you to go with Mark and I'll see you later," she insisted, unable to dismiss her sister's emotional fragility. "Carolyn has been very comforting and his sisters are being very nice. There are two more sisters on their way… so you can give me some moral support with them later," she smiled at her sister.

"I'm going to let your father know you're going to get some rest at my place," Mark told Lexie.

"Mark," Meredith said, "he's been here all night, maybe the three of you can have breakfast first."

"We'll do that," Mark told her, and went to speak to the man he'd met months before, never once thinking he could have been destined to become his father in law.

"Meredith," Lexie said, "I'm sorry…I'm not helping you…I want to…to be here for you and I feel like…"

"You are here for me," Meredith soothed, "just as I am for you…"

"You should hate me…like that maniac…he wanted revenge for his wife…I'm the one that turned off…"

"Stop it," Meredith said emphatically, "he is the only one to blame…" and flinched at the discomfort of her body.

"Meredith," Lexie said, "what's wrong…were you hurt, are you hurt too?"

Yes, she wanted to scream…I'm hurt and devastated and when Derek finds I'm scared of how he will react, she thought as her nightmare reared its ugly head. "No, I'm not hurt. But, you are hurting…" she stated as she locked gazes with her sister's distant one.

"He was hurt…in so much pain…I thought he was going to die…"

"But, he didn't," Meredith comforted her.

"I told him I loved him…thinking that it would make him feel better…"

"It did Lexie," Meredith assured her, "I'm sure it did…that helped him get through it."

"No," Lexie shook her head, "he's in love with Izzie…he was in such pain…and that's all he could think of….he wanted her."

"Lexie…"

"It's ok…" Lexie wiped away the tears. "I have to help him through it, till he gets well."

"I'm sorry," Meredith hugged her, "I'm sorry…"

Shortly after Mark opened the door and Thatcher Grey joined his daughters, again telling Meredith he'd be around for whatever they needed.

"Mark," Meredith turned to him, "she's not dealing very well with this."

"I know," Mark said. "I'm worried about her."

"You're a good friend," Meredith placed her hand over his arm.

"She's hurting," he said, "she told him she loved him and…"

"And he's in love with Izzie."

"She told you?"

"She did…"

"She's taking it hard."

"I guess you forgot what I told you earlier," Meredith said.

"What…"

"She loves Alex…it's inevitable, but she's not in love with him."

"We'll see," Mark said, unsure of what Lexie felt for him, but certain of the way he felt for her, as the need to look after her became his primary concern.

"Thank you," Meredith reached up to kiss his cheek. "For looking out for us…all of us."

"You're my family."

"Yes, we are." Meredith allowed him to put his arm over her shoulders and walked her towards Derek's unit, where he spent a few minutes before joining Lexie and Thatcher.

"Carolyn," Meredith stood by her side once they were alone again, "when I walked in here earlier, you were all praying…I interrupted you…"

"We've said so many prayers in the last hours; it was just as important to talk to you."

"I don't know much about rosaries, but…each of you," she touched her hand, placed it on the small silver beads Carolyn held, "they look the same…"

"Yes," Carolyn smiled at her softly, placed the silver rosary with tiny beads in her hands, "it was their gift…from us…for their first communion, a tradition of sorts that my husband remembered from his own. He worried about which of the children should get it…Kathleen was the first born, so that made sense, but by the time she was old enough for her first communion, we had three kids, and only one boy…so I told him, I thought it should go to Derek…and the others each got a brand new one in its special case, and as his, inscribed inside…" Carolyn turned and reached into her bag and took out a small silver oval case, no bigger than an inch and opened it, revealing the letter S and two dates; her husband's and later Derek's first communion, on the lid an exquisitely detailed and fine outline of the Guardian Angel watching over two children.

"This is Derek's," Meredith smiled softly thorough a sheen of sentimental tears. "You've kept it…"

"After Dad died," Carolyn said, "he never touched it again."

"It means a lot to you," Meredith's eyes watered as she met his mother's gaze, who only nodded, neither aware Derek had woken, "I'm sure it will mean a lot to him too, that you'd kept it…and brought it with you."

"It…" both women turned toward him, shocked by the sound of his hoarse voice.

"Derek," Meredith's smile literally lit the room, as she reached for his hand, "you're awake."

"Ma…" he said as his squeezed Meredith's hand, and gently told her that he loved her.

"Derek," Carolyn told him, "don't try to talk…just rest…"

"Ma…" he insisted, "means…a lot…"

"Oh," Carolyn Shepherd suppressed a sob, "you heard," and her son nodded.

Meredith placed the rosary in her hand in his, "she told me, it had been yours…"

Derek nodded again, closing his hand tightly, and closed his eyes as a tear escaped and Meredith kissed it away as he succumbed to sleep again, remembering the desperate prayers he'd offered as he lay in a pool of blood, feeling his life slipping away.

The morning's activities were well on their way within a very short period of time as Teddy, Owen and Cristina walked in the room, and in spite of Meredith's immense displeasure, insisted on waking Derek and conducting the corresponding examinations while she and Carolyn waited outside with his sisters, who'd stopped in once more to persuade their mother to join them at the hotel.

"Meredith," Teddy spoke to Derek, "as you may know, has made it clear she won't put up with fast tracking, and I can assure you it will not happen. But, Derek we all know the best thing was to extubate within six to eight hours, and now the next step is to get you to your room, and based on your recovery so far, I have every intention of making that happen today…no more than twenty four hours…"

"Dr. Altman," Meredith began, "I hardly think…"

Derek squeezed her hand, "it's ok."

"Derek…if you're not ready…"

"Meredith," Owen said, "you know she's right…he should be out of here and in a regular room where he needs to be up and walking…"

"He just had surgery," Meredith insisted, "he is not…"

"Mer…" Derek murmured, "think…like doctor," he paused, "not wife."

"I'm your wife…and I…"

His thumb caressed the back of his hand; I love you he repeated over and over.

"I don't want them rushing you…" Meredith told him.

"Meredith," Teddy said, "I assure you…we will not rush him, but I have to recommend what I think is best for his treatment and recovery, and that is…" she continued until Derek's eyes closed, fatigue overcoming his desire to remain awake.

"Mer," Cristina said when it was just the two of them in the room, as Carolyn had consented to going with her daughter's to the hotel for a quick shower, but only after they'd found out about the flight delays. "You know she's right, and if he were a patient only…you'd be pushing for the same thing."

"I almost lost him," Meredith said, "I can't risk anything else going wrong."

"It won't," Cristina told her.

"Why didn't you tell me about Alex," Meredith reproached, walking out of the small enclosure to avoid Derek overhearing and the next half hour was spent catching up on that and the encounter with Lexie; Meredith voicing her concerns to Cristina over her sister's overly emotional state. Cristina, recognizing Meredith's distress over Alex's condition, and the conflicting need to remain by Derek's side, voluntarily added she and Owen had planned to go see him later that day and would report back accordingly.

The minutes and hours began an unforeseen countdown that would bring reverberating waves of change and further inflict doubts and fears, not to mention rattle the confidence of once cocky interns and residents; brought on by the inevitable assignment of a trauma team to deal with the aftermath of mass murder and the effects on survivors.

Weather in the East caused delayed flights and cancellations, setting the course that allowed unexpected circumstances to unfold and shake up the thus far peaceful Shepherd family visit, unleashing years of resentment between siblings.

Maggie and Amy, the younger sisters were scheduled to arrive before ten in the morning, however, that became early afternoon. Whereas, upon their arrival, Derek would have been protected from too many visitors in the confines of the intensive care unit, by noon Teddy Altman and Cristina had handled his smooth transition to a private room, in fact a VIP room that hadn't been used even for the board chair when the penis fish incident took place. But, given the circumstances of the shooting, the hospital's chief of surgery one of its victims, Derek was moved to a room with an adjoining sitting area that easily accommodated the Shepherd clan. Unfortunately, the door between the patient room and the sitting area offered the patient no protection from harsh spiteful comments, albeit born from deep fears and years of emotional avoidance.

The hours progressed much like the day before, Meredith needing to excuse herself periodically and deal with the constant physical reminder of her loss; the emotional toll placed tightly away in the ever present familiar practice of avoidance.

Derek's moments of lucid acceptance of the situation were painful for Meredith to watch, as he struggled with the physical discomfort; every time he was forced to cough, which was essential, was agonizing to watch as his eyes watered in pain. Then, moments of respite would follow as he slept, and during those times Cristina forced her to leave the room and rest. Lexie arrived in the middle of the day with several days worth of clothing for Meredith, visiting briefly and being reassured Derek would recover completely; allowing her sister time to shower and settle into a new pair of scrubs she found more comfortable than other clothing.

The Shepherd women kept watch over the son and brother, as did Meredith, but she worried about the days to come; the recuperation to follow as the next day he would be forced to be up and out of bed, that too part of the process to faster healing. The Shepherd women also watched over his wife, the daughter and sister in law, their concern for her well being genuine.

"Mom," Nancy said, "Maggie just called, they've just landed and after they get the rental car, should be here within forty minutes. You've delayed lunch long enough, why don't you persuade Meredith to go with you and we'll stay with him, she's hardly left his side."

Carolyn Shepherd looked through the small window on the door, saw her daughter in law speaking softly to her husband, a smile from him before he closed his eyes and she kissed him softly, the gentle words encouraging him to sleep, and then she walked in quietly and put her arm around her and persuaded her to join her for lunch.

"It's not going to work every time you know," Meredith said to Carolyn once they reached the small sitting area, and his sisters smiled, "I already know you lie…and you don't think you're old…even if you are," she managed to tease.

"Meredith," Kathleen smiled at her, "she's letting you get away with murder…calling her old, she does not accept that at all. She thinks she's still…"

"Enough about me," Carolyn said, "keep an eye on Derek, we won't be gone long."

"How do you think he's going to react?" Nancy turned to her sister. "He hasn't spoken with Amy in so long, I was almost sure he'd want to keep her away."

"Nance," Kathleen said, "I don't think he's ever accepted her choices…we all tried so hard to give her a normal childhood after Dad was done, and Derek…he was the most affected by her choices…felt so betrayed, but deep down it's our little sister, that's why he wanted to make sure Meredith understood…why he asked Mom to tell her what he keeps so tightly hidden away."

"Let's hope she'll show more maturity than her usual…" Nancy said.

"Nancy," Derek whispered, "Kathleen…"

"Hey, you're awake," Nancy smiled. "Do you need anything? Are you in pain?"

"Water," he said quietly, and they both saw his attempt at avoiding coughing, and they handed him a pillow to hold to make it easier. Then, he lay back exhausted.

"I know it hurts like a bitch," Kathleen said.

"You don't," he glared at her.

"Hey," Kathleen reminded him, "I've had two c-sections, and it doesn't compare to your surgery, but the pain from coughing, it's the same crap…except yours is probably ten times worse…so yeah, mine was minor and it was hell. Yours, I know has got to be excruciating," and he nodded as both sisters held his hands offering comfort.

"Thanks…" he squeezed their hands, "being here…"

"We wouldn't be anywhere else," Nancy said.

"Kids?" Derek asked simply.

"Growing…getting older," Kathleen joked, "which is hard to believe since we're looking younger than ever."

Derek smiled, "miss you…family…"

"We miss you too," Nancy said, "and after this…when you are well, we are going to harass you to visit…it's time."

"Mer…" he said her name, one word clearly stating his need to know her whereabouts.

"She's with Mom, we forced them to leave and grab lunch before Maggie and Amelia get here, their on their way from the airport now."

"Mer…something's wrong," he said.

"Meredith is fine," they both assured him, and he shook his head.

"No…" Derek insisted, "look in her eyes…"

Both sisters exchanged glances, they too were aware all was not well, that she was keeping emotions at bay, but his comment, his concern only reiterated the deep bond between their brother and Meredith, as even in his condition, his concern for her was greater than his own; as Meredith's concern focused solely on him. Their mother had been right so many months before, clearly, the two were meant to be together; were meant for each other.

"She's worried about you…that's all, but now that we're sure you're going to be fine, Mom was even able to drag her away from here for a little bit."

Derek's lids grew heavy, but not before he looked at them both, "be nice…"

"We are nice…" both protested, "we are…"

"I love her… be nice…"

"We like her Derek…we can see how right the two of you are for each other."

"Amy…Addie…" he shook his head, "Amy…be nice…"

"We'll be here…don't worry about anything," Kathleen smiled at her brother.

"Mer…tired…needs sleep…" he mumbled before sleep indeed claimed him.

Meredith Grey hovered over her husband the moment she walked back in his room, first checking his vitals, kissing him softly on the forehead while his family gave them some privacy and remained in the adjoining waiting area, both sisters on the large couch that surely fit five, and Carolyn on one of the overly large arm chairs. That was the scene that greeted his two younger sisters.

"Maggie," Carolyn addressed the first one to walk in, as she and her daughters rose, "honey, what inconvenience with all the cancellations," and hugged her tightly.

"Over four hours delayed," Maggie confirmed. "Ma, how is he?"

"He's doing much better…much better," Carolyn sighed and faced her youngest child. "Amelia, dear, it's been a long time…I'm glad you could be here."

"Why wouldn't I be here? I'm not the cold hearted bitch you make me out to be…"

"Amelia," Carolyn scolded, "why must it always be this way?"

"I don't know Mom," the dark haired woman said, crossing her arms to maintain the distance, both physical and emotional. "Why don't you tell me."

"We are not going to argue," Maggie, the most openly sentimental of the four sisters already had tears in her eyes, said. "Derek almost died…he has a hellish recovery ahead, we are going to be the family we've been raised to be…no matter how hard that may be."

"Fantasy land…" Amelia mumbled.

"Amelia," Nancy said, "Maggie is right. You're here because you care and we know that, so stop hiding behind all the defensive mechanisms once and for all."

"Guess big brother called it right," Amelia smirked, "you really are a frustrated psychiatrist. Leave that to Kathleen."

"You're better off with her diagnosis," Kathleen scowled at her, but reached out to hug her. "I'm more likely to clobber you if you insist on your usual…"

"How is Derek?" Amelia interrupted. "What's his diagnosis?" she slipped into doctor mode, effectively sealing off emotions deeply rooted; fears of losing him greater than she'd ever expected from the moment she heard he'd been shot, and since then, memories of the past had come back to haunt her. She loved her brother, adored him since the day she was born and then the day that changed their lives forever had forced her to put her feelings neatly away in tiny corner of her heart; she'd never allow her world to come crashing down on her again, not the way it had the day their father died, her hero had died before her, and taking his place was her brother. But, then life had screwed with her again, life spiraling out of control, and Derek had never forgiven her, just as she had never forgiven him for turning away, for failing to see she was drowning in pain and sorrow and fears, and instead had passed judgment on her, and that mutual resentment born out of mutual fears and misunderstandings had ruled their relationship for years.

"Maggie," Nancy asked after they filled them in on Derek's condition. "How's everyone at home, the kids?"

"All's under control and the guys will handle whatever comes up," Maggie told them, "for as long as we need to be here."

"You're forgetting," Amelia said, "from all I've heard…Derek's intern may not want family around, something about…"

"Meredith," Carolyn said, "your brother's wife has been very gracious and welcoming."

"I see," Amelia shook her head, "she's been canonized into sainthood. Imagine that, Addie was his wife for eleven years and you never accepted her, and his live in lover gets full..."

"Regardless," Carolyn said sternly, "what you may think of his wife…"

"Mom," Amelia said flippantly, "she is not his wife."

"What are you talking about," Maggie said, "they've been married for months."

"Please, Derek's idea of marriage to the slutty intern, which you Kathleen, I might add told us about…"

"That was a mistake," Kathleen said, "we'd heard she was married…"

"It's neither here nor there now, she's not his wife. They're not married."

"What the hell are you talking about Amy?" Nancy demanded.

"Don't call me that Nancy."

"Cut the crap out," Kathleen said, though their voices were relatively quiet, they were regrettably not quiet enough, as Meredith sat near Derek on the reclining chair, her eyes lightly closed, and their brother unbeknownst to them all began to wake, alertness becoming more prevalent as the words continued to flow. "What are you talking about?"

"Addie told me," Amelia said.

"Great source of truth and loyalty…" Maggie said.

"You know what Maggie," Amelia turned on her. "You are hardly one to talk about perfect marriages…just because…"

"Amelia," Carolyn's voice rose. "Stop this nonsense."

"It's not nonsense. They are not legally married, they wrote vows on a post it note, and if you think that's making a commitment to marriage think again, at least he married Addie, loved her enough to marry her."

Meredith was stunned, speechless, and immediately got up to check on Derek; satisfied he was asleep walked to the door to and was again shocked by the words that followed. Momentarily, very momentarily, she allowed doubts to creep in, wondered if Derek had indeed not taken their commitment, their vows and marriage as seriously as she.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Carolyn was taken aback, "but, it is very clear they love each other, and that Addie was clearly not the woman for him."

"You never liked her Ma…at least she was more supportive…" Amy insisted.

"Don't mention Addie to me again," Carolyn stated adamantly. "She betrayed your brother and the sanctity of their marriage."

"And Derek didn't," Amelia continued, "he left her Mom and came out here and had an affair, an adulterous affair as you would say…"

"He walked in on them," Maggie reminded her, "cheap and disgusting…caught them on their bed…"

"So what…" Amelia said, and the words that followed would precipitate the derailment of the train wreck fast approaching the Shepherd's family tranquility. "I understood her; I didn't immediately jump to judge her as to why she turned to Mark…Derek was equally responsible for their problems…"

"You understood," Carolyn Shepherd said in cold deadly tone, at the realization of her daughter's comment, "you knew."

"I…" Amelia recognized her involuntary revelation, "I..." she paused, looking for the right words to explain a situation, her own betrayal to her brother, that in her heart knew had none to offer, "she always supported me, she didn't judge me like the rest of you…I was not going to judge her, she was just as heartbroken."

"You knew," Carolyn repeated, "about her affair with Mark…and you understood…you supported her despicable behavior…"

"Derek was not above reproach," Amelia argued, "he came out here and had an affair…"

"Amelia," Kathleen said, "as much as I judged Derek…once I knew he'd walked in on Mark and Addison, it didn't matter…not any more. He walked out, he left her, their marriage was over, and there is nothing that compares to Addie's behavior and Mark's..."

"Enough of this…" Meredith walked out of the room, "your brother, my husband," she emphasized, staring at his younger sister, " is not going to be upset by any of this. Take the conversation elsewhere. Carolyn, I'm sorry…but, I can't risk Derek overhearing."

Carolyn met Meredith's gaze, "you're absolutely right dear. There's been more than enough said… how is Derek?"

"He's sleeping, but I don't want him upset…please…" Meredith said, as Amelia Shepherd sized her up and down.

"You're the new wife," Amelia said sardonically.

"I'm his wife," Meredith said.

"I see," Amy looked at Meredith's ring less finger, "Mom's ring, the one she took off just for you…wasn't good enough. Maybe you're holding out for one from Tiffany's," and Meredith felt as she had been slapped; first at the revelation that it had been Carolyn's ring, then the additional comment about their wedding, "along with a marriage license."

"Amelia," Carolyn said, "I am ashamed of you…"

"What else is new," Amelia met her mother's gaze, her eyes reflecting years of unshed tears, hating herself for the words she'd echoed, for the inevitable pain she knew she'd caused, but years of resentment and fears hadn't reined in the verbal bullets that inflicted more pain than the madman's shot that had critically injured her brother.

"Mer…" a faint, very faint voice filled the room, his heart filled with pain. "Mer…"

"Derek," Meredith turned rapidly, and met his gaze, and rushed to his side; the adjoining room fell silent, eerily so, "you're in pain…what's wrong…Derek…I'm going to call Dr. Altman and Cristina."

"No," he said, and reached for her hand, "no…doctor. My sister…my family…"

"Derek…what's wrong," she panicked, he was calling for his family, maybe he felt worse, something serious, her eyes filled with tears, and reached for the call button. "I'm calling Doctor…"

"No…" he insisted, his thumb over her hand, I love you, over and over again. "I'm ok."

"Derek…you're not…I can see it in your eyes," she saw the depth of his soul, the pain in the eyes that so often mesmerized her.

"Sisters… Mom…"

"I'll get them…but…you're sure…you're not in pain? Derek, don't lie to me," her eyes searched his desperately.

"No," he paused as he lied to her, "no pain."

"Carolyn…" Meredith turned back to his family, "Derek…he wants you and his sisters."

Meredith remained by his side as his family walked through the now open door; Maggie's half sob filling the room, but first she turned to the wall, located the basin and washed her hands, and then rushed to his side, reaching for his hand. "Derek…I love you."

"Me too," he said, as he met her gaze and nodded. Then he squeezed Meredith's hand, his lifeline, as he looked at his younger sister and untold stories unfolded in both their minds, loving childhood memories turned to spiteful words and actions.

"Amelia," Derek said, starling her by the use of her full name, the first time he had ever complied with her wish; followed by words that stunned them all; he'd been awake, he'd heard their conversation. "Meredith is my wife," and the pause and subsequent intake of breath made it evident he was using every ounce of strength to speak, while his gaze remained on his younger sister and said. "Now, get out. Don't ever come back."


	12. Chapter 12

_A/N 10/7/10 – Thanks to all of you still interested in reading; to each of you that comments, heartfelt appreciation._

_Apologies for the long delay in this chapter; it's been difficult to write as I knew how I wanted to portray Amy and Meredith's reaction, but didn't want to have too much info regarding his background since her visit to Grey's was imminent. I've left their "story" vague enough not to be too far off from the show. I'd also intended for this to include two other aspects of the first forty eight hours after the shooting, but I haven't had time to write as I'd wanted. Your feedback always greatly appreciated._

_Amy's or Amelia's visit tonight and her relationship with Derek is ironic in that it seems to be exactly the opposite of what he wants to portray his close family relationship to be; that is, he encouraged Meredith to bond with Lexie, yet there's this big elephant in the room reflected in his relationship with his youngest sister. Let's hope we have an amazing episode tonight in regard to his background and the sibling's relationship._

_**Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 12**_

"Derek," Amelia looked genuinely heartbroken. "You…don't mean that."

"I do," Derek said while his gaze remained steady on Meredith's just as his hold on her hand; hours earlier, unable to speak he'd willed her to understand he didn't want to go to sleep, he wanted and needed to feel alive in her presence; now he willed her to accept his love for her.

The look in her eyes confirmed he had not been imagining the sadness, the one that went beyond her fears as a result of the shooting. Those feelings he'd so often cursed, those feelings when he knew what would happen next; for them he was grateful at this moment. Thanked the God of his childhood, so long forgotten, for helping recognize that the look in her eyes had turned to doubts; doubts he needed to eliminate from becoming added worries in his wife's already vulnerable emotional state.

"Derek," Meredith was oblivious to everyone else in the room, "you're in pain."

"No," he said, lying to her again; he was experiencing excruciating emotional pain, making the physical discomfort pale in comparison.

"Derek…you are," Meredith insisted, ignoring the five Shepherd women still present.

"You…" he paused, taking a deep breath, "ok?"

"Me…" she shook her head in denial, before recognizing the mistake that followed with her words. "I'm fine."

"Mer," Derek's hand squeezed her gently, his thumb over her hand reassuring, "not fair…hurt…I'm sorry…so sorry…"

"I understand," she whispered to him, incorrectly interpreting his comments, believing the fairness he spoke of was about Addison and Mark, "how much they hurt you."

"No," he shook his head, "no…you…I'm sorry…she hurt you…"

"I…no…" Meredith said as she saw the pain in his eyes, "it's you I'm worried about."

"Addison…she was…it…hurt…" Derek closed his eyes, frustration

"You don't have to explain," Meredith said, "I know how you betrayed you felt…and I'm sorry," she caressed his face, "that you have to remember it all over…especially now."

No," he insisted the hold on her firm, though the weakness of his body, barely twenty four hours after major life saving surgery was making itself present. "You…Amelia hurt you."

"Oh…Derek," Meredith said tenderly, and pressed her lips to his and lingered briefly. "Don't worry about me," the emotional tears were impossible to prevent for them both.

"I do…" he said, emotions choking his voice, "I love you…and she…"

Maggie needed no further confirmation about the couple's feelings for each other; quietly drawing on tremendous inner strength, in spite the ongoing family teasing of her tears, escorted her mother and sisters out of the room.

"I'm ok…" Meredith assured him, his hand in hers. "I am," she said, as she stroked his forehead, his eyes now closed, and a lone tear escaped out of the corner of each eye.

"She had no right," he said, his eyes remained closed, "to say those things…"

"She doesn't know us," Meredith said softly, "nothing changes how we feel, our commitment. I love you…you know that."

"Yes," he said quietly.

"Ok," she kissed his lips again. "Now…you need rest…"

"Mer," his eyes met hers. "She's wrong…about us...and Addison, it no longer matters…I swear, only you do."

"I know," Meredith told him; the initial reaction of doubts completely forgotten. This was the man who loved her; the only man she'd ever loved. The man she was determined to protect from further emotional pain; they'd have enough to deal with when he discovered she'd been pregnant and had a miscarriage.

"I love you," he said, his eyes drooping.

"I love you," she kissed him tenderly, and her calm in this unexpected storm lulled him to sleep. However, another raging storm was brewing a short distance away from them.

Carolyn Shepherd was the first to speak, her words echoing emotions buried for far too long. "Amy," she said, "yes…that's who you are…to us, to all of us…you should be ashamed. Your brother has barely left the intensive care and all you can do is stroll in here and bring more reminders about her betrayal…Addison cheated on him, she slept with his best friend, and to find out you knew…how could you…" the matriarch was doing all she could to remain in control, "how could you betray your brother that way…how could you support her behavior…"

"You have never tried," Amy broke in, "never attempted to understand…"

"I understand enough to know he couldn't even speak and his first concern was about you…how you would react. How it would affect you to have to deal with his shooting…of the reminders of Dad being shot, of you having to relive that and how you'd react…how it could affect you again. Don't you tell me about understanding…"

"You always take his side," Amy shouted, "your golden boy…while not matter what I…"

"What," Carolyn Shepherd asked, tears flooding her vision, "what have we done to make you this way…how did he …how did we fail so horribly to make you act this way…to make you forget all you've been taught, to thrive on the total opposite to how I've raised you…what did he do, when all he'd done since the day your father died is try to be there for you and support you… and all you've done is challenge everything you were ever taught…how I raised this family…the love we have for you, thrown back at us…repeatedly."

"Mom," Maggie intervened, this isn't doing any good…you can't get this upset…you're right, we are a family, a family that in spite all our problems loves each other…Ma…"

"Amelia," Nancy said, "how could you say those things, especially now, while he's."

"This is just great," Amy said, "you were the first one to tell us about the slutty intern, how she was responsible for Addie and Derek failing to make their marriage work again, and now… you're so blinded by her performance of her love for him, when she doesn't even care enough or respect the fact that mom took her ring off for the first time since dad died, for golden boy to give to her…and he didn't marry her…"

"Your brother was shot," Carolyn responded, "could have, could still lose his life…just like your father," her composure began to slip, "and she…" she pursed her lips, shaking her head and closing her eyes. "Meredith is his wife. She loves him. She would never betray him like Addison."

"You barely know her," Amy shouted at her, the need to make it about something else, someone else, except the real issues they'd avoided for years. "You knew Addie for over eleven years."

"Amelia," Carolyn Shepherd faced her youngest daughter, "you can go back to Los Angeles. We don't need you here."

"Mom," Amelia's whisper was but a sob before the dam of tears long overdue. "I can't…I can't go back," she said, and her sisters all knew she wasn't talking about Los Angeles, and then as all crumbled around her, Kathleen reached out to hold her.

Meredith, giving in to the inevitable physical discomfort had consented to have Cristina stay with Derek once he'd fallen asleep, but once she'd told Cristina what had happened, consented that he get a mild sedative. Now, her concern for Carolyn made her inquire of their whereabouts, and without hesitation opened the door to the small quiet room.

Meredith's first reaction was to turn around, to walk away from the obviously emotionally packed scene before her; she did not do well with families. But, the sobbing figure in Kathleen's arms made her stay; as well as seeing Nancy and Maggie comforting their mother, and she took a deep breath and faced the inevitable and began to understand what it meant to be part of a family.

"Carolyn," Meredith said quietly, approaching his mother, "everything is ok. Derek is sleeping."

"Nothing," Carolyn said, "is ok."

"It is…" Meredith told her, "he's alive. His family is here, just as he would want."

Amelia looked up at Meredith, and his wife understood the vulnerability, the doubts, the fears of rejection. "He does not want to see me."

"He does," Meredith said, absolutely shocked by her own words. "You hurt him. Deeply. But, he still wants you here."

"Meredith," Carolyn reached for her hand, "he was very clear…"

"Carolyn," Meredith said softly. "Derek loves his family, don't doubt that."

"Meredith," Nancy said, "we know he's upset, so is Amelia, but we heard him, he was most upset about you…how you felt."

"I know," Meredith said, "but…he loves his family more." She smiled, so very sure of herself, "I don't mean that he loves you more than me. He's angry, but most of all, he's hurt and I can see such overwhelming sadness, and because of him…I know how much he does care…he has taught me that the depth of those feelings, that it only happens when you love someone so much they have the ability to hurt you that much."

"He," Amelia met Meredith's gaze, "told me to get out, to never come back."

"He meant it," she said as each of the Shepherd women stared at her.

"Why," Amelia said, "are you here? To rub it in?"

"Why?" Meredith raised her chin. "Because I love him, and you going away with this unsettled between you is not going to help him, and I need for him to be ok."

"Meredith…sweetheart," Carolyn said, "I know my son. He is not going to forgive so easily. It's been years, and today only added to their…"

"I know," Meredith interrupted his mother as she looked at each of his sisters, then her gaze settled on Amelia, "my husband. He loves you Amy," she used his name for her, "and that's why he sent you away. Now, you tell me," she asked defiantly, "do you love him enough to stay?"

Derek slept through the next several hours, while circumstances beyond everyone's control would force Meredith from his bedside, and when he woke it was to find his sister. Amelia.

"Mer…Mom…" he said simply.

"They had to eat," she said simply.

"Why are you here?"

"When have I listened to you?"

"You're right…why start now," he told her. "You can leave."

"I let you do that for years…I'm not doing that anymore," she defied him. Somehow, the conversation that had followed after Meredith issued her challenged giving her the strength she needed to finally deal with years of avoidance.

"I don't want you here," he told her, the ache in his soul signaling the lies of his heart.

"For years," Amy began, "you wanted to control me…make me…force me to do what you wanted …be what you wanted, what you felt was acceptable and I wanted your support and acceptance so desperately, but you turned away from me…you left me…and I'm not letting you drive me away now…"

"You didn't want us…you …" Derek said, his voice as broken as the pain over their ongoing battle.

"I needed you," Amy said, forgetting the years she kept her true emotions hidden; there was no more time to waste; no more time to admit how his distance had affected her. "Desperately needed you…my brother…I'd lost dad…who was my hero…and you took over…how you took care of me…kept me safe…and it was all my fault daddy died…and then you…"

Derek was shocked by her admission, despair filling the depth of his soul, was it possible he had misunderstood her, all these years casting her aside, and suddenly he only saw the baby sister. "It was not your fault…Amy...Amelia…it was not your fault…"

You left me…"she accused, as similar blue eyes met, his almost impossibly light though burdened by years of misunderstanding, "just like daddy…"

"Oh God…" Derek's sob was gut wrenching. I'm sorry…so sorry…" he said, as jumbled memories came together…Meredith drowning…his breath of fresh air…Amy telling him she was drowning, figuratively, and he'd left her…both women he'd loved so intensely…he'd failed them.

"Amy," he said, reaching for her hand. "I'm so sorry I failed you…so sorry…"

"Derek," his sister looked at him, as she used to years before. Trusting him. "I love you…I do…" her words were broken, the tears flowed, "I'm sorry…so sorry too…"


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N – January 24, 2011 – Thanks to all of you that have commented on this story and continue to express an interest for its continuation. It's been difficult to get back to this mindset, especially given Grey's developments, but I wanted to honor the original idea, and provide you with how I'd have envisioned Meredith and Derek would deal with their loss. It was after all, even as the writer of episode, where she in 32 seconds told him of the miscarriage; for Meredith, the deepest injury._

_Thanks so very much to each of you for your comments, I'm ever so grateful and will speed up this story in the weeks to come, hoping you will not be too disappointed in the path it takes, it will be nothing like we've seen on Grey's thus far. A/N at end gives you a bit of the thought process behind this chapter._

_Hope you've enjoyed a great start to 2011 and I extend my best wishes for health, happiness and prosperity. Jasmin. _

_**Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 13**_

Meredith and Carolyn stood; seconds of time figuratively frozen, at the doorway to Derek's room; the younger woman, a loving if bittersweet smile, the elder taking deep breaths as her eyes watered. However, it was Carolyn that had her arm wrapped firmly around Meredith's waist as she gently led her forward, leaving the wheelchair behind them.

Early morning sun rays filtered intrusively through the closed blinds, every so often the shift of positions resembling dancers on the institutional hospital bedding; dancers, in no way a reflection of the additional heartbreak and sadness Meredith had experienced over the last several hours. Now, the sight before the two women offered much needed hope after hours of emotional despair.

Derek, who'd woken minutes before, sensed their presence and opened his eyes, at first growing concerned at his mother's tears, but Meredith's smiled comforted him, if only momentarily, and he raised his hand, in spite of the discomfort, and brought his index finger, the one with the pulse oximeter in place, to his lips to keep them quiet, and looked over to the woman, his baby sister, who was sitting up close to his bed, her head resting on the mattress as she slept, while his other hand lay protectively, almost as if wanting to reassure himself she was there, on top of Amy's.

_Flashback: _

_After the confrontation between siblings that led to Meredith's conversation with Amelia, she had checked on Derek, and after a particularly difficult and painful coughing attack he'd been given the sedative that would guarantee his rest for several hours._

_Meredith had sat near him, accepting the need to use the recliner, while the Shepherd women took turns in the room. However, Meredith would never forget the events that unfolded in the early evening hours, forced by the increasing physical discomfort she'd continued to experience; Cristina had led her to an on call room, and unwilling to compromise on her friend's well being handed her two pills, pain pills she'd told her, though she'd included a sleeping pill that would lead to painful revelations._

_Carolyn, after Meredith had been gone over four hours, which was highly unusual, went to check on her, finding her sleeping soundly on her side, and approached the bed quietly._

"_Oh…dear God," Carolyn brought a hand to her heart, composed herself briefly, before reaching for her phone, "Kathleen, find Cristina…quickly, tell her to meet me in the room where she left Meredith…right now Kathleen…"_

"_Mom," Kathleen said, "what's going on…are you ok? Mom…" she said to no one, as Carolyn had already disconnected the call._

"_Meredith," Carolyn tried to sound calm, her hand on the young woman's shoulder, "sweetheart, you need to wake up…" _

"_Derek," Meredith reacted immediately at the unfamiliar touch, "what's wrong…what's happened?" _

"_It's not Derek," Carolyn responded, "it's you…"_

"_Me…" Meredith remained a bit disoriented, until she shifted to sit up and realized the reason for the look on Carolyn's face; she was lying on sheets soiled by her own hemorrhaging._

_Carolyn moved quickly to get sheets to replace those where Meredith now sat, "here, let's replace these…Meredith," she said to her again, as her daughter in law had become lost in her own world. "Meredith…we need to get you to a doctor…"_

"_No," Meredith said, "no…I'll be fine…"_

"_You," Carolyn said in a tone that left no doubt as to who was now in charge, "are not fine. Meredith," she continued, while at no time was there anything but concern in her voice, "sweetheart, since yesterday…you've been in pain…you've got to see a doctor…something can still be done," Carolyn said, leaving no options but the truth._

"_There's nothing to be done…" Meredith replied, Carolyn's look of concern and tenderness about to release a dam of emotional sobs._

"_You're pregnant," Carolyn stated, absolutely certain of the problem, "and…" _

_The conversation was interrupted by the knock on the door and his mother went quickly to answer, but first made sure Meredith sat on clean sheets._

"_Mom," Kathleen asked as Nancy looked on, "you hung up on us…this is not the time…Ma…we're all on edge…are you ok?"_

"_Kathleen," their mother softened her stance. "I'm ok…it's Meredith, she's not feelking well, she needs to see Cristina."_

"_Mom, we can help," Nancy insisted, "we are both doctors in case you've forgotten."_

"I know," Carolyn said with a slight catch in her voice, thinking how much Nancy could indeed help, but never for one second considered betraying Meredith's privacy, "she needs her friend…she'll be ok…but thank you," she smiled at them, "for your concern."

"_Mom," Kathleen insisted, "ask her…maybe she'll be…"_

"_She'll be fine," Carolyn said, "is Cristina on her way?"_

"_Yes," Kathleen answered, "she lives across the street."_

"_Ok," Carolyn said. "How's your brother?"_

"_He's still asleep," Nancy responded._

"_And Amy?"_

"_Not sure how easy it's going to be…but…she's not leaving."_

"_Thank God," Carolyn closed her eyes, "maybe…finally…"_

"_What's wrong," Cristina arrived, "you didn't specify…"_

"_Come in dear," Carolyn said, "girls, I'll join you as soon as I can."_

"_Mom," Nancy insisted, "you're sure…"_

"_Look after your brother," Carolyn said, "and if he asks about Meredith, tell him I finally convinced her to get some sleep," and closed the door firmly behind her, and turned to find Cristina talking to Meredith._

"_You're right," Meredith's soft and defeated voice said, "it can't wait…" and with that, Cristina squeezed her hand._

"_You'll stay with her," Cristina said, "until I'm back?"_

"_Yes," Carolyn nodded and again approached and sat on the edge of the small narrow bed, and reached for Meredith's hands and held them in hers, and she felt the trembling first, before heartbreaking sobs consumed her son's wife, and she reached out to hold her in her arms._

"_He didn't," Meredith tried to speak, but tears kept flowing, "he didn't…never got to tell…him…he doesn't know…"_

"_Meredith," Carolyn continued to hold the sobbing young woman in her arms, apparently uncontrollable, yet now quieter, sobs gripping and squeezing her heart, as Carolyn comfortingly moved her hand along Meredith's back , "you said he didn't know, you're pregnant…sweetheart…how far along?"_

"_I'm not…" Meredith said, her tone as weak as her body, "not anymore," and she fully allowed herself to be nurtured by his mother's loving embrace._

"_You're not," Carolyn said, "anymore," his mother attempted to control her own emotions. "This…the look we've seen in your eyes…the obvious discomfort…you were pregnant…you lost the baby…but when…this…this is not normal."_

_Meredith continued in his mother's embrace, "yes…" she whispered, "that day…"_

"_Oh…dear Lord," Carolyn only held her tighter, and then forced her to lay back again, where she remained until Cristina returned; both women quiet, as tears flowed, and it was the single tears, as they made the slow descent down Meredith's face that pulled at Carolyn's heart the most and her heart and soul fully embraced the young woman her son had chosen to spend his life with; the woman that in less than an hour she'd known was the one for him, and fulfilled her husband's wish and gave Derek her ring._

"_The day of the shooting," Carolyn wanted to make sure she'd understood correctly._

"_Yes," Meredith replied._

"_Ok," Carolyn said, "now…you try to rest…until Cristina gets here…and we get you to the doctor, but…Meredith…are you sure…you're bleeding heavily maybe…before…"_

"_I had a miscarriage," Meredith met Carolyn's gaze, "there's no doubt…"_

"_You saw a doctor?"_

"_Yes."_

"_You don't have to talk about it now," Carolyn soothed, her hand pushing Meredith's hair away from her face. "We'll have time…"_

"_Mer," Cristina was back before long. "Dr. Cameron will be here within the hour, he wants you to rest."_

"_I," Meredith paused, "need to shower…clean up." Cristina had come back with a clean set of scrubs and clothing brought earlier by Lexie, hoping not to draw to much attention, she'd said Meredith wanted to shower, and now both women helped her to get to the shower and waited until the doctor's arrival to escort her to the room that the doctor had ordered be prepared. He arrived and introduced his nurse as Mary, and explained he thought she'd prefer that confidentiality, rather than someone at Seattle Grace and asked to be left alone with his patient, but Meredith asked that both women stay._

"_Meredith," Dr. Cameron spoke, "at this point, we have no choice but to do a D & C…your bleeding is heavy enough to be borderline hemorrhaging. I'm going to need to do an ultrasound…I'm very sorry…you have to go through this now…"_

"_Thank you," Meredith said quietly, and lay back without speaking throughout the examination, one woman on either side of her; Carolyn wiping away the silent persistent tears that wouldn't stop; their frequency as slow and agonizing as the minutes that ticked by; both women holding on to one of her hands._

"_We'll give you a mild sedative," Dr. Cameron said after taking a careful look at the sonogram; Meredith never looked at the screen. "Once this is done, you're going to be groggy…you'll need to get some rest, and I mean that…I expect you will follow my instructions," he continued to tell her what to expect, and then smiled at her in a gentle caring way. "If there's any reason at all you need to speak with me, I'm leaving my personal cell number for you. Meredith, you do need to rest," he paused, and looked at the vulnerability in her face, taking an involuntary deep breath. "Barring any complications, I'll want to see you in about three weeks…no longer than four."_

"_I…I can't… Derek will be home recuperating…"_

"_She will see you in three weeks," Carolyn assured him._

"_I'll be back in a few minutes," Dr. Cameron said, "give Mary a chance to prep you."_

"_Mer," Cristina told her, "I'm going to call Owen let him know what's going on, so he can check on Derek while I'm with you."_

"_No," Meredith told her, "you go see to him…and make sure…Cristina…no one can know…Derek…can't find out like this…go…be with him…"_

"_Mer…" Cristina said, "you shouldn't be alone…you need…"_

"_I'm not," she said and squeezed Carolyn's hand gently._

"_If you're…sure…"_

"_Go…he knows Carolyn is bossy…" she gave her a small smile, one that never reached her eyes, "but…he knows me…so if you tell him…he'll believe you… if he wakes up, he'd believe it…that I agreed to sleep…if you were there…too…"_

"_Meredith," Carolyn continued to stand by her side and caressed her cheek tenderly, as the woman lay back quietly and allowed the nurse to prep her, feet in stirrups, IV started. "I know you don't want anyone to know…but…Nancy is a very good doctor…this is her specialty…if you'd like…"_

"_No," Meredith said softly, "he doesn't know…not until he knows…"_

"_Ok," Carolyn leaned down and kissed her forehead. Carolyn Shepherd remained by Meredith's side throughout the procedure and until she was discreetly wheeled to a hospital room, and remained by her side throughout the night. Cristina, kept her promise looking in on Derek, but also looked in on her and kept Carolyn company. Carolyn, had told her daughters, while Cristina settled Meredith in the room, that their brother's wife was simply exhausted and had almost fainted, and she was going to stay by her side till morning._

"_Carolyn," Meredith said groggily, "I think I may need to get up," she said and his mother helped her walk to the bathroom and back to bed._

"_How do you feel?" _

"_I'm fine…" Meredith said._

"_That's what worries Derek the most," Carolyn said, as she smoothed back the bedding, and seeing Meredith shiver got another blanket and tucked her in as she'd done hundreds of times throughout her life. "He told me, whenever he hears you say that…and know you don't want to worry an old woman."_

_Meredith met Carolyn's gaze, allowed her emotions to dictate, unable to hide them, needing to acknowledge the depth of her sadness. "Derek…would have been so happy…Carolyn…he'd have loved…the …the baby…and now…"_

"_Now," Carolyn spoke softly to her, "you have to think of getting some rest…and the two of you will talk about this, and share this together…and then…there will be other babies…Meredith…I know this doesn't comfort you now, but…Doctor Cameron said you were about five weeks along and that it's not uncommon for this to happen, sweetheart and you're young," she said a silent prayer that she'd misinterpreted the concern in the doctor's eyes as he looked at the sonogram, as the keen and experienced navy nursed looked on. "There will be other babies…you'll give me other grandbabies." _

"_Number fifteen," Meredith said absently._

"_It will happen," Carolyn told her, "and next time…" _

"_What if…" Meredith interrupted her, voicing the fears of her nightmare that first night, "what if we don't….and Derek blames me…I should have told him, in his office… as soon as I found out, not waited till that night…he'd have wanted to celebrate…no matter how busy he was…and now…he never got the chance..."_

"_Shush…Meredith…he's not going to blame you…sweetheart…you were going to tell him later that night…"_

"_I wanted to make it special," Meredith continued, needing desperately to share this with someone, this one special someone who loved him unconditionally; uncharacteristically open about her feelings with this woman she'd just met, but that had shown her more tenderness and affection than Ellis had during her entire life._

"_He'll understand," Carolyn told her, holding her hand, "my son loves you, you are what matters most to him…he won't blame you…I'd say, he's more likely to blame himself for not having realized what was going on," Carolyn said sagely._

"_He couldn't have known," Meredith said, "we'd decided to wait…and I just found out…that morning…but…I should have stayed in the scrub room…maybe that would have helped…Cristina asked me not to…and I did…but that…that monster was there…and had to and then…" she became so upset, Carolyn refused to let her continue to talk, and reassured her, none of those of things would happen, that she was not to blame, and spent the night wondering exactly what else had taken place in the OR where her son had laid, his life on the line, while a third year resident worked to save him. _

"_I feel," Meredith said, long after Carolyn thought she'd fallen asleep, yet had remained by her side, pulling the recliner close to the bed, "empty…and heartbroken…and…I need him…I need Derek so much," and his mother once again held the vulnerable fragile woman in her arms as she cried herself to sleep._

_End Flashback._

"Remember," Carolyn whispered in Meredith's ear, "just a few minutes…or I will take you home."

Meredith's answer was a simple nod of her head, as she felt the full effect of Carolyn's emotional strength in the gentle supporting touch of her hand on her waist, and allowed to be guided to the side of his bed.

"Hey," Derek smiled and she reached for his hand, "thought you forgot about me…"

"I…" Meredith became a bit agitated, "why…I …it's…it's your mother's fault," she said, "she forced me…she did…to sleep…"

"Meredith," he frowned, "just teasing…Cristina told me."

"Oh…" she sighed deeply, still not meeting his gaze, "ok…"

"Still tired," his hand held hers, rubbing his thumb over her, yet she wasn't reacting.

"A little," she said; Carolyn still close by her side.

"Uhmmm…" was his response.

"Did you sleep well? You shouldn't talk too much…" Meredith told him, and needing to feel close to him, kissed him softly. "You can squeeze my hand."

"Mom," Derek said, "wake Amy…I'd like some time alone with Meredith."

"Derek," Carolyn said, "you can talk to her all you want…after she's had breakfast."

"Amy," Derek looked at his mother, "said you took Meredith to eat already…"

"That was last night," Carolyn smiled at him, "you both got some needed sleep and now she needs to eat breakfast."

"She can eat breakfast with me," Derek told his mother.

"It's ok," Meredith reassured Carolyn, "I'll have breakfast with Derek," she said, and felt a gentle hand on her shoulder, "besides…you're older than me…" she wanted to lift the sudden oppressive seriousness in the room, "and…"

"Do you realize," Carolyn moved a chair close to Meredith, forcing her to sit down, "that's about the third time you've called me old?"

"Well…you lied …" Meredith said, and Derek looked from one woman to the other, "when you first forced me to get some sleep…"

"A mother's prerogative," Carolyn shrugged, "to get her children to obey…"

Derek's heart warmed as he heard the exchange between the two most important women in his life, but something was still off with his wife, and he was determined to find out what it was, and he was losing a bit of patience.

"Ma…" Derek reminded her, as he held on to Meredith's hand. "Wake Amy…and go have breakfast."

"You didn't fight…" Carolyn said, and he smiled back at her.

"No," he said. "We're beginning to understand…each other…"

"Oh…" Carolyn took a deep breath, "you are…"

"We are Mom…" he assured her. "We'll figure it out…"

"Thank God," Carolyn said softly and leaned in to kiss his cheek, and met his gaze; mother and son equally sentimental, "you have no idea…"

"I do…Ma…I do," he said; words unnecessary to express the long buried emotions.

Carolyn indeed woke her daughter, and after the expected conversation, they would leave them to their privacy, one Meredith would have loved to avoid.

"Derek," Amy turned to him, "I'll see you later…"

"Yes," he replied, his reaffirmation he did not want her to leave. "Take care of Ma."

"Meredith," Carolyn said before leaving, "they've left a wheelchair for Derek in the other room…I'm sure they're going to be getting him up and about soon," she said and kissed both of her children goodbye. "I'll be back, and I expect that both of you will have had some breakfast, and you," she said to Meredith, "learn from Amy's lesson, it's going to take a while to get rid of that pain on her neck…falling asleep in that position, who in the world does that…and a doctor to boot… use the recliner."

"She's very bossy," Meredith said.

"Look at me," he asked her, "you've avoided looking at me since you got here."

"You're looking for compliments?" She attempted to joke and smiled, "that you're…"

"Not joking," Derek brought her hand to his lips, "tell me…what's wrong," and her eyes watered immediately.

"Stop worrying," she met his eyes briefly, "it's just been lots of emotions."

"Meredith," he said softly, "one look in your eyes is all it takes…and you're keeping something from me," he had to stop, as the need to cough and his desire to suppress it became unbearable.

Meredith got up, helped him through the painful process, and then he lay back on the bed, exhausted. "You have to stop talking so much," she smoothed his hair back, "please…for me…let me take care of you…worry about you…I need to…"

"Worried," he said, as he continuously told her he loved her, the slow gentle loving touch on her hand, "about you…"

"I'm exhausted," she admitted to him, "these last couple of days…but…don't worry…I'm taking care of myself…your Mom's forcing me…"

"Meredith," his gazed was locked on hers, turning away not an option, "if you're not ok…nothing matters…"

"We're both going to be ok," she told him, "don't doubt it for one second…"

"You know I love you," he whispered, as his eyes began to close, her hand firmly in his.

"I love you too," she said, and leaned in to kiss him, "and you…" she pressed her lips to his again, "promised me a lifetime…"

"You too…" he said, "our vows…forever…"

"Forever," she agreed, and stood by his side until he fell asleep, and then made her way to the recliner where she turned away from him, in case he woke, and the tears continued to flow, the physical pain of the definitive medical procedure but a dot on a canvas, compared to the unexpected emotional void created by the loss of the baby he knew nothing about.

_End of Chapter - A/N follows_

_A/N -1/24/11- It is beyond comprehensible to me, how two doctors who happened to be husband and wife are told she has two conditions that could feasibly result in infertility, yet are treatable would choose to forgo any medical treatment, and as Derek said, in that …oh so adorable scene everyone raved about that lasted all but ninety seconds, decide just to live._

_Well, that may be all well and fine if you're caught up in the cuteness of it all, after all, we, MD fans seem to take whatever scraps are thrown are way, but, if we really look at the depth, or rather lack of depth thus far in the miscarriage storyline, the way it has been treated is an insult to our intelligence. _

_I have no knowledge of medical facts regarding miscarriages, but one would hope Shondaland staff at the very least do some research that makes sense, and according to the American Pregnancy Association, which, I'd trust for accuracy over Grey's Anatomy medial facts, any day, Meredith's five week pregnancy should not have needed a D& C, but in case of hemorrhaging it would have been required. Likewise, one would expect, at the time she had the procedure, if they'd done a sonogram they would have detected the fibroids. _

_I hoped that the way this story unfolds deals a bit more realistically with the miscarriage, one that Patrick Dempsey thought would be devastating to Derek, and thus far, has been treated as casually as the loss of a book; and has Dr. Shepherd acting as a moron, for not having the common sense to look into possible medical procedures available, rather than risk his wife getting pregnant again, and as the specialist on Grey's told him, likely miscarry. Yes, I'm disappointed tremendously at the way this story has been mishandled. _

_As I wrote this chapter, I kept thinking, how is it possible that writers forget what Derek said in season one, yet put us through the excruciating stupidity of other horrible "full circle brilliant Rhimes moments. He said, if he were hurt his family would be there! Instead, Rhimes has him wake up to April! And, if April can know about Meredith's condition and visiting a specialist, it's my opinion Carolyn Shepherd is a far more trustworthy, and character deserving of being there to support her family; as Meredith deserves for once, to be given emotional support from a motherly figure._


	14. Chapter 14

_A/N 3/21/11 – It's the first day of spring! Thanks so much to each of you that has continued to express an interest in this story, in spite of the time it has taken me to update. Though I've said it before, you cannot begin to imagine how very humbling and inspiring it is to know there are some you still interested in reading._

_Obliterated Hopes was never intended to be about the medical aspect of the shooting's aftermath. Hence, you see some references, but not very detailed because I do not have the expertise or knowledge. It's always been a story about the emotions that Meredith and Derek experienced, and we'd hoped to be shown, as a result of the shooting and her miscarriage. _

_First part in grey italics included from last chapter, since it's been a while._

_Thank you again for your patience and your interest, warm regards, Jasmin_

_**Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 14 – Families **_

"Look at me," he asked her, "you've avoided looking at me since you got here."

"You're looking for compliments?" She attempted to joke and smiled, "that you're…"

"Not joking," Derek brought her hand to his lips, "tell me…what's wrong," and her eyes watered immediately.

"Stop worrying," she met his eyes briefly, "it's just been lots of emotions."

"Meredith," he said softly, "one look in your eyes is all it takes…and you're keeping something from me," he had to stop, as the need to cough and his desire to suppress it became unbearable.

Meredith got up, helped him through the painful process, and then he lay back on the bed, exhausted. "You have to stop talking so much," she smoothed his hair back, "please…for me…let me take care of you…worry about you…I need to…"

"Worried," he said, as he continuously told her he loved her, the slow gentle loving touch on her hand, "about you…"

"I'm exhausted," she admitted to him, "these last couple of days…but…don't worry…I'm taking care of myself…your Mom's forcing me…"

"Meredith," his gazed was locked on hers, turning away not an option, "if you're not ok…nothing matters…"

"We're both going to be ok," she told him, "don't doubt it for one second…"

"You know I love you," he whispered, as his eyes began to close, her hand firmly in his.

"I love you too," she said, and leaned in to kiss him, "and you…" she pressed her lips to his again, "promised me a lifetime…"

"You too," he said, "our vows…forever…"

"Forever," she agreed, and stood by his side until he fell asleep, and then made her way to the recliner where she turned away from him, in case he woke, and the tears continued to flow, the physical pain of the definitive medical procedure but a dot on a canvas, compared to the unexpected emotional void created by the loss of the baby he knew nothing about.

Flowers began to arrive, almost immediately after he was transferred to his own room, signaling some semblance of normalcy; normalcy that was anything but, as the Board, several department heads and groups of nurses and doctors had expressed their well wishes for the chief of surgery's speedy recovery.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how one judged Meredith's emotional vulnerability, the extended Shepherd family stay provided for the long ago perfected practice of avoidance.

Carolyn entered the room quietly, first walking over to Derek and gently kissing his forehead. "I love you…and you're going to be just fine," she whispered and made sure the blankets covered him without interfering with any medical equipment. "I know all our prayers are going to be answered…and Dad's watching over you."

Derek remained quiet, eyes closed while Carolyn hovered over him, then watched, unobserved, as his mother walked over to Meredith, reached for another blanket and also hovered over her, a gentle kiss to her forehead made his eyes water, and a soft gasp escaped him, making Carolyn turn quickly toward him.

"You're awake," his mother spoke quietly. "I've sent the girls to the hotel. Told them they are not to come back till tonight."

"Ma," Derek spoke just as quietly, not wanting to disturb Meredith's sleep. "What's going on?"

Carolyn knew exactly what he meant. "What do you mean?"

"Meredith," he said simply.

"She's asleep sweetheart," she answered the obvious.

"Don't do that…I'm worried about her."

"Derek, the girl is exhausted emotionally…and it's bound to catch up with her physically."

"That's not it," he shook his head, "something's wrong. Her eyes…" he paused. "Don't lie."

"She's worried about you and she's gone through hell since that day…"

"Mom," Derek reached to grab her hand, "she's my life."

"She feels the same way," Carolyn smiled at him.

"She said that?" Derek said, keeping talking to as little as possible, attempting to avoid another coughing attack, though he knew more were inevitable.

"She doesn't need to say it," his mother smiled at him again, "every look, every action speaks volumes. Your sisters have seen that."

"Amy…"

"She's very close to Addison, you know that. But, I've had a long talk with her. She admitted even Addison told her what the two of you had together during your marriage, was nothing compared to what you feel form Meredith."

"Like you," he paused, his emotions overwhelming as he spoke of the past, "and Dad…"

Carolyn Shepherd pursed her lips, much as she'd done the day she took off her engagement ring, and simply nodded.

"I'm sorry," Derek said. "So sorry…"

"Sweetheart," Carolyn soothed, neither mother nor son aware Meredith had awakened. "I've had all of you, and that's a reminder, even if I don't see all of you every day, that Dad's always with me.

"Not that," Derek shook his head, "let you down…Ma…so ashamed…"

"Derek Christopher," Carolyn's voice rose, "stop that right this minute…"

"Your ring," he pursed his lips just as his mother did, "so ashamed," she saw the moisture in his eyes, "Mer…she didn't know...think she doesn't wear it because…"

"Hey," Meredith anticipating what he would say quickly got up, ignoring the expected physical discomforts and was immediately at his side. "You're awake," she smiled, holding his hand.

"Mer," he locked gazes with her, "I'm sorry…so sorry…"

"What's all this sorry about," Meredith tried to lighten the mood, "you promised no more brooding."

"Need to tell Ma…" and Meredith undoubtedly knew he was referring to the forgiven, but not forgotten bat and ring incident, and that some explanation would have to be provided.

"Carolyn," Meredith said, her eyes never leaving his. "Derek has a way of brooding about things…and he knows how bad I am with families…you remember, I told you I was not the girl mom's like…"

"Mer…" he tried to interrupt.

"Stop talking so much," Meredith told him.

"Meredith," Carolyn said, "is obviously right. Stop talking so much and no more brooding."

Mark's soft knock before he walked in interrupted the conversation, which made Meredith eternally grateful.

"Shep," Mark approached is lifelong friend, "you look like shit."

"Ass," Derek frowned before he felt Mark's hand on his shoulder, the momentary physical contact needed by both men who'd overcome months of estrangement; ties that bind and genuine affection for the other having bridged the most always unforgivable betrayal.

"Hey," Mark's joked, his only way of dealing with the reality of the fragility of Derek's life, still looming over his emotions. "I was always the better looking one; even Hahn said I was prettier."

"Who's Hahn?" Carolyn asked.

"Long story," Meredith told her, "and Mark shouldn't brag too much about that," she raised an eyebrow and smirked as she looked at Mark.

"Grey," Mark said, "it's not like I have lot of secrets from Mrs. Shepherd. She can always tell."

"Ok," Carolyn said, correctly judging it was best to turn the conversation into a much lighter mood than the earlier subject "what's this about, someone said you were prettier than Derek and you're bragging…when he's recuperating…"

"No," Mark felt like a chastised ten year old.

"Mer," Derek said, "tell her about Hahn…"

"Well…I…it's …ah…I mean…"

"She means," Mark said, "I was sure she had the hots for me. She turned out to be a lesbian."

"I see," Carolyn responded. "I'm sure that had nothing to do with you."

"Hell no," Mark said. "Never slept with her."

"Mom," Derek shook his head and there was just a hint of a smile, "his ego believes," the need to cough interrupting him and aggravating him, and Mark helped him through the incident.

"Meredith is right Derek," Carolyn said. "You need to stop talking. Meredith dear, I see there was no tray for breakfast here, did the two of you eat?"

"No," Derek said.

"Well then," Carolyn took charge, certain her daughter in law had never left his side. "Meredith, it's time you did…Mark and I will be here with Derek…you go and take a little rest and eat."

"I've been resting," Meredith complained.

"That's good dear," Carolyn said and met her gaze, "now you go eat."

"Derek has not eaten either."

"It's ok, no food…" Derek said.

Carolyn put her arm around her, "leave him to me; I'll make sure he gets something."

"I won't be long," Meredith agreed surprising Derek and he frowned at what seemed to be some type of code between his mother and his wife. "Listen to your Mom, please."

Derek agreed, closing his eyes as her lips brushed his, then watched her walk away, all three remaining in silence.

"Mom," Derek spoke, deep exhaustion reflected in his voice. "You…Mark…anything happens to me… look after her…"

"Nothing is going to happen to you," Carolyn stated vehemently.

"Things," Derek said, "go wrong…"

"Shep," Mark said, "stop with the negative. You're doing great and they're going to be coming in here and getting your ass out of bed pretty soon."

"Mark…" Derek paused, "we both know…things can change …"

"Nothing," Carolyn said again, "is going to happen to you. You promised that girl a lifetime, and I'm going to hold you to it…just like she is."

"Mer," Derek said, quite shocked, "told you that…"

"She did," his mother replied, offering no further explanation.

"Mom…" he said again, "please…I hope to be ok…but… if…"

"Derek," Mark interrupted him, "stop with this bull shit."

"It's not…" Derek said, "need to know…take care of her…"

"Fine," Mark said, "I'll fucking take care of her, marry her and …"

"Ass," Derek said just as his mother reached over and smacked Mark on the back of his head.

"See," Mark told him, "Mrs. Shepherd, he's the one always getting me in to trouble."

Carolyn Shepherd chuckled, "you're both behaving like children."

"Mom…Mer…" Derek insisted, though the effort of talking was accompanied by immense discomfort and pain.

"Derek, I'm going to look after her…no matter what…that girl needs some mothering."

"Yes," Derek sighed and reached for his mother's hand. "Thank you."

"Dr. Shepherd," a nurse walked in, "Dr. Altman and Dr. Yang will be here shortly to get you out of bed…and monitor your …"

"No," Derek said, "exhausted."

"That's the way we expect you to feel at this stage of your post-op recovery," the nurse told him," but you know it's essential."

"Shep," Mark said, "I'll be here. I'll help."

"Can't help," Derek said just as the involuntary need to cough became unbearable, Mark offering physical support while Carolyn prayed for her son's quick and full recovery.

Meredith returned almost an hour later, she'd forced herself to eat something, and then unexpectedly and unpreventable, she felt the sobs lodged in her throat, making it impossible to breathe as she locked herself in an on-call room and gave in to the heartache and emptiness of losing a baby she'd known nothing about; but had made her feel inexplicable joy for a handful of hours, and now desperately needed to know Derek would not blame or be disappointed in her; just as her recent nightmare had vividly portrayed.

"What's wrong," Meredith asked the moment she walked in Derek's room. Teddy and Cristina by Derek's side, checking his vitals and reviewing his chart; the paleness of his skin and the absolute exhaustion etched on his features a growing concern, "what's happened? Why wasn't I paged?"

"Meredith," Carolyn placed a supportive arm around her, "nothing's wrong."

"Cristina…Dr. Altman…" Meredith looked to them.

"Mer," Cristina added, "we just got him back in bed, we had him up and walking, he did well."

"He was up," Meredith repeated, "why didn't you call me…I should have been here."

"He didn't want us to," Altman answered. "I agreed he needed to do this on his own."

"Mer," Cristina told her, "he didn't let anyone stay, except Mark wouldn't leave."

Derek forced his eyes open and with every ounce of energy he could muster, rasped, "Mer…"

"It's ok," she said, holding his hand, "don't talk…they forced quite a workout on you…"

Derek looked in her eyes and again saw the ever present sadness, so different than the last time he'd seen her, before all hell had broken lose and their life was turned upside down; she'd been happy that morning…but since…sadness was reflected in her eyes. Unable to muster any more energy, all he could do was to caress the top of her hand, until his body forced his eyes shut.

"I love you too," Meredith smiled at him, "you rest now."

Altman filled her in on what had taken place, that she expected his full recovery and that her goal was to get him out of the hospital as quickly as possible and recuperate at home; maybe even a day or two earlier than normal given he'd have more than adequate medical care.

"He didn't want me here either," Carolyn whispered to her once they were alone. "It's got to do with all that ridiculous male pride," she smiled at Meredith.

Meredith didn't respond, and Carolyn true to her word was on full mothering mode as she gently pushed her to the nearby recliner. "Did you eat? You have to get nourishment you know."

"I did…" Meredith told her. "How did he do? You were here when he got back."

"I came in the room once he was settled, Mark came to get me. When I left, I looked for you in the cafeteria."

"I…wasn't there long… and then," she laid her head back against the recliner and met his mother's gaze, "everything just hit me …you know…yesterday…and…" her eyes watered, and Carolyn reached to hold both hands in hers.

"I know," Carolyn told her, "sweetheart, I'm here…if you need me."

"I didn't know it was going to happen," Meredith told her, "all of a sudden…I...all I could do was cry…"

Carolyn spoke very quietly, "it will take a while for all those hormones to get back to normal. I can't promise you won't always feel a sense of loss…but, it will get better."

"You think I'm silly… crying over a five week old embryo…"

"I think you're a sensitive, loving woman…who wishes things could have been different and had been able to share the joy of her news with her husband…and there's nothing silly about crying over a baby that would have been my fifteenth grandchild…"

"I do," Meredith whispered, "wish it had been different…"

"I know," Carolyn said as she embraced her, and Meredith once more gave in to the comfort of a mother's gentle loving arms.

Derek slept for the next several hours; Meredith the only one in the room when he woke. Cristina had been in to check on her and brought her a late lunch, and they'd spent some time in the adjoining sitting area catching up on Alex and Lexie and the rest of the injured at the hospital.

Meredith was at his side the moment she saw the slightest shift in movement. "Hey…" she said softly, and when he opened his eyes, leaned in to press her lips to his.

"Time…" his voice low and hoarse.

Meredith poured water into the disposable cup and placed a straw to make it easier for him. "It's almost five. You've been sleeping a while."

"So tired…hurt …everywhere…"

"I can ask for a pain killer now…"

"No…need you…"

"I'm right here."

"Mer…" he said, after taking a few sips of water, and pausing as he spoke. "Please…tell me…what's wrong…"

"Nothing…just tired…even when I sleep…"

"Earlier…you'd been crying…" he said, not forgetting the look in her eyes before he fell asleep.

"I'm ok."

"Are you?"

"We'll be fine…" she answered upon his lips. "You promised."

"No joking."

"You didn't want me here…" she changed the subject.

"I always want you…"

"But…Altman…she said…"

"Yes…weak…pathetic…didn't want you to see me like that…"

"I need to be here for you… please," she said, and gently pushed his hair back from his forehead, then ran her fingers through his hair.

"Not ruin image…" he smiled.

"You're worried about your image…" she went along with the teasing, better to get away from what she would eventually have to tell him. He knew her, intimately in every possible way, something she'd never expected in her life, except he'd managed to get through impenetrable walls long ago erected to protect herself from further emotional pain; pain resulting from both parents different forms of abandonment.

"Uhmmm…" he smiled again. "Didn't want you…seeing Mcweak…"

"Oh, Derek…" she laughed softly, the first genuine laugh between them, "you'll always be McDreamy to me…"

"Even when I'm an ass…"

Meredith took a few broken breaths, he was going to be ok, and the tears gathered involuntarily. "Oh…Derek… I love you… so much," she said as she gently cupped his face and leaned in to kiss him.

"I adore you…Meredith…don't forget it…ever…"

"I won't…" she said as they both shared a deeply emotional moment.

"I'll be back…" Cristina interrupted them, "wait for the mcdreamied moment to end."

Derek chuckled, bringing on a bout of coughing that for Meredith, was as hard to watch as it was for Derek to experience.

"You did that on purpose." Derek told Cristina after he'd calmed down..

"No," she told him. "But, coughing is good for you, part of the healing process."

"She's going to be mean…" Derek held Meredith's hand.

"I'm not mean." Cristina said as she checked his vitals and made notes on the chart.

"Uhmmm…" Derek mumbled.

"I saved your life."

"Wondered," Derek paused in between deep breaths, "when you'd mention that…"

"Listen," Cristina said, "you don't have to be brave here, if you need pain medication, ask for it."

"It's ok."

"Right," Cristina told him, "that's why…"

"I'll ask," Derek interrupted her.

"You've already made her all soft and feely… she's not going anywhere if you show any signs of weakness." Cristina looked at her friend. "She seems to love you anyway."

"So…not holding it over my head…that I owe you my life," Derek said.

"Only when you screw with Mer," Cristina paused realizing what she'd said. "Wait you do that all the time…I meant only when you screw up."

Meredith and Derek both smiled.

"Cristina," Derek said, the obvious change in his tone making her meet his gaze. "Thank you for saving my life."

Cristina nodded, but when he reached for her hand, she too became emotional and took a while before she could speak. "I had to try," she said before releasing his hand.

"Did much more than that," he said, without even fully knowing what had transpired during her desperate attempts to save his life. "I will always be grateful."

"I know Mer says I have a room," Cristina replied, attempting to regain her emotional composure; one she was not often prone to losing. "In your house in the woods, but does that mean I can be as messy as I want…and I get to pick out my furniture?"

Derek shook his head and smiled, laughing was not an option if he wanted to avoid another coughing attack. "You saved my life. Made it possible to keep my promise to Mer…you can do whatever you want."

"Ok," Cristina smiled; a genuine heartfelt smile. "By the way," she said before she left the room, "stop with the mcdreamy moments, it's gonna be a while before you can act on it."

"Thanks for that reminder," Derek told her.

"All that matters," Meredith told him, "is that you are well soon… the rest…"

"Speak for yourself…" he smiled, "it's high on the list of priorities…"

She laughed softly, "one step at a time…"

"Can't let Mr. Incredible fail you…" he teased, they'd long ago laughed about Cristina's comment, their relationship had weather many storms, and now had reached such a level of intimacy that every night or morning, depending on when they had more time to lay in bed, they would share just about everything that had transpired in their day, including things from the past that had gotten them to where they were now; a secure, loving and committed relationship.

"Haven't failed yet," Meredith raised an eyebrow suggestively, "don't expect he will either…when the time is…" she was interrupted by the gentle pull from him to bring her lips to meet his, and for the first time since his surgery, they shared a kiss that spoke of promises of forever between two souls destined to be together for a lifetime.

They spent the rest of the time alone together, though it would not be long before the Shepherd clan arrived, Meredith doing much of the talking; simply enjoying the miracle it truly was that he'd survived and heartfelt prayers from those that loved him most had indeed been answered.

"Mer," Derek said when he heard the commotion outside his door, "later…easier to talk…tell you about Amy," and she reassured him she knew he loved her, that Amy's words had not affected her, a tiny white lie, as she'd momentarily allowed old doubts to surface.

That evening would set the course of the following days, as his sisters and mother took turns spending time with him, never leaving him alone, though at times, they'd simply wait in the adjoining sitting area allowing him and Meredith the privacy they craved. Neither Meredith nor Carolyn would budge about spending the night by his side the first few days. However, this particular night, Carolyn insisted, and won the argument, after failing to convince her to go home, that Meredith would sleep in an on call room and get the proper rest she needed.

The days ahead would follow an expected pattern for patients that had undergone procedures as his; frustrating and angering Derek at times as the most basic imaginable tasks – walking, coughing, as the spirometer became the most hated instrument, breathing and navigating bathroom visits often felt like he was climbing Mt. Everest.

Kathleen was the first to knock softly on the door; the small window had provided a glimpse that he was awake; Meredith sat by his bed, the railing lowered, their hands entwined.

"Are you up to a visit?" Kathleen asked.

"You mean," Derek said, "the onslaught…"

"That is not," Kathleen said, "very nice…"

"He's kidding Kathleen," Meredith said quickly, "he may not admit it to you, but he's happy you're here. Come on in."

Carolyn was the first to walk to his bedside and kiss his forehead. "You're looking much better than when I left."

"Mom, I'd almost passed out when you left…"

"Your point?" His mother asked.

"Nothing," he said, feeling like a ten year old being reprimanded, as the room was filled with the five forceful Shepherd women.

"Mom's right," Nancy said, "you're looking a hell of a lot better than last time we saw you."

Meredith never left his side, always attentive to the monitors, and the familial bonds that were impossible to deny.

"Kat," Derek said quietly, "Meredith was right…about you being here."

"There was never any doubt in my mind," his sister told him, and gently squeezed his hand.

"You know," Amy said, "we're all doctors... we know we should try to avoid infections and germs are transmitted too easily…so we shouldn't have so much touching…"

"Amy," Derek said, skipping words here and there, trying to keep talking to a minimum, "all washed hands when you came in, see you do it every time…be my sister…not the doctor…"

"That was me," Amy said, "being the sister…"

"Come here," he said, and when she was close to enough to him, he reached for her hand; the other still firmly in Meredith's. "I'm alive… my family is here…my very bossy family …no germs would dare to enter," making them all laugh, but Carolyn and Meredith also exchanged smiles; the brother and sister were on their way to healing their estrangement.

"You are right about that," Amy said and years of resentment began to erode as she leaned in and kissed his cheek.

"We're not staying too long," Nancy told him, "we're taking Mom with us to have dinner and hope to can convince Meredith to join us…"

"I think," Carolyn intervened, unaware Nancy was going to propose Meredith join them, "you're going to have a very hard time convincing her…and I'm not going to push tonight…since Meredith's going to be joining us for meals many times while we're here."

"Derek," Maggie said, "I spoke to the boys a little while ago," she spoke of her sons, "and they're badgering to come see you, they want to see for themselves that you're ok…"

"Maybe," Derek said, "they can come… take them fishing."

"Ok," Kathleen said, "you cannot have Maggie's boys out here…"

"Why not?" Derek asked.

"Because it will cause major chaos with the rest of our children…and the incessant complaints that you're playing favorites," Kathleen told him.

"Maybe," Meredith said, leaving Derek shocked, "we can visit in a few months…Derek can see them all…I mean…it's been a while…and it's probably harder for all of them to visit…when our house is built they can…but now…we don't…"

Amy laughed, "you were right," she turned to her brother, "she rambles…"

"You told her I ramble," Meredith said to him, "of all the things…"

"You do," he said. "One of many things … told her I love about you."

"Oh…" Meredith said, "what else did you say?"

"Now," he teased her, "you're fishing for compliments."

"Learned from the best," she teased back, and his sisters further understood the deep love and affection between them. It was also an opportunity for them to tease him about so many childhood things, until he began to tire and could hardly keep his eyes open.

"Derek," Maggie said softly, "we're going to go now…so you can rest."

"No," he said, trying to remain alert and awake, "want you here…"

"You're going to be sick of us before we leave," Maggie told him, "but, you've been out of surgery less than seventy two hours, you need to rest."

"Sweetheart," Carolyn dismissed any idea of the sisters staying longer, "I'll be back in a few hours to keep Meredith company tonight."

"Mom," he said, "stay at hotel tonight…"

"Derek," Nancy said, "don't fight a losing battle…at least she got a little rest there this afternoon. She won't rest if she's not here tonight…she'd made it clear."

"Meredith," Kathleen asked after she named the restaurant they were going to, "what can we bring back for you?"

"I'll get something here…" Meredith told her.

"No you won't," Carolyn said, "you need a better meal. We'll call you and tell you what's on the menu when we get there."

"Listen to Mom," Derek told Meredith before his eyes shut, no longer able to stay awake.

"Carolyn," Meredith whispered to her before they left, "thank you."

"For what?"

"Everything…" she said simply, "being here…he needed you…"

"I'm hoping," Carolyn told her, "you needed me too."

Meredith took a deep breath…and another slightly broken one, feeling that she was not dealing with all these emotions very well, and simply nodded as she wiped away a few stray tears.

Taking her seat beside him, she too drifted to sleep until they came to deliver his evening meal.

"Derek," she said softly, "I know you want to sleep…but they've brought your dinner…you need to eat…"

"Sleep," he murmured, and she continued to talk to him until he opened his eyes.

"You can go right back to sleep, but you need to eat something…you need your strength to keep up with the workout they're going to put you through the next few days."

"Torture," was all he said.

"I know," her eyes watered, thinking of all he'd gone through; knowing what was still to come in the long recuperation period ahead of him.

"Hey," he reacted immediately when he looked at the glittering blue eyes. "It's ok…no tears."

"You shouldn't be going through this," she told him. "Not fair…"

"I'm ok…promise…will be ok…" and he spent a few minutes making sure she believed him.

"They have you on a very bland diet," she told him as she looked at the very unappetizing food on the tray before him. "But you like soups…and bet this is good…" she lied.

"Crap food," he said.

"Probably," she agreed with him, "but you still have to eat it."

He picked up the spoon, but seeing how tired he was, Meredith took it from him, and after much protest he agreed to let her feed him when she reminded him he too had helped her during her hospital stay.

"Mer," he said, "no more…"

"One more spoonful…jello's good for you…"

He raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Of course," she told him, "if it was bad the hospital wouldn't serve it," and they both shared a laugh over the ridiculousness of her statement and the truth about horrible hospital food.

"Mer…you told Maggie we'd visit, but, know how you feel about families. We don't have to…"

"I don't have to go, but you do. They love you Derek, it's been too long since you've seen your nieces and nephews…I know you want to see them…it's one of the first things you shared with me about you…your Mom, your four sisters…nine nieces…five nephews…"

"You're my family…"

"Yes…but...I've seen how special it all is…the bonds between you…I don't want to keep you from that…families being together at moments like this…I understand it much better now."

"Haven't overwhelmed you yet…"

"Not yet," she said, and smiled at him.

"They will."

"I'm sure of it," she chuckled softly. "They're all very bossy…"

"I like some bossy women…" he teased her.

"I know," she smiled.

"I love you," he said, needing to tell her before he could no longer keep his eyes open.

"I love you too," she said, "sleep now…"

"You fit in…" he said as his eyes drooped, "well…"

Meredith monitored his vitals, smoothed the blankets over him, kissed his forehead and then went to lay back on the recliner. She fought the urge to fall asleep; waking hours were much better than facing the possibility of another nightmare; nightmares where voices refused to be silent and showed her a glimpse of a future without Derek; a future where Derek chose to walk away, no longer caring or wanting a lifetime together.

_A/N – Don't kill me for that last paragraph, it is a description of her nightmares, her fears; it is NOT a reflection of where this story is going. If you remember, I mentioned in a couple of previous chapters that her "dreams/nightmares" would have a role in this story, just as they did in SD. But, they are only a catalyst, it is not how Derek feels. Their commitment to each other, their love for one another is solid; but her nightmares are relevant in that Derek doesn't know about the miscarriage and the recurring nightmares bring unfounded fears for a very brief moment._

_This chapter I had intended to end with Derek finding out about the miscarriage, but as I began to write felt that there had to be a little more of the Shepherd family relationship, and I wanted to give Meredith something she's never had (yes, Carolyn Shepherd is very similar in all my stories), the genuine affection of a mother and eventually…a relationship with his family. _

_Hope you are not too disappointed with the direction, it's just a small detour to be resolved in the next chapter which I will do all I can to post by next Monday. Thanks for reading, would love to hear your thoughts. Warm regards, Jasmin_


	15. Chapter 15

_A/N 4/26/11 – Thanks to each of you that commented and for your patience and interest in continuing to read this vision of post season six events. Still boggles my mind that none of Derek's family were there. As mentioned before, if you've read my other stories, this is surely about the love and commitment to between Meredith and Derek. By the end of this chapter, you'll recognize what element(s) from Shattered Dreams I've chosen to incorporate._

_The "unexpected" encounter in the last paragraph was always intended to happen, I just had to write my way to it...as written in a previous chapter "Unbeknownst..."_

_This chapter was meant to end with Meredith's revelation to Derek about the miscarriage. But it's been so long since I've posted, and now chaotically busy at work, went ahead and stopped where I did…with every intention to write & post next chapter during the following ten days. I've a trip to D.C. next week, so airport lounges & flying times are great to get writing done. _

_Please let me know your thoughts about how this story is unfolding; expect to complete it before Grey's Season Finale. Warmest regards, Jasmin_

_**Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 15 – Unexpected…actions, reactions & encounters… **_

_Meredith monitored his vitals, smoothed the blankets over him, kissed his forehead and then went to lay back on the recliner. She fought the urge to fall asleep; waking hours were much better than facing the possibility of another nightmare; nightmares where voices refused to be silent and showed her a glimpse of a future without Derek; a future where Derek chose to walk away, no longer caring or wanting a lifetime together._

Meredith managed to remain awake until his family returned; the recurrence of nightmares best kept at bay. Her nightmares, in the past, had been indicative of deep fears and unresolved emotions; Ellis' hauntingly absent presence in dreams where Meredith repeatedly stalked hospital corridors until she'd wake up after staring at herself inside a cold depository. They'd ended when she finally decided to let her mother rest in peace, away from her closet and somewhat appropriately, a surgical legend, washed away by the stream of water from the scrub room that had witnessed her greatness. There had been others, but none more grippingly terrorizing as the one where she'd stood through the glass window, and to no avail Derek's time of death had been called by Bailey. Irrationally, she was beginning to believe that dream had foretold what was to come, the proof of which was Derek lying next to her with monitors strapped to his body. Irrationally, the fact he was alive was not enough to counter the effects of her most recent nightmares; nightmares that uncovered her deepest fear; the fear of losing Derek.

"Meredith," Derek said hoarsely, snapping her out of the darkness of her thoughts.

"Hey," she smiled as soon as she reached his side, and recognizing the questioning gaze, immediately joked. "You know…you were worried about not being Mcdreamy…I'm worried about my non-chatty husband."

"Sorry…talking…cough…hate it…" he told her.

"I know," she said and leaned in to kiss his lips. "Just teasing you…don't get all dark & twisty on me…please," she said. "I can see it in your eyes."

"Me too," he told her, and in spite of his physical weakness, willed himself to pull her to him; his hand cradling the back of her head, his lips on hers and kissed her gently and then slightly pulled back to look at her.

"Your Mom will be back soon," she began, making any attempt to divert his thoughts, "and is going to force me to spend the night away from you…"

"Stop." He insisted, his gaze never leaving hers. "You're keeping something from me."

"I told you," she replied, thinking that repeating information was better than dealing with the truth. "I'm tired and exhausted, no matter how much rest I get…and I just need for you to be ok and go home, and you need to let me take care of you," and her eyes watered involuntarily

"Please," he soothed, "don't cry."

"I'm not...just," she sniffled, "please…don't be like me…all dark & twisty…just think of being ok…of us being together forever…"

"I promised you."

"You did…and I need for you to keep that promise…"

"You're stuck with me," he told her, bringing her lips to his again, "you know that."

"I know," she said, though somewhere in the back of her mind, her nightmare kept creeping into the forefront and her doubts were reflected in her gaze.

"Not too convincing…"

"I love you," she stated simply.

"Are you sure…" he began.

"You're doubting…" she gasped softly, "that I love you…" and unconsciously pulled away.

"No," he said emphatically, reaching for her hand and not letting it go. "Your eyes," he paused. "Meredith…there's sadness…they're an open book…to me…that's what I mean."

"I'm ok," she relaxed. "I'll be ok…"

"But," he said softly, one hand in his while the other felt his gentle caresses, the ever repetitive and silent I love you. "You're not ok now."

"You're ok," she said, "that's all that matters. We're ok."

"I love you," he said. "Need to know you're not doubting that…Amy, what she said..."

"I know you love me." She interrupted him and kissed him softly. "I know you do."

"We all know," Cristina said as she walked through the partially open door. "This is disturbing…you two are stuck together like glue…and acting like love struck adolescents…"

"Cristina," Meredith warned.

"Mer," he managed a smile that melted her heart, "she's just jealous."

Cristina snorted. "Mcdreamy…turned delusional."

"Be nice Cristina," Meredith told her.

"I saved his life," Cristina told her. "You heard him earlier, I can do whatever…"

"Well," Meredith said, "he's clearly under the effects of drugs. He hates messiness, so forget whatever he agreed to…about your room in our house."

"You can't take that back…" Cristina said.

"Sure I can," Meredith told her.

"You're messy."

"No I'm not…"

"Are you forgetting," Cristina started, but paused when she heard the commotion in the adjoining room. "Crap, I had a purpose for being here…to warn you the clan was on its way."

"The clan," Derek shook his head at the reference to his family, albeit she was right.

"You know," Cristina said, "mcbitchy…and…"

"Yang," Derek told her, "you'd probably get along with her…"

"Are you," Cristina looked at him, feigning incredulity "calling me bitchy…" she looked at Meredith, a slight smile on her face, "after I saved your life and …"

"Derek Christopher," Carolyn Shepherd scolded as she walked in on the conversation, followed by his sisters. "How could you speak to her that way, she saved your life."

"Ma," he said, "it's ok…she's proud of that…"

"I'm sure that is not the case…apologize this minute…"

"Carolyn," Meredith said, "they really do…kind of…understand each other."

"Actually…it really wasn't about me…I was referring to," Cristina was interrupted.

"Cristina…" Meredith warned.

"What…" the other half of the twisted sisters replied, "he started."

"Cristina," Nancy said, "are you referring to mcbitchy and mchottie…"

"You know…" Cristina stared at her.

"It's not a bad thing you know," Nancy smiled at Derek.

"I know," Cristina said smugly.

"I will never," Carolyn said, "understand any of you…"

"Wait," Cristina said, "you didn't answer, how do you know?"

"Mark," four voices echoed simultaneously.

"Figures," Derek said.

"Also," Amy chimed in, "a nurse said something about it. Look that's Shepherd's sister the one that was here before and Stevens called Mcbitchy."

"She was," Derek agreed.

"Derek," his mother warned, "that is not a nice thing to say about your sister."

"Mom," Kathleen said, "at least he's not comparing you to her, that's worse…"

"Go right ahead," Carolyn went along with the standing family teasing. "Make fun of your mother, I've come to expect no less."

"That's," Maggie the most overtly sentimental of the sisters said as she hugged her mother, "only because you get such a kick out of it…admit it Mom…and you know we love you."

"Carolyn," Meredith joined the conversation, continuing to make all attempts necessary to deviate Derek's thoughts about her keeping something from him; the truth could wait until he was better. "I'm beginning to think you do enjoy all the disclaimers…of being like you…especially since we know you lied to me…to get me to sleep."

Carolyn shrugged, then smiled at her softly, "a mother knows what she needs to do…to get her children to do what's best for them," and Meredith felt her heart skip a beat at his mother's very casual reference of her children; her children she'd said, while clearly referring to her.

"Meredith," Nancy said, "she's allowed you to call her old…and that she lies…and Ma's not mad at you…welcome to the family," his sister said, "officially."

"Enough from you girls," Carolyn said. "Meredith, Cristina, we brought back enough food for two. The nurse should be here shortly, I asked them to heat up the meal, and you can both have dinner."

"Thank you," Cristina said, "but…I've got rounds and…"

"You need dinner," Carolyn stated and put an end to any objections. "There's not that many patients here right now."

"Ma," Derek said, "can't order nurses around…"

"I didn't, I asked nicely. Don't forget, I've been one of them," Carolyn told him, and the banter and chatter of his sisters kept him company while the twisted sisters had dinner, followed by Carolyn sending his sisters to the hotel.

"Mom," Derek said when they were alone. "Thank you."

"For what dear?"

"Meredith, making her welcome…looking out for her…"

"That girl needs some mothering and I intend she'll have that while I'm here."

"She's fit in…" Derek said, "you've helped that happen."

"She loves you, it's so very clear…I've got a daughter in law that's the love of your life."

"You never said that of Addie…"

"She wasn't, clearly."

"Mom…Mer…she was a breath of fresh air…and I've hurt her… a lot…we've gone through …" he had to pause as a coughing attack took over.

"Rest," Carolyn said, her hand gently caressing his forehead. "We have all the time in the world to talk…just rest now…"

"Mer…" he said as his eyes drooped. "She worries…"

"She knows you need to rest," she insisted. "She'll wake you when she's back;" his weakened body succumbed to sleep.

"Carolyn," Meredith whispered when she came back in the room. "He's asleep again? What happened? He was ok before I left."

"The coughing wears him out," his mother told her. "I encouraged him to sleep."

"He needs rest," Meredith nodded.

"So do you," Carolyn whispered, "how are you feeling?"

"Fine…"

"Meredith…"

"I'm ok…"

"You are not going to stay here till all hours tonight."

"I have to…till he's awake…and till midnight at least."

"Absolutely not." Carolyn said. "I want you to get a full eight hours sleep."

"Carolyn," Meredith told her, "I hardly ever do that…"

"You will tonight," Carolyn said, leaving no room for argument. "I'm going for a long walk…and visit to the chapel."

Meredith was immediately at Derek's side when he'd made the slightest movement, checked his vitals, kissed his forehead and adjusted his blankets.

"Mer…"

"I'm right here," she said, a smile on her face as she reached for his hand.

"Enough of the clan yet?"

"I can handle them…"

"Brave…"

"Happy…married me…" she smiled at him, "can handle anything."

"They're being nice you know…"

"They are," she told him.

"I mean, now…but later…they'll tease hell out of us…over post it…I'm sorry."

"I can handle them."

"Yeah…" he smiled softly, "you can…Mom especially."

"She's been wonderful."

"Don't let her boss you around too much."

"I'll let her do that with you…when you don't want to follow doctor's orders…"

"I miss you…" he whispered.

"I'm here…I'll be here…all the time…"

"I mean…" the bed was raised for him to be in sitting position, and he cocked his head and smiled, "by my side…holding you…"

"We'll have that," she leaned in to press her lips against his, "soon…at home."

"Home…" he said quietly. "You need to go home …even one night…"

"Derek…" she pressed her lips against him again, "I'm here…till you are."

"Mer, you need a break…"

"I'm your wife…I'm here…being wifely…and…you…you can't stop me…"

"I don't want to stop you," he soothed, his thumb caressing the top of her hand.

"Then…just…just..." she took a deep breath, determined not to break down in front of him. Carolyn was right, she though, it would be a while before her hormones were back to normal, and she needed a full night's sleep.

"Meredith…"

"Please…I need to be here…make sure you're ok…"

"Ok," he continued the tender and loving caress, "you stay…"

"Ok," she said, and kissed him softly, desperately longing to be in his arms.

"Mer," he said, his voice raspy, "drink…cranberry juice…"

"Have a sip of water," she placed the cup with a straw close to his lips, "I'll call the nurse to get you one."

"The one from the cafeteria," he said, "it's light…not so much sugar."

"I don't want to leave you alone," she said, "and a little sugar is ok now."

"I'll be fine…won't take long…too sweet…"

"I'll tell the nurse you're alone," she said, "and I won't take long."

"Thank you."

The minute she left the room he pressed the nurse's call button and asked for her to please bring a painkiller, but it was Cristina that walked in almost immediately.

"What's wrong," Cristina questioned, "you haven't asked for pain killers before."

"You," he took a deep breath, pain obvious in his expression, "said…I could."

"Yes, of course," Cristina took his vitals. "But, you haven't…and …"

"Since when do doctors bring medication? I called the nurse."

"I was there, and you're my VIP patient."

"Really, VIP…"

"Better you than the pit…"

"Really," he said, but closed his eyes briefly willing the physical discomfort away. "You're turning down the thrill of possible surgeries for taking care of me?"

"We're grounded," she stated as she worked and administered pain medication. "This will make you feel better and a bit drowsy, but it will be good for you."

"What are you talking about, who's grounded?"

"All of us that were here…the day of the shooting…"

"Meredith didn't tell me."

"She doesn't know."

"Tell me about it."

"No," Cristina told him, "you are not dealing with work issues."

"Cristina," he said.

"No. Besides, Mer will kill me. By the way, where is she? I'm shocked she's left your side."

"I asked her to get me cranberry juice from the cafeteria."

"We have some on the floor."

"I didn't want her to know I was calling for pain killers."

"She'll find out you know."

"She won't."

"It's in your chart."

"She's not going to read that. She's my wife…it's not…"

"Derek," Cristina said, "do you really think she's not going to look?"

"Cristina," his tone changed, becoming serious. "What's wrong with her?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You…and Mom…both of you…I've noticed are looking after Meredith, and I know she's keeping something from me."

"Mer's fine," Cristina avoided his eyes and lied.

"She's not. I can see it in her eyes. She tells you everything. I need to know."

"It's been rough few days for her…seeing you get shot…the surgery…took its toll."

"There's more…" he told her.

"She'll talk to you…" Cristina admitted, unable to come up with anything else, "if there's anything…she'll talk to you."

"There is something." Derek stated emphatically.

"Give her time. It's been very emotional, but she's ok."

"Please," Derek insisted, "I need to be there…for her…help her…"

"You're alive." Cristina reassured him, her hand on his arm, offering a genuine and untypically gentle smile. "Trust me. That's all she needs right now."

"This was the last one," Meredith said as she walked into the room and stopped, panic settling in. "What's wrong…Cristina…you're here…what's wrong?"

"Nothing. Shepherd's my VIP patient. So, when you told the nurses you weren't going to be here, I was called. There are instructions for him not be unattended at any time."

"They wouldn't call you for that." Meredith replied, reaching his side. "Derek…tell me…"

"Mer," he held her hand tightly. "She's actually avoiding the pit."

"Why? Cristina, that doesn't make sense…you love stealing surgeries…"

Cristina remained silent a few seconds too long.

"Cristina," Meredith raised her voice. "What is going on?"

"We're grounded," she looked at Derek, as he smirked. Cristina narrowed his eyes at him; he was going to learn what was going on, she was going to tell Meredith, in order to protect her from learning of his request for pain medication; she could be as messy as she wanted in their new home, she was protecting his wife, a vulnerable side rarely seen. "We're not cleared for surgery."

"What?" Both Derek and Meredith asked.

"All of us involved in the shooting, grounded from surgery until some idiot trauma counselor decides we're ready."

"You're joking?" Meredith said.

"No." Derek stated. "That's always a prerequisite in these cases."

"You knew?" Meredith said.

"Not about this…here…now…but…it's standard procedure. I should have realized it immediately when Cristina told me…"

"Brainless," Cristina mumbled right before Meredith reacted.

"You," Meredith pointed at her friend, "came in here to tell him about this…are you crazy? Cristina he is not supposed to be talking about work…he is recuperating…and if…it hadn't…"

"Meredith," Derek had to raise his voice. "It's not like that."

"Then…what?" Meredith countered.

"I didn't tell him…but he's not that stupid Mer…he's chief of surgery, he'd have figured it out."

"Fine." Meredith said. "You two … be that way…don't tell me anything…"

Cristina and Derek exchanged glances, both surprised by Meredith's reaction.

Derek held her in place when she began to pull his hand away from him. "Don't…" he met her gaze, the betraying tears revealing vulnerability he couldn't imagine. "She was only here to check up on me…there's nothing more. We're not keeping anything from you," he lied.

Meredith felt immediately guilty, but her reaction, the churning emotions were not entirely hers to control. She was keeping something from him; something she feared he'd not be as understanding or forgiving.

"You were shot," Meredith said ever so quietly, "she's here…I worry…and then…you two are joking…and you shouldn't deal with work…and…"

"I'm ok," he told her. "Meredith…we're ok..."

"I'm sorry," Meredith told him. "I overreacted."

"Ok now?" he said tenderly, his hand cupping her face, and she only nodded.

Cristina had walked away quietly, intercepting Carolyn Shepherd from going in to her son's room, and sat with her and explained what had transpired. Both agreed Meredith's vulnerability was heightened by the miscarriage.

Meredith, at Derek's urging, had remained by his side and they'd talked about his sisters and a handful of other subjects, all kept to light conversations until sleep had claimed him, mainly as a result of the medication. Carolyn walked in close to ten that evening, and watched as her son slept, his hand touching his wife's shoulder, as she had settled her face near his torso, comforted by the warmth of his hand on her body.

"Meredith, dear," Carolyn whispered, "it's late…"

"He's not feeling well." She answered. "I'm staying with him tonight."

"Did he tell you that?"

"No," Meredith answered, "but I can tell…"

"He's resting now…he'll probably sleep through the night," Carolyn countered. "You are going to get some sleep."

"Carolyn," Meredith looked at her. "I need to be here…if he needs me."

"If he wakes up and wants you here, I will come and get you."

"But…"

"Meredith," the matriarch stated, "I've been taking care of kids and grandchildren for well over forty years…I was a nurse…surely…you trust me."

"It's not that."

"I'm also his mother…and I won't let anything happen to him, just like you won't."

The conversation went on for several minutes, until Meredith was truly too emotionally and physically spent to come up with a better argument. She found an on call room with two empty beds and lay down; knowing she needed to sleep, while at the same time willing herself awake, unwilling to risk further nightmares.

The whimpers were but mere distant intrusions, as Cristina slept in the bed nearby Meredith, turning to loud, intense heartbreaking sobs.

"No, please…you can't…Derek…it's not true…you don't mean that…Derek…please…"

Cristina rose and went to her friend's bedside. "Mer…wake up," and still the sobs continued with words that made no sense at all, "Mer…wake up, you're having a nightmare," she continued until she got through to her.

"What…what are you doing here?"

"I was sleeping…"

"Why…are you here?"

"Are you ok…Mer you were crying…sobbing…you were having a nightmare."

"I'm ok," Meredith said, wiping away at tears that had obviously been real.

"You're not. Tell me about it."

Meredith just shook her head. "Nothing, it's nothing."

"Nothing." Cristina said. "Nothing woke me up at two in the morning with you sobbing."

"It will go away," Meredith said as sat up.

"You were crying out, something about Derek…something you were telling him was not true."

"I'm fine."

"Meredith," Cristina was adamant. "What the hell was that dream about."

"It's…it's …every night…I can't sleep…I don't want to sleep…every night…it haunts me…"

"What does?" Cristina said a lot more calmly and ever so briefly placed her hand over Meredith's arm then waited through the long silence she knew would eventually end.

"He's so angry…" a lone tear slipped, "so angry at me…he doesn't believe me…he blames me."

"Why is Derek angry with you?"

"The..." another tear, her lips pursed attempting to keep more tears away, "the…miscarriage," she said finally unable to say the baby.

"Derek is not going to be angry with you. Mer, you must know that."

"I didn't tell him…" Meredith wiped away the tears, "he didn't know…and he thinks…"

"There was no time to tell him," Cristina reasoned with her. "He'll understand."

"The look on his face," she met Cristina's gaze, "he doesn't…"

"You've had a nightmare, that's not reality."

"Cristina, if you could see the look on his face…and he pulls away from me… so disappointed in me…I can't Cristina…I can't…I need him."

"Mer, he loves you. Even the cynical and skeptic in me knows that."

"He's so disappointed in me…" Meredith repeated, remaining silent.

"He is not going to be disappointed in you. But, you do need to tell him. I can see he may be upset you did not tell him…not about…not about," she too did not mention the baby, "about the miscarriage."

"He's not ready." Meredith said emphatically. "I can't do that to him now."

"You can share this together."

"No." Meredith said. "Not now."

"He asked me about you, he knows there's something wrong," Cristina repeated their entire conversation. "He knows you so well," she paused before she spoke again.

"He can't know. I need for him to get home…and be well…"

"You both underestimate each other's strength." Cristina stated.

"I'm not willing to take the risk."

"Neither is he willing to upset you." Cristina decided she'd tell her the reason for her visit.

"He was in pain," Meredith's reaction was expected as she tried to rise from the small bed. "You let me come here to sleep when he's in pain and may need me."

"Carolyn is there and we agreed you need some rest. Mer, in the same time of Derek's injuries, you've had a miscarriage…and hemorrhaging that left no option for you to have a D & C. You're not getting the rest you need. Now I get it, you're not sleeping, not if what you said about having these nightmares is true, and I know Carolyn is making sure you eat, but you look exhausted.

"My husband was shot," Meredith retorted, "and a gun was held to your head…and I thought he died…and I…I…"

"You lost a baby…" Cristina said gently, "and you need for Derek to know that."

"I will tell him." Meredith said. "Not now."

"We have a good four hours of sleep left." Cristina said, "Do you need anything now?"

"I'm going to Derek."

"You are not," Cristina said. "You are staying here."

"He was in pain, he asked you for medication and he hasn't…"

"His dose of medications will make him sleep through the night." Cristina told her.

"Why are you here?" Meredith went back to her original question.

"I'm on call. Lots of staff not coming in."

"Cristina…" Meredith questioned.

"Owen wasn't going to be home tonight. He got a call for a trauma case across town."

"So you volunteered to be here?"

"Yeah," Cristina responded. "Something like that," and chose not to share any more of the conversation, one she wasn't certain she was ready to deal with herself. Nor would she admit to Meredith that she'd told Carolyn she'd keep an eye on her this night. "Go to sleep. You interrupted my beauty sleep."

"Beauty sleep," Meredith rolled her eyes. "You believe that."

"Of course. That's one thing my mother was right about. Why do you think I have flawless complexion."

"Oh God…" Meredith groaned as she fell back against the pillows. "Spare us the ego."

Meredith was at Derek's bedside early in the morning, insisting Carolyn go to the hotel and get some rest; reluctantly, his mother finally agreed but not before giving her instructions.

"Meredith," Carolyn frowned, "you don't look well rested. You have dark circles and you will not be much good to Derek if you get sick."

"I'm fine."

"I know all about your fine. Now, I am going to go to the hotel and I will be back later. Even I recognize my limitations, even if I'm old," she tried to tease her daughter in law over that.

"You're not old."

"That's not what you said the first night I was here…"

"That was rude," Meredith admitted, "but it wasn't meant that way…"

"I'm teasing you dear, I know what you meant…but, you are not taking care of yourself and obviously don't know your limitations. Tonight, you will go home."

"No…I'm not leaving Derek…did you know he asked for pain medication…and Cristina didn't tell me. I would never have left here last night."

"She told me," Carolyn said, "and I was here."

"But…"

"But, nothing. You need a break from here. Just like I do. I'm going to go now and will be back later. You will not stay here past eight o'clock tonight."

"Carolyn…I appreciate…"

"Meredith, don't make me talk to Derek," Carolyn issued an empty threat.

"You wouldn't…"

"He would agree with me that you need to go home and have a full night away from here. Sweetheart, you need that…and he's stable and doing just fine, and let's take advantage of the fact his sisters are here, they are going to need to go home soon, and then it will be just the two of us."

"You're staying…" Meredith tread carefully, "when they're gone?"

"Unless you don't want me to stay, I'd like to help out…it's going to be a long recuperation. I'm hoping I can be useful…for a few weeks…if it's ok with you and you don't mind."

"Derek needs that. I think. Of course I don't mind."

"I also like to think," Carolyn smiled at her softly, "you may need me just a bit too."

"I do," Meredith answered with a soft smile of her own, "I'm glad you've been here."

"Whenever you need me," Carolyn told her, "I'm a phone or plane ride away."

"You act like a mother…"

"It's part of who I am…"

"My mother never was," Meredith stated simply; remaining quiet for a while. "I'm glad you're here."

"So am I Meredith," Carolyn hugged her close.

Meredith spent the day by Derek's side, as would become customary over the days spent at the hospital, helping, when he allowed it, with his daily routine. He had to master stairs before allowed to go home and that became his goal, often pushing it beyond the limit that would result in sheer exhaustion and usually ended with a need for the hated prescribed pain killers he was determined to avoid.

It had also become routine, at this point, for the staff and friends to drop in more often and included Richard Webber, temporarily assigned as chief of surgery again. Derek detected a distance between him and Meredith.

Meredith welcomed the many interruptions, at times, as Derek's gaze clearly told her he was displeased she was keeping something from him. But, continued to lavish her with tender loving caresses and in all ways he could assured her of his love for her. Instinctively, he knew she needed him more than ever before, and her vulnerability and what may be causing the lingering sadness in her eyes was his primary concern.

"Mer," Derek spoke when she came back to his room after he'd been assisted with his daily hygiene routine. "Don't be mad at me."

"I'm not," she told him.

"When we're home…you can help me…but here…I feel helpless and weak…and I don't want my wife having to help me bathe and…"

"Don't you understand that doesn't matter to me…don't exclude me."

"I'm not…it's not that…please understand, I need help getting to the bathroom sometimes…and…"

"I understand," she told him lovingly, cupping his face with both hands. "It's ok."

"No more Mr. Incredible," he teased with a smile.

"I have no doubts," she kissed him, "he will rise…" another kiss, "to the occasion."

"You have a lot of confidence," he kissed her back.

"I've lived it…experienced it," she kissed him again, "and can wait, for when the time is right."

"I love you," he deepened their kiss briefly.

"I love you too," she responded with another kiss.

"Unbelievable," they heard from the door.

"Amy, Maggie…" Derek said, somewhat annoyed, "don't you ever knock?"

"Door was open," Cristina chimed in, as she was with them.

"Ajar," Meredith said.

"Mer," Derek said, "it's moot…when do the frat house guests ever knock?"

"See," Cristina held his chart, "he knows."

"It doesn't mean he likes it," Meredith told her.

"Mer," Cristina said. "He's not going to say anything now…he already told me."

"I told you," Meredith glared at her, "he was clearly on drugs. From now on, my rules."

"Sure," Cristina said dismissively. "Shepherd, looks like you may be home in about six days."

"What…" Meredith said, "that's too soon…Cristina…they said no fast tracking."

"Mer," Derek said. "It's ok…I want to go home."

"It's been three nights… four days since that morning…you can't go home in six days."

"Meredith," Maggie said, "Mark said he spoke to Dr. Altman…she agrees that the sooner he

goes home the better."

"So…everyone knows about this, except me, decisions for my husband are being made…and no one thinks I should know," she blurted and then remained silent, turning away from him so he would not see her crying.

"Give us a minute," Derek told the three women, and pulled on Meredith's hand. "Meredith," Derek said, "Teddy told me about it during one of my sessions today, and if had not been interrupted I would have told you myself, but…" he tried to tease her. "I was a bit distracted."

"Don't you dare try to …" she looked at him, eyes still teary. "smooth this over…"

"I'm not," he soothed, his thumb on her hand, caressing softly, I love you…I love you…over and over. "It's good news Mer…you know that, the less time at a hospital, especially after this type of surgery the better, it helps avoid all sorts of infections and complications."

"Nothing…" she said, "nothing can happen to you…I don't want them to rush you. Please, Derek…no rushing…I need you…" she was about to break down, he could see it, and drawing on strength that was earlier depleted he drew her as close to him as possible.

"Teddy is an excellent doctor. Meredith, she knows what she's doing, Owen and the rest..."

"She and Owen…are both crazy…of course they think going home is better," she said, perhaps a bit irrationally. "They're used to desert conditions where there's no sterility and they're mostly out in fields of sands and…she's all…that desert Barbie is not going to screw up your recovery.

Derek could not help but laugh, as much as it cost him, the pain was excruciating.

"You're laughing at me…" Meredith glared at him, but softened when the inevitable coughing attack took over his body and she helped him through it.

"Meredith," Derek finally spoke, "desert Barbie…"

"That's what we call her," she admitted.

"You and Cristina?"

"Yes."

"Does she know that?"

"Who cares?" Meredith rolled her eyes. "Don't change the subject."

"I promise. I will not allow them to release me if there's any indication I should still be here."

"I know you want to go home," she said, "I want you home too…but we can't…Derek, no risks… please…"

"You know…" he cocked his head slightly, the smile that never failed to make her heart feel loved and wanted and safe. "What says thank you…like nothing else…"

Meredith laughed, and his heart knew joy; it had been so long since he'd heard the sound he adored. "How long…have you been waiting to say that again?"

"Too long…" he smiled at her; they were back on track. "And apparently may have to wait a lot longer than I'd like…for sex…"

She leaned in to him and words were murmured upon his lips. "We have a lifetime."

"Yes," he said, "we will have that lifetime."

Meredith left the room momentarily to find his sisters, and told them she'd be back in a few minutes, and when she did, found Amy, Maggie and Cristina exchanging money.

"Cristina," Meredith said, "what are you betting on," and took the money from her hand, and gave it back to each of his sisters.

"I can't help it if I know you two better," Cristina said.

"She earned it," Amy said, "fair and square."

Derek nodded his head. "You're encouraging this?" Meredith raised an eyebrow.

"Why not, maybe they'll knock first from now on," Derek joked.

"They didn't believe me," Cristina told her, "that you two are lip locked whenever possible."

"We are not," Meredith said; Cristina snorted and Derek smiled as did his sisters.

Ignoring them all, she unwrapped the small straw attached to the carton of juice and brought it to his lips, unable to disguise the teasing smile. "I thought you may want this again today."

Derek laughed, "Cristina told you."

"You jerk," Meredith answered. "Don't do it again. You tell me what's going on."

"Yes, dear." He teased her and pulled on her hand, and she smiled and kissed him.

Cristina noticed when Meredith went to sit down at the recliner near the bed, and just before seemed to need to steady herself as she held on to the back of the chair; that, as well as the exhausted appearance prompted her to make a decision that would once again leave Meredith emotionally vulnerable in his family's presence.

Maggie, at his request, chatted away about the children and family back home, and Amy chimed in with a few stories of her own, while Meredith listened and participated when appropriate, though the empty feeling in her heart was never far away.

"Meredith," Amy said, "Mom told me you'd agree to go home tonight, so I'm taking night duty. What we're hoping for is that you can convince her to stay at the hotel."

"Conspiring behind my back," Carolyn said at that precise moment and walked to her youngest daughter and in a motherly gesture ran her hand gently over Amy's hair, and years of resentment continued to be stripped away.

"Ma…" Amy said, "you weren't supposed to hear that."

"I'm well aware," she smiled and turned to Derek. "Dear, how are you?"

"Exhausted," he told her truthfully. "I feel like a wimp."

"That's appropriated," Maggie teased him, "you were a nerd in high school."

"Meredith," Amy said, "have you seen the photos in his band uniform and afro?"

"I love you too Amy," Derek joked. "And no, she hasn't."

"Well," Amy smiled, "Meredith, when you two go home, Mom has albums filled."

"Albums filled," Meredith joked as well, "of Derek in geeky band uniforms with afro hair?"

"I have many albums of all my children and grandchildren," Carolyn stated.

"Meredith," Amy told her, "make sure he doesn't hide them…you have to see them…"

"I'll have to make sure to take uncover yours when you were…" Derek threatened.

"I'll just have to make sure I get there before you do," she stated leaving her mother incredulous.

"Amelia," Carolyn whispered softly, using her daughter's preferred name, "you'll …" she paused, regained her composure, "you're planning on coming home?"

"I…well…" Amy responded, the significance of what she said astounding.

"We've been talking," Maggie reached for her sister's hand. "It would be nice, when Derek and Meredith can visit…if we all were together…it's been a long time."

"I don't have to come," Amy said, when neither her brother or mother said anything.

"Oh sweetheart," Carolyn hugged her daughter, "it would be the most…" she paused, pursed her lips and then took a deep breath, "the most precious time of all…my family together at home."

"Mom…" Amy said, trying not to become sentimental, and her mother understood, and simply held her.

"I love you Amy…I've missed my baby…" and her daughter did nothing to correct her; she'd needed her mother's arms around her for so long.

Derek looked over at Meredith, and again saw the sadness in her eyes; somehow, he had to find a way to get through the walls she'd erected; albeit only in regard to an unknown.

"Mer," Cristina was back in Derek's room about an hour later, "a patient was just brought in and we need your help with her."

"I'm not working," Meredith told her.

"She trusts you, apparently you've seen her before…and your intern is not having much luck with her agreeing to medical attention."

"Mer," Derek said, "it's ok…if you want to go…if not…Cristina she's off the schedule."

"She really needs attention," Cristina told them, "and if she doesn't see you, she won't agree."

"I'll be back," Meredith got up slowly and again a slight imbalance, making Cristina glad of making the phone call, and walked over to Derek, kissing his check before she left.

"Who is the patient?"

"You are."

"Cristina," Meredith stopped walking. "I'm not in the mood for jokes."

"Dr. Cameron is here," Cristina told her, "he wants to see you."

"Dr. Cameron…" Meredith's expression was one of confusion, "why…would he …"

Cristina met her gaze. "I called him."

"You did what…why?"

"You're not sleeping…I saw you lose your balance in Derek's room…which must mean your dizzy and…I think you're dehydrated."

"You had no right."

"Mer…stop arguing…you'd do the same if it was me."

"I…Cristina…you can't just…"

"Let's not keep him waiting," she said, and pushed her friend gently in the direction to see her doctor.

"Meredith," Cameron said, "Dr. Yang called me, she was rather concerned."

"I'm fine," Meredith told him.

"How are you feeling? Are you sleeping? Any dizziness? Dry mouth or excessive thirst" he asked the series of questions as he took her blood pressure.

"Today…in the last few hours…I've been dizzy a few times…" Meredith admitted.

"Your blood pressure is rather low," he told her after taking it twice. "Have you been eating?"

"I have…Derek's Mom…she's on top of me about it."

"How about drinking fluids?"

Meredith had to pause as she realized she'd been drinking very little fluids. "Not as much as I normally do…but I'm ok…and I'm sorry Cristina never should have called you and made you go out of your way."

"Dr. Yang," Cameron said, "was absolutely right in calling me, and it wasn't out of my way. I know how upset you were, and after all your husband has gone through as well, it was an easy decision to make."

"Thank you," Meredith stated simply. "But…I'm ok," doubts surfaced, "aren't I?"

"You'll be fine," he smiled at her. "But, the symptoms you have are an indication you may become dehydrated, so we're going to take care of that right now."

"You are?" Meredith questioned.

"Will do an IV…" Dr. Cameron began to say.

"Oh, no, I can't…I can't be away from Derek's room…I'm not here tonight."

"Meredith," Dr. Cameron said, "it's a precaution…but we are going to do this, and you know it won't take more than thirty minutes."

"Dr. Cameron…" she wanted to argue.

"Dr. Yang, will you wait for us outside, and paused till they were alone. "Meredith, your friend is very concerned about you…and rightly so. She told me you've been having nightmares and not sleeping well, that's why I wanted to come talk to you. I already knew I was going to recommend and IV drip solution."

"She shouldn't have…I'm sorry…you had to come for this…I'm fine."

"You're not fine," he stated. "Nor are you expected to be. It's not uncommon when a woman miscarries for grief to manifest itself in different ways, and you're experiencing part of that. Additionally, your husband has been through a life and death situation you've witnessed."

"He didn't know," Meredith said quietly. "I found out…and had no chance to tell him."

"I know," he said, "but, I'm sure, when you tell him…he'll want to support you."

"I can't…I can't tell him now…"

He agreed with her. "You'll know when is best to tell him, but, right now, I need for you to

understand you're a patient as well…" he went on to talk with her about the various ways she could be affected, emotionally as well as physically, while without even having to convince her he took care of all that was needed to administer the IV, and sat with her throughout the time it took to be completed.

"Thank you," Meredith said, "doctors don't normally do this."

"You've been through a traumatic moment; the entire city has been touched and is saddened by this tragedy. Your husband, though I don't know him personally, is one of the best in his field and well respected. It's the very least I can do for two colleagues."

"I'll tell him you said that," Meredith smiled.

"I've done a bit of reading," Mike Cameron told her, "what lead to it and he did the right thing respecting a patient's wishes."

"My husband," Meredith told him, "wanted to apologize…for her death…though he knew there was nothing more that could have been done…the hospital wouldn't let him…that's what Derek would have done."

"I also remembered that Harper had commented on his clinical trial…I went back and read that."

"Harper Avery talked to you about the trial?"

"He thought it was a reflection of what great doctors can do, when they allow themselves to take on such high risks…and it was."

"It was difficult," Meredith told him, "so many patients didn't make it."

"Derek said as much," Cameron felt comfortable using his first name, "in a follow up article, the one where he mentions you were solely responsible for making it happen, that it was your idea; that for him, it would always be the Grey-Shepherd Method and he regretted that had not been made clear in the first one published."

"I had no idea," Meredith said, "until he showed me, that he'd done a second article."

"His admiration for your skills is in every word he spoke."

"He's was the only option I considered for that trial, he's brilliant," Meredith told him.

"That's what he said about you." Mike Cameron smiled. "I admire and respect a man that can

correct his mistakes," and without understanding what made her trust this man, she admitted the first article had caused a bit of a strain between them.

"It got me a kidney in a jar," she laughed.

"Quite a gift," he joked.

"Cristina was horribly jealous," Meredith told him.

"I can see that," he told her. "Meredith, she did the right thing calling me."

"Thank you," Meredith said again, "for your thoughtfulness."

"I wanted to reassure you and make certain you were physically doing well. I did what I hoped someone would do for my wife, in the same situation. It was an easy decision to make."

"It helped." She smiled at him. "Derek would feel and do the same."

Within twenty minutes he removed the needle from her arm and helped her rise from the bed, and waited a to make sure she was ok before holding the door open for her.

"I'll see you as we agreed," Mike Cameron said, "and I'll look forward to meeting your husband," and she walked with him a short distance toward the elevators.

"Thank you again," Meredith told him, and as the elevator doors opened was met by two unexpected and familiar faces.

"Mike…Mike Cameron?"

"Nancy…" The Irishman smiled, "I can't believe it…it's been years…"

"Probably five years," Nancy said as Meredith met Kathleen's gaze, and intuitively knew her life would be changed by the chance encounter.


	16. Chapter 16

_A/N 6/5/11 – Thanks to each of you that commented on last chapter, and to those with continued interest in reading. The unexpected encounter with Dr. Cameron and his sisters was a means to an end (further bonding with his family). My intention has never been to show details of recuperation; even Grey's glossed over it, and I don't know enough medical facts to attempt it. Likewise, neither Meredith nor Derek went into depths of despair or darkness, and nothing at all of PD's opinion that Derek would be devastated has been shown, in fact I remain shocked by the insensitivity of how the scene was handled when Mer reveals her miscarriage and hope this chapter and the ones to follow address Meredith's "Deepest Injury" with a bit more depth to what was lacking on screen and subsequent episodes._

_Based on the last chapter's very few comments, I expect this story has 2 or 3 chapters left to be completed. This story, unfortunately, is nothing at all to what Grey's has done in season 7, as I don't care for the direction they chose for Meredith's behavior, and in my opinion is completely unrecognizable. Derek's reaction to the miscarriage and the scenes that will unfold are what were always intended to happen in this story, even if getting there was lots more difficult than expected. After waiting for so long, hope to meet some of your expectations._

_After the season finale, it has been very difficult to write this story. Cannot even begin to express my disappointment over the direction of Grey's season finale, but, I'll try my best in the next few chapters to bring this to a close that could have been feasible, without contrived plots that ultimately, as Meredith said, resulted in more sadness in her life. "Screw you Meredith," the character speaks of the Universe, which to me is simply Shonda Rhimes' infliction of more heartbreak for Meredith and Meredith and Derek 's had the lowest ratings for a season finale of the series, not quite making it to 10 million…think it behooves Shonda Rhimes to practice humility, but she has indeed stated that she would make no changes and that if she only had three viewers, would write the same way. Well…she may have lost a lot of them. Personally, I had never missed watching a season finale live, and to this date, have only watched You Tube Scenes. My original A/N was dated a month ago…a reflection of true "obliterated hopes"_

_I'd like to add that I KNOW it's unlikely they'd ever have these long conversation, hence my reference to chatty husband; after all, Meredith must know him best and she thinks he's chatty!_

_Thanks again for your interest in my vision for Meredith and Derek them after the end of last year; never meant to take a year to complete, and it's been my goal to turn Obliterated Hopes to Obliterated Hopes... Restored. Warm regards, Jasmin_

_p.s. I'm at 8,136 words & not done… so, decided to post part of what I have, instead of waiting to be finished with all I wanted to include in this chapter. _

_**Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 16 – Shared Sadness **_

"_I'll see you as we agreed," Mike Cameron said, "and I'll look forward to meeting your husband," and she walked with him a short distance toward the elevators. _

"_Thank you again," Meredith told him, and as the elevator doors opened was met by two unexpected and familiar faces._

"_Mike…Mike Cameron?" _

"_Nancy…" The Irishman smiled, "I can't believe it…it's been years…"_

"_Probably five years," Nancy said as Meredith met Kathleen's gaze, and intuitively knew her life would be changed by the chance encounter._

"You look amazing," Mike Cameron said as he embraced Nancy first, and then turned to Kathleen. "You are as beautiful as ever..."

"Mike," Nancy laughed, "Kevin's still jealous you know," and the three old friends laughed.

"What are you doing here, both of you," and suddenly it dawned on him. "Good Lord, Derek Shepherd, I didn't stop to think, he's your brother."

"Dr. Cameron," Meredith interrupted, "I can't believe you know Derek's sisters. I'll leave you to catch up… and thank you so much for the consult on my patient," she said, making it clear to him, in case there was any doubt, that Derek's sisters were unaware of her miscarriage. "She refused to talk to anyone," her deliberate ramble continued, "if I wasn't there and…well, you know, she was not listening to her current doctor's advice."

"Dr. Grey," Cameron turned to her, meeting her eyes to reassure her of the doctor patient confidentiality, "I'm certain if the patient follows my instructions, there won't be any further complications. But, don't hesitate to contact me if you feel I can be of further assistance to her."

Meredith took the opportunity to walk away and return to Derek's room, where she found Mark and a couple other doctors talking about sports related news. Her mother in law immediately noticed something was not quite right. "Meredith, dear, join me for a walk, I need the exercise and don't know a thing about these doctors' sports talk."

Several minutes later, Carolyn had led Meredith to the chapel; the only place she'd discovered had no gossiping or indiscreet audiences. "What's wrong sweetheart?"

Meredith smiled softly at Carolyn Shepherd, the ever present melancholy reflected in her eyes, and then felt the warmth of a mother's embrace. "You've been so kind to me."

"Meredith," Carolyn asked gently, "what's wrong?"

"Cristina," Meredith took a deep breath, and did not hesitate to be fully honest with his mother, "she called Dr. Cameron…there was no patient…"

"Why?" Carolyn interrupted. "You didn't tell me you weren't feeling well, what's happened…"

"I'm ok," Meredith's eyes watered; the obvious and genuine concern expressed by this woman, she barely knew, overwhelming. "Really…you don't have to worry," she reassured as she explained what had transpired to her mother in law, including the elevator encounter, and their bond continued to strengthen within the confines of a room, so unlike Carolyn Shepherd was accustomed to worship in; dim lit walls with few lit candles and geometric stained glass panels in shades of blues, except for the indigo shade Derek preferred, and a sculpture of a pair of hands brought together for prayer, and in a familiar and similar action, Carolyn reached for Meredith's hand, and whispered a heartfelt prayer; both women's cheeks inevitably dampened by tears.

"Dear God," Carolyn began, "your strength has been my own for so long…I need for Meredith to understand you won't let me down…not in the years I have left to love and comfort my family," she heard the soft intake of breath. "I need for you to help us through this, especially Meredith and Derek, for I know my son will heal, and that you and Dad," she had to pause for composure, "have been watching out for him…and he is going recuperate completely and quickly, but, they will deal with the sadness of the loss of my grandchild." Carolyn felt Meredith's gentle squeeze, "their first baby…and it will be hard to understand why that happened…but, I am trusting you to look after them, to help them accept things we cannot change, and trust that you will provide them with the joy of parenthood in the years ahead," she held Meredith's hands tighter. "Thank you for answering my prayers, that my son…my little boy," she smiled softly at Meredith, "is going to be well…and for giving me a new daughter to love," Meredith's tears streaked her face, "and for all those prayers yet unspoken…by them…for I know you will not let them down," she said and gently but with the strength found in her soul squeezed Meredith's hands again before she wiped Meredith's tears away and hugged her.

"Thank you," Meredith closed her eyes and whispered, "for listening to her prayers," and then silently, she begged. "Please, let him understand...let him not hate me for keeping this from him..."

"Mom," Nancy said when her mother and Meredith walked in the room, "we were going to send out a search party. You'll never believe who we ran into," and went on to explain to Meredith how she and Mike Cameron had done a fellowship together, and he and his wife, as well as Kathleen and her husband had spent a lot of time together with their families during that time.

"I remember him," Carolyn said, "though I never actually met him," she repeated what she had already told Meredith was the reason she had not known who he was when she was with her during her D & C procedure. "His wife was a pediatrician."

"Yes," Nancy told her, "and remember how Mike was jealous of him always complementing Kathleen…being attentive, as if she'd ever look at any other man…"

"I was seven months pregnant when we met," Kathleen chuckled.

"He was smitten," Nancy teased her.

"I was waddling and bloated and hardly someone to be smitten by…"

"You were beautiful," Derek told her, "every time…you've been pregnant…glowing and…"

"Not quite," Kathleen said, changing subjects quickly, "but, I'll take the compliments."

"You were," he smiled at her, "all of you have been…" he looked over at Meredith, a soft smile.

"Count me out," Amy said, "I'm content being an aunt…it's your turn big brother…"

"Meredith," Kathleen interrupted, when she saw her reaction; the sadness the comment evoked. "I was wondering, since it's about time for us to go…if you'd mind dropping Nancy and me at the hotel. We only have one car, and I know Maggie wants to spend more time with Amy…"

"Yes," Meredith couldn't very well refuse. "Of course," she told her, and knew without a doubt she'd have a hard time practicing the mastered art of avoidance.

"We'll give you and Derek some time alone before we go home," Kathleen said, and led her sisters and mother out of the room.

"Hey," Derek smiled at her, "you didn't have to leave earlier," then reached for her hand, the ever present caress of his love for her. "I'd have preferred your company to grown men arguing about scores."

"I felt bad," she told him, "not going with your mom," she paused. "Derek, she's been wonderful and so supportive…and I don't do well with families…and she's…"

"She's being a Mom," he told her, "and she likes you and thinks you're perfect for me."

"You know," Meredith said, "I'm not saying this because I want to argue with you…but you should have told me how much the ring meant to her…Derek…"

"Meredith," he told her, "you had already said you weren't a ring type of girl and didn't want…"

"Still," she interrupted him, emotional about something that normally would not have mattered, "it's your Mom's ring…it meant so much to her, she took it off for me…"

"Meredith," he said somberly, "I took that ring…" he paused as he pursed his lips to gain control, "and batted it away…and made a mockery of the memory of my parents' love…" he shook his head, "how…how could I expect you to …"

"Hey," she leaned in to kiss him, feeling like a hypocrite, as she too was now keeping something, from him. "It's ok…I understand…I do…"

"The most," he closed his eyes, "shameful thing…I've ever done…" he opened them again, locked gazes with hers, "and you…how I hurt you that day…and…"

Meredith covered his lips with hers, a kiss to reassure and remind him past hurts had been forgiven. "No more of that talk…I love you."

"I've hurt you," he said, "so much."

"You've loved me more…that's all that matters," she told him, and expertly changed the subject to his sisters and got him to talk about how pleased he was that they were there, even if they were very nosy, and how they had been hinting about going to the island to see where their home would be and that he'd planned on asking Mark to take them, and take a look at how the construction was progressing since it would be weeks before he would be able to himself.

Meredith was laughing at something Derek said when his mother walked in the room. "It's way after the time we agreed Meredith…it's almost nine…"

"Carolyn," Meredith said, "I know I told you I'd go…and that you mean well…but tonight," she reached for his hand, "I want to stay here…I need to …"

"Tonight," Carolyn told her, "we had an agreement…you are going to go home…get a full night's sleep…and take advantage that his sisters are here…Meredith, you need that."

"Meredith," Derek said, "Ma's right…you need a night at home."

"I want to stay," she said, "please…"

"Hey," he said while his mother was already making her way out the door again. "Do this for me…she's right, you need to rest, and you've admitted you haven't been getting too much sleep, and I need for you to be ok…"

"That's what I told you…"

"Well," he smiled, as he cupped her face, "we both want the same thing…and I'm ok…I am…"

"Derek…"

"I'm not ok…like we're ready to have sex ok," he teased, "but…Meredith…"

"You're going to take her side," Meredith pouted.

"No," he smiled, head cocked slightly, "yours…because she's right, you need one night uninterrupted sleep in a comfortable bed."

"You didn't leave me…" she argued.

"You forced me to go home," he contradicted, "the third night after your surgery," and they spent a few more minutes talking and offering each other tender loving words and caresses before what should be a final kiss goodnight.

"Perfect timing," they heard Maggie's lightly teasing voice.

"Go away," Derek told her.

"Mom's determined Meredith's going home, and we've already told the nurse to come back twice, and you don't want your friend Cristina to continue winning do you?"

"You're betting," Derek looked at his sister, "on us again…now what?"

"She told the nurse it would be another twenty minutes, at least, before the two of you managed to keep your hands off each other and whenever she walked in, would be interrupting the two of you lip locked."

"I'm going to have to do something about the worth ethics around here," Derek mumbled.

"Right," Meredith raised an eyebrow, "you're going to take on the gossip machine."

"I didn't say that," Derek smirked.

"It's useless," Meredith smiled and leaned in to him for one more kiss…becoming three, by which time all his sisters were in the room.

"Time to go home," his mother said when it was long past the time she'd wanted Meredith to go home. "Goodnight dear," Carolyn kissed her daughters' cheeks before turning to Meredith and doing the same. "I'll see you in the morning."

"She's very bossy," Meredith commented as she walked away from Derek's room.

"We know," Nancy replied. "She's like a sergeant, all our lives she's been that way."

"Not always," Kathleen said, "she became more like that after Dad died."

"That's true," Nancy admitted. "And being a navy nurse didn't help."

"Grey," Mark's voice stopped them right before they walked through the hospital doors.

"Mark," Meredith turned around, a bit panicked, "what's wrong, something's happened to Derek…we just left."

"No," he told her. "It's Lexie, she went home hours ago and I haven't been able to reach her. I was going to go there now, but have an emergency here…and need to scrub in…"

"Plastics emergency?" Nancy smirked.

"I'm not in a joking mood," he said seriously, "and there are emergencies."

"I know Mark, it's just hard to resist teasing you," Nancy placed a hand on his arm. "It's what sisters do."

"Shep's right," he said gruffly, "you're all a pain in the ass."

"He did not say that," Meredith protested, her eyes wide as she chastised him.

"He did too," Mark told her, "been saying it for years."

"Mark…" Meredith warned, not wanting any animosity with his sisters.

"Don't pay any attention to him Meredith," Kathleen said, "we're used to it."

"Grey," Mark ended the subject. "I can't leave and be back in time…will you check on Lexie…let me know…"

"I'll call you," Meredith said, "after I drop Nancy and Kathleen off at the hotel."

"No," he said, "can you go home first…please…I'm really worried about her, but there's no way I can get there and back before I need to scrub in."

"Mark," Meredith asked with concern, "is there something you're not telling me…fifteen minutes shouldn't make a difference for me to check on her."

"Meredith," he rarely used her first name. "I need to go into surgery, it's a long one…I need to know she's ok before I get in there, it will take hours. Several victims have third degree burns."

"I'll stop by the house first," Meredith said. "But...tell me, why are you so concerned?"

"Go," he said, "I'll call while you're driving," he said, and in fact did, making Meredith glad she'd been able to avoid further conversation with Derek's sisters, yet now, she had one more thing to worry about; Lexie's emotional well-being, which from what Mark had said, was far more vulnerable than any of them would have expected.

Fate, Meredith would reflect as the years went by, had certainly set up a scenario that made well accustomed avoidance impossible, and indeed the conversation between Kathleen and Nancy became the foundation of a lifetime of mutual respect and support amongst the three women, a foundation of familial ties and bonds that would lead them to think of each other as sisters; appropriately on a night when concern for her own sister had led Meredith to forget all else, even if she knew it would inevitably lead to a much more personal and unavoidable conversation with Derek's sisters.

"I won't be long, Mark, I'll call you in a few minutes." Meredith said when she reached her house and disconnected their call, then turned to Derek's sisters. "I'm sorry, but from what Mark said, I had to come here first."

"Meredith," Kathleen said, "you have nothing to apologize for."

"I'm not sure," Meredith said, "I mean…the house might be a mess…but…make yourselves at home…" she said as she walked to the front door, and took a deep breath, and immediately felt the warmth of Kathleen's hand on her back.

"Meredith, it's ok," Kathleen offered quietly. "Just remember, Derek will be home in a few days."

"I…" Meredith took another deep breath, "I…could have come home…and he'd be gone…"

"But," Kathleen reminded her, "he's not. He's doing much better than we could expect, and we're here…if you need us, we're all here." Nancy had taken the keys from Meredith's shaking hand and opened the door.

"Go see to your sister," Kathleen urged.

Meredith raced up the stairs and without knocking opened the door to the attic, and breathed a sigh of relief as she neared her sister's bed. "Lexie," Meredith said quietly, though she immediately reached for her sister's arm, taking her pulse, and then relaxed a bit. "Lexie…"

"Meredith," her sister said groggily, "you're home…" then sobered, "Derek…" she sat up, "is something wrong? Are you ok?"

"I'm ok," Meredith pushed her back against the pillows, "but Mark was worried about you, he's been trying to call you and couldn't reach you."

"My phone," Lexie looked around, if a bit disoriented, "it's… maybe, in my purse…didn't hear."

"It's ok," Meredith said. "He was concerned and I was coming home…"

"You're home…and Derek's ok…you left…I thought you were determined not to…"

"His mother," Meredith said, "is very bossy."

"I've heard," Lexie smiled, "from Mark…his stories…of them growing up."

"She's very motherly," Meredith said, "and it's hard getting used to that…"

"Mom," Lexie said as her eyes watered, "would have been the same…if she was here…she cared for you Meredith…she'd have wanted to take care of us…both of us…"

"I know," Meredith said, and offering the same comfort she too needed, reached out to hug her sister. "I know. Now, let's call Mark, so he can go into surgery without any worries."

"I'm sorry," Lexie said after she spoke to Mark, "he made you come home…now his sisters are here…and you have to talk to them…and…Nancy," she lowered her voice, "hasn't always been the nicest…do you want me go downstairs with you?"

"No," Meredith told her. "You get some sleep. I'll be ok with them."

"Meredith," Lexie insisted, "I'll come with you…"

"You get some sleep, we both need that," she told her sister, partly to avoid yet someone else finding out about her miscarriage; hoping she could avoid the conversation with Derek's sisters, yet intuitively knowing it wasn't going to be postponed.

"Meredith," Lexie said as she was drifting off to sleep again, "I love you."

"I love you too," Meredith told her and closed the door behind her, determined, that as soon as things settled down, Lexie should move into Izzie's old room, and not live in the attic.

"Is everything ok?" Nancy asked as Meredith joined them in the living room.

"Yes… Lexie spoke with Mark. Her phone was off and she's gone back to sleep."

"Meredith," Kathleen spoke. "It's hard to separate the doctor from the sister in law, but, I was thinking…it's the first time you've been home since the shooting…it's bound to be hard and if there's anything we can, please, don't hesitate to ask us."

"Thank you," Meredith smiled at her. "I'm fine…really…and I'll drive you to the hotel now."

"Meredith," Nancy hesitated, "before we go, we'd like to talk to you."

"It's late…and I don't want to hold you up…and I have to do so much here…and…"

"Meredith," Kathleen walked up to her and gently led her to the couch. "Since we got here…Nancy and I…we've noticed there's something wrong. There's such sadness in your eyes, and Derek's going to be fine, so it's not that…and we'd like to help…we both would."

"It's nothing…" Meredith responded, "just…a lot of emotions and…he could have died…and I keep thinking about it…the images…they just won't leave me…" she wasn't lying, diverting the attention for the heartbreaking loss causing the sadness reflected in her eyes.

"Meredith," Nancy said, "I know our first meeting wasn't great…but I hope…we will get past it, that it won't interfere with a relationship in the future."

"It's…in the past," Meredith told her. "We can move on."

"I hope so," Nancy told her. "I really do, because we think we can help… with what you're going through."

"It's good," Meredith told her, attempting at all cost to avoid the inevitable subject. "That you're here, it's been really good for Derek…that his family is here."

"Mom," Nancy said, as Kathleen listened, "is convinced she's been good for you too."

"She has," Meredith said quietly, her eyes watering involuntarily.

"Meredith," Kathleen reached for her hand, "Mike Cameron…" she paused, willing Meredith to meet her gaze, "he's your doctor…there was no patient…was there?"

Meredith's silence and the almost inaudible intake of breath, followed by her lips trembling was all the confirmation Kathleen and Nancy needed that something was indeed wrong, as both sisters locked gazes and waited.

"Meredith," Kathleen said gently, Meredith's hand still in hers. "What's wrong?"

"He…" Meredith said, "he…" emotions taking over completely before tears began to fall, "doesn't know…Derek doesn't know…"

"What doesn't he know…Meredith," Kathleen asked, unsure what could possibly be so wrong.

"There was no time," Meredith said quietly, "and now…when I tell him…it's already too late."

"What do you need to tell him," Nancy asked, thinking the worst from the look on her sister in law's face.

"No time…" Meredith repeated, "no time at all…"

"Time for what," Kathleen asked gently. "Meredith…there's always time…"

"Not this time…" she said and remained quiet.

"Are you sick?" Nancy dreaded asking that question, praying there was nothing wrong. Derek deserved happiness. Surely, she wasn't talking about anything terminal; she paused, pushing dark thoughts away. "Is that why you saw Mike?"

"He doesn't know…" Meredith repeated, her fingers nervously rubbing against her wrist.

"What doesn't Derek know?" Nancy insisted, yet Meredith met Kathleen's gaze.

"I found out that day…that morning," Meredith spoke quietly, "and he was so busy…I was going to tell him, when we came home…and then…it was done…" a sob escaped her, "it was all done…gone …and he didn't have a chance to know."

Nancy gasped softly, meeting Kathleen's gaze, both sister's beginning to understand.

"Meredith," Kathleen looked in her eyes, her own glistening with tears, "were you pregnant?"

"Oh God," Meredith couldn't control the sob. "I needed for him to know…and…he was so busy and then…that …that…he was shot…" she couldn't go on as she broke down and Kathleen held her, allowing her own tears to fall as she met Nancy's own tearful gaze, yet words remained unspoken.

"Meredith," Nancy said a while later, both sisters at her side. "I made you some tea. It's chamomile, this will be good for you."

"Derek," Meredith said quietly, "please…don't say anything…no one else should know, I should have made sure…I need to tell him. I have to be the one…but not yet…I can't…not while he's..."

"Neither of us," Nancy told her, "will say anything. But, Meredith, I'm really a good doctor," she tried to joke, "even if a bit bitchy…"

Meredith smiled, "I know…you are," and then stopped herself, "I mean a good doctor."

"I'm bitchy too," Nancy told her. "And you certainly are entitled to have that opinion, but I can be a really good sister too. Aren't I Kathleen?"

"Well…" Kathleen tried to make light of things as well.

"Nancy," Meredith said. "I know you are…even," she was honest, "if I did think you were…bitchy…that first time…I know you care. Few sisters would fly across the country just for a few hours to see their brother…to make sure he was ok."

"Believe me," Kathleen said, "we'd all have been here…but figured it was better just to send one of us out here."

"You won't say anything," Meredith asked again, the concern evident as she bit her lower lip.

"We won't," both replied.

"Thank you," Meredith offered a small smile. "He…it's not going to be easy…telling him."

"He's not going to be happy," Nancy said. "That he couldn't help you…"

"There was nothing to do…nothing he could do…it happened so fast," Meredith stated.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kathleen asked, trying not to intrude.

Meredith shook her head, "so…so much…"

"Mom will kill us," Nancy said as she noticed the younger woman's absolute exhaustion, "if you don't get some rest...you should do that, we can talk another time…and Meredith, anyway that we can help…"

"I can't sleep," Meredith said unexpectedly and sought Kathleen's gaze, "every night…I try to avoid sleep…nightmares;" she spoke, without thinking, and without analyzing or trying to avoid, she began. "I found out that morning," she said as she relived those moments, "I couldn't believe it…Derek would be so happy…we weren't trying, we'd agreed to wait…but…" she paused, thinking of how happy she realized she had been when she told Cristina; Cristina's shock at her reaction, and then went to tell Derek…she continued telling the story, every detail, a purging of emotions, and all three women cried at the horror Meredith had lived through.

"Meredith," Kathleen said, "honey you don't have to tell us all tonight…you're very upset."

"I do," Meredith wiped away the tears, "it helps…a little…maybe the nightmares will go away."

"Nightmares," Kathleen soothed, "often are just a reflection of our fears…"

"He's so angry," Meredith said, "he's so angry with me…"

"He's not going to be angry with you," Nancy said. "Meredith my brother loves you. We all can see that."

"Nancy is right," Kathleen told her. "He may be upset, if I know him, he will be, because he would have wanted to help you…through all of this…"

"It's better," Meredith said somewhat detached, as if she could will it all away, "to finish…tell you all that's happened…" and she continued her story. "Then, that night…your Mom was with me. She came to check on me and woke me… I was hemorrhaging…and…"

"Mom…" Nancy whispered, "knows…"

"She was with me," Meredith paused, "she wouldn't leave me…during the D& C."

"Oh good God," Kathleen wasn't able to suppress her reaction, "Meredith…honey…I'm sorry…so sorry…"

The minutes ticked by as Meredith revealed the rest of the story, including what transpired in the operating room, the most painful details Meredith had kept from Carolyn Shepherd, and the three women's relationship was forever changed.

Meredith began to understand the deep bond between the Shepherd siblings as her heart began to heal in very small ways as Derek's sisters' comfort conveyed genuine concern, though until she shared the loss she suffered with him, true healing would elude her. Nancy offered unconditional support in the only way she knew, reassurances that it need not happen again, that there could be other successful pregnancies; Kathleen forgot any and all reserves that may have influenced her thoughts and the family's about Meredith, and opened her heart to her brother's wife, and as she witnessed the vulnerability, one she knew too well, vowed to be a friend to this woman her brother so clearly loved, and now, unexpectedly, shared a loss very few knew about.

"Meredith," Nancy said, "we're going to call a cab…will you be ok?"

Meredith looked at her watch absently before reacting. "It's so late…I'm sorry…for keeping you here so late…I've imposed on you so long…"

"Meredith," Kathleen told her, "you haven't imposed…we knew something was wrong…and wanted to be here."

"I don't know…" Meredith said truthfully, "what came over me…so much talking…"

"It makes it easier for us to be there for you," Kathleen said. "Even if Mom's going to be annoyed with me."

"Why?" Meredith asked.

"She told me," Kathleen explained, "to leave the psychiatrist at home and to respect your privacy. Meredith, we didn't mean to make you talk to us before you were ready. I just seemed that you should not be coming home alone for the first time since the …shooting."

"Your Mom…" Meredith paused, "Carolyn…she's been very supportive…"

"She's overwhelming," Nancy said, "we know…we can tell her to stop…"

Meredith continued, "she's been caring and kind and…motherly…I've never had that."

"Well," Kathleen told her as she smiled, "you better get used to it…including the bossy, dictatorial Mom, because she's definitely taken you under her wing. Meredith…she's very happy that you and Derek found each other…trust us…she'd never have given her ring to Addie, but with you…she told us…"

"Her ring," Meredith mumbled, "I'm sorry…I am…that it seems I didn't appreciate what she did…but I didn't know…Derek…he didn't tell me…"

Nancy interrupted, "as you can see, that hasn't mattered to her. Meredith," her sister in law provided advice, "you'll find that Mom is actually very open minded in many things, she knows life is not black and white…she's been forced to accept that…and as much as we don't want to see her ways," she paused and smiled, "don't ever tell her this…we do agree on many things."

"I can see," Meredith told Nancy, "how important family is to her…to all of you …"

"We don't always see eye to eye," Kathleen said, "as you've witnessed with Amy…but, we care…deeply for each other."

"You love each other," Meredith responded.

"Yes," Kathleen said, "we certainly do…"

Without further discussion things unfolded naturally; both Shepherd sisters spending the night; both concerned for the newest member of their family and talking past the midnight hour after insisting Meredith get to bed.

Meredith, surprisingly, slept that night, physical and mental exhaustion finally catching up with her, and in the late morning hours was greeted by a light knock on her door; Kathleen announcing breakfast to Meredith's shock at the late hour, and regret she had not been up early at the hospital. The day began with new found and further strengthened familial bonds as the Shepherd and Grey siblings shared the first of many breakfasts together.

_A/N – another note… by now, if you've been reading this or some of my other stories, you know I'm partial to writing about families, perhaps, because I've been blessed with mine. I've tried to write this following a logical (yes, I know, it won't ever happen on Grey's) progression…a sequential of order of how things might have unfolded after the accident, if his family had been there, and there was no option in my mind but to give Meredith the family she never had growing up, and the support I feel she deserves which Rhimes will never allow us to see on our screens._


	17. Chapter 17

_A/N 6/26 Thanks to each of you that remains interested and graciously took the time to leave a comment, it is most appreciated. Debated about posting chapter, but, decided something was better than nothing, as I have not had time to write in weeks and spent a few hours today. Expect Chapter 18 will be posted after July 4__th__ holiday and probably 3 more chapters to complete. Warm regards, Jasmin_

_**Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 17 - Familial Bonds **_

_Meredith, surprisingly, slept that night, physical and mental exhaustion finally catching up with her, and in the late morning hours was greeted by a light knock on her door; Kathleen announcing breakfast to Meredith's shock at the late hour, and regret she had not been up early at the hospital. The day began with new found and further strengthened familial bonds as the Shepherd and Grey siblings shared the first of many breakfasts together. _

The next few days would follow the previously set pattern; Derek never left alone for long, with the presence of Meredith and Shepherd women. Meredith insisted the day following her revelations to his sisters that Carolyn stay at the hotel, and the three older Shepherd women complied. That night, she spent with Maggie and Amelia and learned more about the younger siblings' childhood and their relationship with Derek.

Confident Derek was on the path to full recovery his sisters began their plans to head back home. But, two days later, the night before Nancy's departure; the first sister, followed by Amy and Maggie, Derek insisted Carolyn and Meredith spend the night away from the hospital.

Derek's energy was drained after a full day of therapy; the ability to handle steps a looming prerequisite to going home, yet as tired as he was, he couldn't ignore the vulnerability in his wife's gaze. "Meredith," Derek said quietly, it was just them for now, his family had gone to dinner and Meredith had conceded to going home to sleep again, but stayed with Derek during their dinner. "I'm going home…in four days…and I feel like," he shook his head and closed his eyes.

"Derek," Meredith asked softly, "what's wrong? Aren't you feeling well?"

"That," he opened his eyes and held her gaze, "is what I'd like to know…you're keeping something from me…you look tired…I can tell you're not sleeping…"

"I'm fine," she said much too quickly, "and…"

"Don't," he stopped her. "I want you to be honest with me…please."

"Derek…" she paused, part of her wanting to tell him, wanting to be honest and finally be able to let go of the secret she knew, especially now, would devastate him; wanting to be in his arms and gain strength from his love for her, but his recovery, both physically and emotionally was infinitely more important than hers. "I just need for you to be ok…to come home…"

"Meredith," he insisted, "don't you understand… I look at you and know something is making you sad…what are you keeping from me?"

"I almost lost you…" she told him, revealing true emotions that he couldn't dispute, "and it's overwhelming…what you're going through…"

"You went through it too…I don't know the extent of it…but even Cristina couldn't lie…"

"Cristina," Meredith asked defensively, "what are you talking about? What did she tell you?"

"She didn't tell me anything," he reached for her hand, "that's the problem."

"I'm ok," she leaned in to brush his lips with hers, "really…if you're ok…that's all that matters."

He shook his head, "I need for you to trust me…whatever is bothering you…"

"I trust you," she said, "please…don't doubt that…right now, I'm just dealing with a lot of emotions…and all," she admitted truthfully, as her dreams, her fears, were all related to this, "is about you being ok…my fear of losing you…I need you Derek," her eyes watered, "the thought of losing you…I can't…"

Derek wiped a lone tear away from her face. "I'm not going anywhere," his thumb gently caressed her face, "remember…our vows…this is forever…"

"I love you," she told him and smiled, except, he saw the melancholy, "will love you always….remember that," she said, and prayed he would never forget.

"Derek," his sister Maggie teased, when just the siblings were in his room; Carolyn and Meredith on their way to their respective destinations. "I never thought I'd say this…but, you're just like Mom."

"Take that back," he joked; he'd missed his sisters, and was glad they were there.

"I've no idea," Maggie told him, "how you managed to get Mom and Meredith to go home."

"Years of observation," he told her and smiled, but Nancy noticed his demeanor.

"Derek," Nancy said, "you're tired. You don't need to pretend for any of us…and I have to get to the airport very early and we both can use some sleep ..."

"Want to talk to you," he said in a serious tone, "all of you."

"Ok," Nancy said, while his other sisters exchanged glances.

"I wanted to thank you… for the way you've treated Meredith, the last few days…she's never had family…and all of you," as he talked he also realized that there had been a definite change, albeit subtle, in the relationship between Meredith and his older sisters, "you've been very accepting of us…and you were right Amy…we're not legally married. But, to us…it doesn't matter…she's my wife…and nothing will change our commitment to each other."

"Derek," Maggie said, "you don't have to explain. We've seen you two together, and all of us agree with Mom. Meredith's the one for you."

"Derek," Nancy told him, "we're not going to pry over that …you don't have to worry."

"Amy," Derek addressed them all, "what she said…it hurt Meredith…and I need you to understand."

"Derek," Amy said, "I apologized to her…I did…"

"I know," Derek said. "But, there's more…I need to clear my conscience."

"Derek," Maggie said, "you don't owe us explanations …your marriage, it works for you."

"Meredith," he said, "made me promise…" he remembered the day, after his Mom had left his room, when he'd wanted to tell his mother about his drunken behavior. "Not to tell Mom, but I need to tell you, something I'm not proud of…so you can understand…"

"Derek," Kathleen said. "If Meredith doesn't want you to say anything…you don't have to betray her confidence," she felt like a hypocrite saying that, given all she knew.

"It's what I did…how I …" he said, and choked up. "I betrayed and sullied the memory of Mom and Dad…their love for each other…"

"Derek," Maggie said, "what…are you talking about…Mom and Dad loved each other. You can't," she became emotional, "you can't doubt that…"

"They did," Derek said, and began to explain in detail what transpired that night; his remorse over one of the most shameful moments of his relationship with Meredith, "and then…after…I said all that…hurt her like that…I took the ring…and batted it away …"

"Oh my God," Nancy was the first to react.

"Derek," Maggie whispered softly, tears gathered in her eyes, "how…how could you…"

"Daddy's ring," Amy gave in to well hidden emotions and tears shone in her eyes, "you…did that…to Mom's ring…"

"It's," Derek began to say, "I told you…" he said, and became slightly out of breath, "had to tell you…Meredith…she…" and he lifted his hands and covered his face in shame.

"Derek," Kathleen was by his side, her hand on his shoulder, and spoke softly, "Meredith has obviously forgiven all of that…you can't hold on to …"

"She," Derek shook his head before removing his hands from his face, "Meredith… "forgives…everything…even when I let her down…over and over…"

"Derek," Kathleen insisted, she was concerned as she'd looked over the vital signs on the monitor's display, "she loves you…I think she's put that behind you…we've talked…"

"You…all of you," he said, without meaning to be accusatory, "you judged her…Amy came in here and," he looked at his younger sister, "implied she didn't wear Mom's ring because she wanted something better…"

"Derek…" Amy said again, "I apologized…and I meant it."

"Can't you see," he looked at his sisters, "how could she even want to wear that ring…when it didn't mean enough to me to respect what it represented," he pursed his lips. "How was she to know what it meant to Mom… when I took it…and made a mockery of their marriage …"

"Enough," Nancy stepped in, his blood pressure had continued on increase, and she was not taking any chances by allowing the conversation to continue.. "That was months ago and obviously Meredith has not let it interfere with the two of you building a life together…so stop it…you've enough ahead to deal with…"

"I needed…" Derek insisted, "wanted, you to understand…she's not like Amy said…and all of you made assumptions about her…all the time."

"Derek," Amy interrupted him, "we've all seen that…we've spent the last few days with her, and you're right she's very forgiving. But most of all, Addie was right about what's between you."

"I love her." Derek stated. "I don't want to live my life without her."

"You're not going to." Kathleen stated emphatically.

"I told Mom and Mark if anything happens to me…"

"Derek Christopher," Maggie reprimanded in her well-practiced mom's tone, "stop it right now. Nothing's going to happen to you. You are recuperating quicker than expected, going home in a few days. So… just …"

"Maggie," Derek said to his sister. "I don't want her to be alone…even in the future…if something happens to me…please…be there for her."

"Derek," Kathleen said, "she's your wife, we'll be there, even if nothing happens to you…" she smiled at him, "we may even take her side …when you're…brainless," she told him.

"Something's wrong," Derek said somberly as he found his older sister's gaze; the two siblings that understood each other best; the two that with just a look could interpret each other's emotions.

Maggie was the first sister to jump in, concern registered in her face, "what…are you talking about…you're not feeling well, Derek…tell us."

No," Derek stated. "Meredith. Something's wrong with her and she won't talk to me."

"Derek," Maggie walked closer to him, pulled on his ear.

"You pulled my ear," Derek frowned.

"I know," she leaned in and kissed his cheek, "just like Ma or Aunt Pat would have, because Kathleen's right…Meredith will need our help when you are your typically brainless…and brooding self…"

"I've been thinking," Derek ignored her comments. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that Meredith was keeping something from him; something that was responsible for the sadness in her eyes; sadness that had become a part of her since he'd woken from surgery. "Maybe…now that she's found out about the ring and how much it means to Mom, maybe she's doubting my feelings…that it wasn't important enough to tell her…she tries to hide it, but I know her…" he paused, his hand covering his eyes, then lingering momentarily over his mouth before he shook his head, "there's something she's keeping from me…and she's trying to hide it."

"She's gone through a very traumatic event," Kathleen told him, "it's natural for her to be feeling the way she is, the sadness will go away Derek, once you're home…and she accepts that you're going to recuperate completely."

"So…you've noticed," he kept his gaze on Kathleen, "it's not just my imagination."

"It's not," Kathleen said, not wanting to outright lie. "She'll talk to you…give her time."

"She's talked to you?" Derek asked as Nancy opened her eyes wide at Kathleen.

"I'm a psychiatrist Derek," Kathleen told him, "I wouldn't' be very good if I didn't notice."

"What can I do?" Derek asked his older sister. "She won't talk to me."

"Derek," Nancy said, "we all deal with things differently."

"She's right," Amy said, "look at us…you and me…we were there…" she took a deep breath, before continuing, "with Daddy…" Derek reached for her hand. "How long it's taken…for us…"

"Amy," he spoke tenderly to her, "it's in the past…we agreed…we move forward."

"But," his youngest sister said, "I'm only trying to help…letting you know…sometimes, we just need a hug…that's all," she said, and felt him tug at her and hugged her as best he could with bed rails and monitors attached to him; years of estrangement in the past, as brother and sister continued the inevitable road to healing when love remained the guiding force of misunderstood actions.

The Shepherd siblings continued to share hours of emotional childhood recollections, and then he and Nancy spent a few minutes alone at the crack of dawn, before it was time for her to leave for the airport.

"We'll see you in a few months," Nancy told him, "don't you dare renege on this…I'm telling the kids as soon as I get home and you better not…"

"I'll be there…"

"You better be," she failed at hiding her emotions as her voice broke. "Derek…don't you dare let anything happen to you…"

"I won't," he squeezed her hand. "Thanks…for coming…"

"You're my baby brother," Nancy said, eyes glittering. "I love you."

"Me too," he said, as she hugged him goodbye.

The days that followed continued their now familiar routine, and as it was time for his sisters to go home, each individually shared an emotional farewell with their brother.

"Amelia," Derek said, "LA is not so far away…"

"Derek," his sister smiled. "Amy's fine…when it's just us…family…"

"Amy," he smiled tenderly at her, "don't stay away…"

"Meredith," Amy told him, "told me I should visit…when the house is done."

"Really," he said absently, "she didn't tell me."

"You'd mind?" His sister asked; part of her afraid of his answer.

"I'd like that," he smiled and then joked. "Try not to cross any more renowned mentors," he referred to her first case in Los Angeles, the one she'd shared with him. "Maybe…one day we can work on some cases together…but," he began to say.

"Yes," Amy smiled at him, "I know, as long as I don't contradict your irrefutable and far wiser medical knowledge…"

"That's right," he said, and they laughed, both grateful for their reconciliation. "I'll see you at home…in a few months," he added hesitantly.

"You will," she smiled and leaned in to kiss his cheek and hug him, part of her never wanting to let go; wanting to feel the protective strength of the brother she loved, and that without any doubts she knew loved her.

"Amy," he said as she reached the door, and partially turned around, "you can come visit, anytime…even if our house's not ready." Then, she quickly made her way to his side and hugged him one more time.

"I'm not," she sniffled, "going to let you to turn me into Maggie and become a sentimental dripping faucet. Don't you dare tell anyone, especially Yang, I bet her I'm much more hard core."

"I've missed you," Derek kissed her forehead, "my tart tongued," he teased, "dripping faucet."

"I love you," Amy told him. "Don't you dare…ever…scare us like that again."

"Come visit," he said affectionately, "don't wait till we go home."

"Meredith may want to wait…Yang and Mark have joked enough about the frat house."

"Meredith won't mind," he was certain, "she's all about taking in strays…"

"Ass," Amy replied before walking away with a smile; her heart less heavy, her soul less damaged.

"Mary Margaret," Derek said much later as he looked up at her standing by the door.

"You know I hate that," his sister glared at him as it was her turn to say goodbye.

"I know," he said, their gazes meeting and immediately becoming blurred. "I kept thinking…of each of you…how I may never see you again," he had to pause, his voice choked by emotions, "never tease you or argue with you again…"

"Oh, Derek," she gave in to her tears freely, always the most visibly emotional of all. "I was so scared," she admitted, "so scared…flying here…praying constantly…that it wouldn't be like Daddy…"

"Me too," he admitted; he'd prayed…begged the God of his childhood as he lay on the cold hospital floor, feeling his life begin to slip away from him. Flashes of memories…first his Dad, as his life had slipped away…Mom…his sisters…and then Meredith …an answered prayer to see her, one last time, was by his side, begging him to stay with her…and the memories became the present; the present where only Meredith mattered, where living for her, choosing to live for her, was all that mattered.

"Ma," Maggie wiped away her tears, "will kill me…if she thinks I've upset you."

"Ma," Derek smiled at her, a tender smile similar to the way he'd looked at Amy, but, theirs spoke of a lifetime of secrets; a lifetime of supporting each other. "knows you're her watering pot, it's expected."

Maggie laughed softly, "I wasn't the only one, your wife …"

"Meredith's not like that," he pondered, though it was impossible to ignore his wife's recent vulnerability and how quickly and often tears gathered in her eyes.

"Cristina," Maggie filled him in, "is very vocal that Meredith used to be hard core and you've turned her into a chatty softy wife."

"Mer's not chatty," Derek argued.

"You've spent a lot of time sleeping," Maggie told him, "and we had nothing to do but chat," she smiled, " she especially loved Mom's childhood stories…when you were a baby," she revealed, "that's when she was most sentimental."

"Maggie," Derek said after she'd finished talking, "how are you? Really?"

"Now," his sister said, "that I've seen you and that you're ok…just perfect."

"Maggie," he insisted, "that's not what I'm talking about."

After a long pause in conversation, she answered. "I didn't think it was possible," expectedly tears gathered, "to overcome our problems…but Derek…John and I are happier than we've ever been…you helped us see that…that our marriage was worth fighting for…"

"You loved each other," Derek said quietly, though their gazes locked, "had a beautiful family."

"We do," Maggie smiled, "and your youngest godchild," she wiped her tears away, "after all we went through…was the most amazing and unexpected blessing…daddy's little girl."

"She's beautiful," Derek said, he too, just a bit melancholy. "I can't wait to come home."

"She knows all about her Uncle Derek," Maggie told him, "her godfather, that's far away in God's tewwitory."

"She overheard Nancy's God forsaken territory description," he chuckled, "I take it."

"She's been a little sponge since she was born, nosy as hell…like her aunts."

"Not her Mommy," he joked.

"She's sensitive like me," Maggie defended, "and my own little watering pot or dripping faucet like Aunt Pat and Amy would say. But she didn't get the nosy Maloney trait from me," she smiled. "Her aunts and uncle were responsible."

"Maggie," he said, when he realized the time together was coming to an end, that it was the last night she'd be there. "I'm glad you're happy…that it all worked out."

"You know," she told him; the first time they'd discussed the subject, "when you left New York nobody could understand how you'd been so supportive of John and me, of our working on our problems…saving our marriage…yet you left and then the divorce…"

"I came home," he stated, "and found her in bed with Mark…I couldn't look at her…" he shared his innermost feelings with his sister. "Eventually, I realized it could never work out, the trust was gone, the love wasn't there anymore."

"And," she said softly, "you were in love with Meredith."

"She was not responsible," he said defensively.

"I'm only stating the obvious, Derek," Maggie assured him. "Ma's right. She's good for you, she's who you need to share your life with…and as you said, John and I still loved each other, were in love with each other, in spite of our problems…and we had a family."

"A beautiful family," he smiled.

"Speaking of which…" Maggie smiled at her brother, "are the two of you planning to add a Shepherd grandchild?"

"I hope so," he told her. "We've decided to wait a bit…but… soon…maybe."

"Just don't tell her," Maggie laughed softly, "that Shepherd twins are long overdue…"

"Don't tell her that," Derek's eyes widened, "she's considering one…just one."

"I can't wait," she told him, "and don't worry… I won't say a word. Now let's get some sleep," and after making sure her brother was comfortable, she lay back on the recliner and kept vigil one last time as she held the silver rosary, and unlike the desperate prayers on the flight to Seattle, offered thanks.

With Maggie's departure the following morning, a week after his accident, only Kathleen and Carolyn remained in Seattle.

"Meredith," Derek cocked his head as he sat by her side on the couch in the adjoining room. "I've been thinking," he smiled.

"About what," she smiled back, her fingers laced with his. He'd been exhausted after the day's physical therapy and the stairs he'd been required to manage before being released. He'd neglected to tell them there were far more steps at home.

"Since Mom's going to be staying a few weeks to…help out… you may want to come back to work, if she's home…it could be a little overwhelming…"

Her hand slipped away from his, "you're coming home," she didn't look at him, "and you don't want me…with you?"

"Of course," he lifted her chin, cupped her face, "I want you with me…but…Meredith, Ma's really intense sometimes …and bossy…and…"

"She likes me," Meredith said quietly. "You think…" she paused, doubts resurfacing after years of expected abandonment, "did she tell you she doesn't want me around all day…and you're saying…"

Derek placed his lips on hers, kissed her tenderly. "If…you'd let me finish…my thought," he smiled, and continued to brush her lips with his, gently, lovingly, "I was thinking… you've lost time away from surgery…Ma's here, you wouldn't be worried about me...and we could save up that time…for later," his gaze held hers, "we should plan…for when he have babies…"

"Babies…" she whispered, heartbreak involuntary reflected on her face.

"One baby…" he repeated his original response. "We'll see how that goes…"

"I know," she placed her lips on his, eyes closed, trying to hide her overwhelming sadness, and then she hugged him and lay her head gently on his shoulder.

"Meredith," he kissed the top of her head, misjudging her reaction. "We'll wait…till you're ready…"

"Ok," she answered, afraid to say anything else. But that one word spoke volumes and Derek turned her face to his.

"You've changed your mind?" He asked; his heart heavy in anticipation of her answer.

"No," she looked at him teary eyed, and shook her head in denial. "I almost lost you…and I kept thinking…you wanted kids…and I realized how important it was…how important it is…"

"Hey," he soothed, "it's ok…we're in no rush…"

"Dr. Shepherd," Teddy Altman walked in, followed by Cristina and a handful of interns, effectively interrupting the conversation. "Are you ready to go home?"

"I can't wait," Derek told her, reaching for Meredith's hand.

"I expect you'll go home tomorrow, after your therapy," Altman told him, and allowed Cristina to lead the review of his chart; her protégée leaving no detail to chance in regard to Derek Shepherd's recovery.

Meredith closed her eyes briefly as Cristina spoke, the weight of the world on her shoulders. The unexpected charade was nearing its end with Derek's homecoming. There was no way she would be able to keep her nightmares from him, unless she slept in another room, and that wasn't an option.

"You're coming home," Meredith said softly and smiled at him, his hand in hers, her thumb gently caressing the top of his, telling him she loved him, the way he'd done when his voice was silenced; now, she did the same, afraid of what her voice would reveal.

Derek detected the change immediately, wanting desperately to understand her obvious burden, and grateful he was going home; grateful for being alive, for his family, for Meredith, his breath of fresh air suddenly turned dark and twisty again; grateful for the privacy of their home and the chance to uncover her sadness and promise her a lifetime, promise her forever again.

Meredith, instinctively embraced years of abandonment, and compounded by recent nightmares, failed to silence her deepest fears; that Derek would not forgive her, that he'd blame her for the miscarriage and that soon the knowledge of her secret would be revealed. The fear of his disappointment (in her) about the heartbreaking loss made her heart grow heavy with sadness, and her soul silently mourned the past that regrettably still had the power to haunt her.

Fate, though Carolyn Shepherd would say God, smiled down on the couple fated to be together for a lifetime, the omnipotent knowledge of their future certain to be a reflection of a loving mother's faith and prayers.


	18. Chapter 18

_A/N February 21, 2012 – Thanks to all that remained interested in this story, and my apologies for not writing this chapter sooner. Two things bothered me in regard to Derek's shooting, Meredith's miscarriage and the subsequent handling of the situation. First, I fully expected Rhimes would fall back on the proclaimed brilliance of her "full circle" storylines, and that his sisters/mother would be there in the life and death situation Derek faced. Second, it still is incomprehensible to me that the revelation of the miscarriage, admitted by one of Grey writer to have been Meredith's Deepest Injury of the season finale, was dismissed in seconds, and then the way it was handled from medical terms... well, let's just say, Google has more insight than what was attempted to be sold to us MD fans on screen. _

_I know nothing about therapy after heart surgery. However, the story is not about that, but the emotions and aftermath of the surgery and miscarriage. My limited experience is based on my Dad's open heart surgery, but he was much older than Derek, and we did have a therapist that came to the house every day; whatever happened at the hospital after Dad's surgery is a blur, and he was there more than ten days. Please don't hold me to the medical accuracy, I tried to write it in such a way that it would seem plausible._ _Rest of author note appears at chapter's end._

_**Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 18 - Devastating nightmares**_

_Ch 17 where it ended: Derek detected the change immediately, wanting desperately to understand her obvious burden, and grateful he was going home; grateful for being alive, for his family, for Meredith, his breath of fresh air suddenly turned dark and twisty again; grateful for the privacy of their home and the chance to uncover her sadness and promise her a lifetime, promise her forever again._

_Meredith, instinctively embraced years of abandonment, and compounded by recent nightmares, failed to silence her deepest fears; that Derek would not forgive her, that he'd blame her for the miscarriage and that soon the knowledge of her secret would be revealed. The fear of his disappointment (in her) about the heartbreaking loss made her heart grow heavy with sadness, and her soul silently mourned the past that regrettably still had the power to haunt her._

_Fate, though Carolyn Shepherd would say God, smiled down on the couple fated to be together for a lifetime, the omnipotent knowledge of their future certain to be a reflection of a loving mother's faith and prayers._

Derek's homecoming was bittersweet for Meredith; euphoric that he had survived and was home, yet conflicted by hormones playing havoc on emotions that threatened to crumble her façade as she parked the car as close to the house as possible, the rarely used kitchen entrance, but all she could remember was the unfulfilled promise of a night ruled by passion, if she'd had the chance to tell him of her pregnancy.

"Mer," Derek teased her when she didn't make an attempt to move after releasing her seatbelt. "As fond as I am of us...spending time in cars...I don't think there's going to be dirty sex for a while...but I'm game to try...as soon as..."

"What..." Meredith turned quickly to him, and he caught a glimpse of tears in her eyes, he'd almost read her mind, except, her thoughts focused on what could have been.

"Meredith," her name a caress as he reached for her hand, the now familiar message of his love for her, another reminder of the shooting. "Tell me what's wrong. Please..."

"Nothing," she denied too quickly, and he closed his eyes and shook his head involuntarily. "I thought it would be good, to sit here for a few minutes, before you try such a long walk."

"I've been sitting since we left the hospital," Derek told her, his voice defeated by his inability to offer the comfort he was certain she needed, yet unaware she was already programed for his disappointment in her; for the possibility of his abandonment.

"Are you angry with me?" She asked, and the couple, who excelled at miscommunication at the worst of times, proceeded to misinterpret the other.

"No," he looked at her. "But, I wish you would trust me," his eyes, as revealing as hers were to him, unable to hide his deepest emotions.

"Of course I trust you," her voice was soft and gentle. "I love you...I'm just worried about you."

"I'm fine," he interrupted; frustrated by her silence about whatever was causing the sadness etched in her gaze for days. "Let's go in," and they made a slow approach to the house.

"Do you need to rest," Meredith said solicitously, detecting the slight change in his breathing, then the sharp intake of breath, and then his hand reached for her grasping it tightly, and he stopped and met her gaze.

"I..." he paused, and she grew alarmed. But, their silent communication comforted her, as his eyes watered; his emotions almost exactly as hers on the night she'd come home with his sisters. "I...almost...didn't...I almost... left you...alone..."

"Oh, Derek," she bit her lip, but immediately pulled him closer to her, hugging him as tightly as she could without causing discomfort, the full weight of his body on hers. "You're here now, and you're ok...and we're together..." her voice was gentle and soothing. "I'm not alone," she said, and her voice caught, her words laced with sadness as she remembered the morning he'd brought up having children, "you're here..."

"I love you, Meredith," he held her, uncaring of the physical pain radiating through his body.

"I love you," she pulled back slightly, "so much," and brushed his lips tenderly before leading him to sit on the kitchen stool, and that was how his mother and sister found them.

"Mom," Kathleen said as she and Carolyn walked in the kitchen and Meredith stood by Derek who had cupped her face and was kissing her softly. "We should join the betting pool. With you here for three weeks, we'd make a nice bit of money."

"Go away," Derek dismissed her, and ran his hand through Meredith's hair, his thumb tracing her lips softly before brushing her lips once more.

"Derek," Meredith told him, "don't be rude," and was glad the next few days, with Carolyn and Kathleen present, would provide a small reprieve of the inevitable.

"Sweetheart," Carolyn approached, hugging her first, she needed to compose herself, or she'd slobber all over the fact that her son was home, and alive. Then, she kissed Derek's cheek before hugging him, careful not to cause discomfort. "He's perfected that throughout the years."

"Ma," Derek protested, "that's not the image I want you to paint for my wife."

"Little brother," Kathleen chuckled and went over to hug him as well, just as emotional as her mother, she'd chosen to tease him to deal with the overwhelming sense of relief that her brother was home. "You've done that all by yourself. Isn't that right Meredith," Kathleen smiled at her, "he doesn't need any help from us...and all his brainless actions."

"After some of the stories you told me, I definitely think we may have to start calling him McGrumpy," Meredith giggled, and smiled at him.

"You're the grumpy one...in the mornings," Derek teased back; pleased to see her easy rapport with his family, "well...except..." he raised an eyebrow suggestively and pulled on her hair playfully.

"Carolyn," Meredith ignored him, and the sexual innuendo, "it smells wonderful in here. What did you make?"

"One of Derek's favorite," his mother answered. "I also have a chocolate cake baking. I heard you like chocolate."

"You heard..." Meredith was taken aback. She couldn't remember the last time someone had cooked something because it was a favorite of hers. Perhaps, a vague childhood memories, when an aunt, the same one that kept asking say when, had made her favorite cookies.

"Meredith," Kathleen told her, "this is a die for chocolate cake...but she won't share her recipe with anyone but family;except she won't share with Dad's sister."

"I don't bake," Meredith answered, immediately interpreting Kathleen's comment as a warning no to ask for the recipe, "well...or cook either..."

Carolyn smiled at her. "I'm going to be here three weeks...and if you like this cake, I'll teach you how to make it, step by step."

"You're going to do what..." Kathleen said, "Ma... you haven't even done that with us, always throwing in some secret ingredient none of us can figure out. You're playing favorites Ma," she met her mother's gaze, acknowledging she understood exactly what she was doing, and approved.

"Mer," Derek said, "you'll learn that my sisters have a thing about favoritism..."

"We do not," Kathleen winked at Meredith, admitting there was some slight truth to the statement. "It's Mom's fault, well actually Aunt Mary started it."

"Kathleen," Derek said, "you're awfully chatty it appears...you've been telling stories..."

"So have you Derek, since you told your Mom about my love for chocolate," Meredith had his hand in hers, smiling at him. "What else did he say? Oh my God, you didn't tell her to bake did you? That would be so rude Derek..."

"Of course, he didn't," Carolyn told her. "Sweetheart, I wanted to do something special for his homecoming...and for you..." she touched Meredith's cheek, "our newest family member."

"Oh..." Meredith said, and Carolyn noticed the sentimental tears immediately, and knew it was due to the lingering effect of the pregnancy hormones. "Nobody's ever really done that for me...not since I was little..."

"Meredith," Kathleen told her, "expect lots of pampering from Mom while she's here. You and Derek will have her undivided attention."

"Mer," Derek told her, "pretty soon she's going to mention Ma playing favorites again."

"Meredith," Kathleen told her, "to get back to our other conversation, Derek has always been very chatty, annoyingly so," she taunted her brother playfully.

"That's not true," he defended, "I've always had to fight to get a word in..."

"Chatty," Kathleen smiled smugly.

"You're right," Meredith smiled, "he still is..."

"You never complained before," Derek told her.

"You make up for it in many ways," it was Meredith's turn to joke.

"Tease," he groaned, and pulled her to him. "It's not nice," he whispered, "when I can't do anything about it."

"But," Meredith teased back, enjoying these moments of playfulness, "it won't be for long."

"Kathleen," Carolyn said, "I believe you may be right. What was that last bet they were talking about at the hospital?"

"Ma," Derek said, "you can't be serious."

"Why not?" Carolyn asked. "Your aunt Pat certainly thinks it's ok to gamble, even if she pretends her addiction is only a venial sin, and has Father Dennison going along with her."

"You have an aunt," Meredith asked him, "that has a sinful addiction... to gambling?"

"She's a nun." Derek told her. "Ma's sister."

"Your sister is a nun, addicted," Meredith repeated incredulously, "to gambling."

Carolyn laughed. "Our black sheep."

"She's a troublemaker," Derek told Meredith. "You'll see when you meet her."

"A nun..." Meredith repeated, and one of the stories led to all of them laughing, and causing Derek a painful coughing attack, which prompted all three women to insist he get some rest.

"Carolyn," Meredith said when they'd settled him on the couch in his office, which had been arranged for his comfort on the first floor. "Kathleen, thank you for everything...I should have been the one to get the house ready... and..."

"Meredith," Carolyn Shepherd said quietly, "you were exactly where you needed to be. With your husband, at the hospital."

"Carolyn," Meredith bit her lip, "you know...we're not really...legally married..."

"You," Carolyn interrupted, "are his wife...in all ways that matter, and it is obviously very much a marriage, and if were a betting woman," she smiled at her daughter in law. "I'd bet it's a marriage that has lot more meaning than that of many couples that spend thousands of dollars on weddings and say vows that are long forgotten a few months later."

"Thank you," Meredith's eyes watered. "That means a lot to me... that you understand...that..."

"My son is happy," Carolyn told her. "You were the one," she smiled at Meredith. "He says you're his breath of fresh air...what more can a mother want for her son?"

"You know," Meredith sniffled, "you're all very sentimental sappy people..."

"We are not," Kathleen protested with a smile, "Maggie is," and with that, the Shepherd women sat nearby Derek, while he napped, and shared family anecdotes, until Carolyn noted how the inevitable, if unintentional, talk of his nieces and nephews was affecting Meredith's emotions, and insisted Meredith was to go upstairs and get some rest.

Derek had remained on the main floor of the house, delaying going to their bedroom as much as possible. He knew that once he went upstairs, it was unlikely he could handle the stairs every day. In fact, after an early dinner of his mother's home cooked meal, he was exhausted, as Meredith walked with him, one step at a time, by the time he reached the landing.

Meredith had a quick shower and got ready for bed, then walked back in the bedroom quietly, and checked on Derek who appeared to be sleeping, and went to sit on the chair by the window.

"Mer," Derek called out to her.

"Are you ok?" Meredith responded immediately. "Do you need anything?"

"You," he answered, and she sat next to him. "Why aren't you in bed?"

"I was going to read some journals and didn't want to disturb you," she told a half truth.

"It's," she heard the catch in his voice, "my first night home," and simultaneously his hand covered his eyes, and then the almost indiscernible quiver of his lips made her react instinctively.

"You're home," she said gently, and leaned into him to tenderly kiss his lips. "You're ok," and he reached for her; the dam of bottled up emotions breaking free at last.

"I thought," he took a deep breath, "I'd never see you again..." and he held her, his body in pain as he crushed her against him, "and I prayed," she felt the warmth of his tears, "like I never had before...not since Dad...that I would keep my promise..."

"You did," Meredith told him, and sensing his physical discomfort pulled back slightly, met his gaze and cupped his face with both hands. "I knew you would...I knew you would keep your promise..."

"Our last kiss," he shook his head, lips pursed, "it couldn't be our last kiss..."

"It was the first of many kisses...for the rest of our lives...and," she kissed him softly, "you'll never have to ask for one again," she smiled at him. "You're ok...Derek...and I'm holding you to your promise... of those 110 years..."

"I'm going to do my best," his thumb caressed her cheek, "to live up to that..."

"Me too," she smiled at him, wiped away her tears, the lack of power to stop them a common occurrence since the day he was shot, the day she lost their baby.

"And the rest," he smiled at her, "the house will get built soon, and when you're ready...we'll make a baby."

"What..." he'd spoken too quickly for her to mask her reaction to the mention of a baby.

"You've changed your mind..." he noticed it immediately, shock or regret mingled with sadness, he wasn't sure exactly how to describe the look on her face.

"No," she answered, reassuringly, but, the sadness that haunted her eyes was impossible to hide from him. "I haven't changed my mind."

"Meredith," his gaze was on hers, the whisper of her name an unspoken request that she share her feelings.

"I almost lost you," she told him, and knew she had to say more, "and I sat there, in the scrub room, during your surgery...praying...to that God...I was sure your mother prayed to...that you be safe...and I realized...how very much...I do want a family with you..."

"Your eyes," he insisted, "I see such sadness...what are you keeping from me?"

"I'm scared," Meredith admitted the partial truth, "so scared...that I'll lose you..."

"We've survived so much..." he assured her as he ran his fingers through her hair. "God," he told her, "it seems answered our prayers...I'm here...and I'm not going anywhere," and he kissed her softly, tenderly, and his lips made promises of his commitment and love for her.

Meredith, well aware of the discomfort he'd experience by holding her close to him, attempted to just lie next to him, but he told her he needed to hold her, feel her body close to his, that it was the best medicine he could have, and she teased him, telling him he was as sappy as his sisters.

"You don't mind," Derek commented, "that Mom and Kathleen have taken over?"

"It was really Kathleen," Meredith said. "She asked me if I objected to having a cleaning service come to the house, and your Mom wasn't having any part of it, but we can't have your Mom cleaning Derek, so I agreed with Kathleen...and she set it up, within hours, to have someone come before you came home, that's why she was here too...and then...she wouldn't even let me pay...she's taken care of it for the next 6 weeks...while you're home, that someone come here twice a week...which seems...ridiculous...and...I can..."

"Mer," he smiled. "That's Kathleen, I'm sure she said it's what families do."

"It is..." she sighed, and he heard contentment in her voice, "family."

"Yes," he agreed, drawing her closer, kissing the top of her head, "it is."

Meredith spent a night of vigil, not so much worried about his well-being; he was recuperating very well, but, she couldn't risk waking him with a nightmare she desperately wanted to avoid.

"Ma," Derek said early the next morning, as he'd forced himself to go downstairs. "Thanks for being here, and for the way you've accepted Meredith."

"Derek Christopher," she admonished, "a mother does not need thanks for taking care of her children," she stated, and he knew, she'd undoubtedly accepted his wife.

"Ma," Derek smirked, "I'm not a kid."

"That's debatable," Carolyn shrugged, "all of my children, and their friends often act that way."

"You're taking about Mark."

Carolyn Shepherd shook her head, "he's still acting like an immature horny teenager. What in the world is wrong with him...last time I was here, he and Lexie seemed to get along quite well."

"Manwhore," Derek offered as explanation, just as his sister walked in.

"Good morning," Kathleen smiled, and went to kiss her brother's cheek. "I see you're talking about Mark."

"Who else?" Derek commented.

"I drilled him," Kathleen said, "but he wouldn't budge about Lexie... but did tell me he knew he'd been wrong to want to rush her into accepting a grandchild...Ma...can you imagine..."

"I know dear," Carolyn said. "I did tell him I was proud of him, for owning up to his responsibility, even if I was not too pleased with him giving that girl money for an abortion."

"You're right Mom. He at least acted responsible when the girl showed up." Kathleen said, before asking where Meredith was.

"She didn't get much sleep last night," Derek told her. "Ma insisted she take a nap. She hasn't had much rest since this happened," he said absently, missing the look exchanged between his mother and sister.

"That's good," Kathleen said. "She needs some mothering."

"Yeah..." Derek said. "She's never had that," and the siblings and Carolyn spent time together, before the physical therapist arrived for what would become routine over the weeks that followed, and ultimately would require that he go to the hospital for more intensive and monitored workouts.

"Your Mom's really like a navy nurse," Meredith said later that afternoon when Derek was resting. Carolyn was adamant that Meredith rest that first week they were home. "She wouldn't let me help you when the physical therapist was here."

"She says you need to rest, you haven't done much of that...since that day..."

"I'm ok."

"Make sure of that..." Derek said, and noticing his exhaustion, she encouraged him to nap.

"Meredith," Kathleen knocked softly on the ajar bedroom door. "Mom wants you to have a snack. Join us," and the three women spent time together enjoying Carolyn's chocolate cake.

"I'm leaving tomorrow night," Kathleen said, "Kevin's ready for me to come home."

"Kevin's ready..." Carolyn chuckled, "or you've been away from that boy too long?"

"Boy," Kathleen's laughter's filled the kitchen walls; a kitchen that in just a few days had offered more hours of warmth and motherly attention than all the years Meredith lived there as a child. "Ma...Kevin's almost fifty!"

"So are you," Carolyn told her, "and you're still my baby...at times. That boy's been in my life since you brought him home when he was three years old. And," Carolyn's Irish eyes twinkled, "it's not the boy you're missing...now...is it?"

"No," Kathleen said, and reached over and hugged her mother, "it's not," and she laughed.

"You brought your husband home when he was three years old?" The comment piqued Meredith's curiosity. "Do tell..."

"He ran away from home," Kathleen smiled fondly at the memory, "it was when his Mom had one of the babies...and I already knew what that was like, so I brought him home to live with us."

"That's adorable," Meredith said of the story. "You're lucky... to have so many wonderful childhood memories," she commented, unaware of how much she was revealing of herself.

"Girls," Carolyn lied, "I've been a little tired myself, and I'm going to take advantage that the two of you are here. I'll be busy enough the next few weeks," she teased Meredith, "trying to teach Meredith to cook," and all three women laughed.

"She's lying," Meredith stated when Carolyn walked out. "Well...maybe not about what's sure to be failing to teach me to cook."

"She knew I wanted to speak with you," Kathleen admitted. "But, warned me not to interfere, so I guess she changed her mind."

"Is something wrong?" Meredith asked.

"You're not getting any rest," Kathleen told her. "We're worried about you."

"I'm fine."

"Yes," Kathleen smiled, and reached over the kitchen table and placed her hand over Meredith's. "You probably are, or will be. But, right now, I agree with what Cristina told you last night. You look like crap, and you need to get some rest."

"I am..."

"Meredith," Kathleen said. "You're not sleeping. Mom's told me, that the last two nights, once Derek falls asleep you stay up reading."

"I'm not working," Meredith said. "I need to keep up. I've been reading and..."

"You're avoiding sleeping," Kathleen disregarded her explanation. "You've already admitted that to me and Nancy, and it's not healthy. Honey," Kathleen said softly, squeezing Meredith's hand tenderly, "you have to talk to him...he needs to know..."

"I can't," Meredith choked back a sob. "I can't do that to him...not now."

"I know my brother," Kathleen told her. "He'll be very upset, if he knows he could have helped...and didn't...Meredith, you need to share this with him."

"I don't want to lose him," Meredith admitted her biggest fears opened up to the woman that had once been a stranger, and now made it so incredibly easy to expose her vulnerabilities.

"You won't lose him." Kathleen assured her, "and it will be good for you both...to go through this together, it's the only way."

"Is that the psychiatrist speaking and offering advice?"

"I can't leave that at home," Kathleen told her, "just as you can't ignore that you are a doctor, and have certain medical knowledge. But, this is the sister speaking. The sister that cares, and knows you need his support."

"How can I do that to him? How can I tell him...now...when he's been through hell...still is..."

"You," Kathleen's eyes shone with unshed tears, "were going to have a baby... a baby he would have loved...and you're hurting, and mourning that loss..."

"Until him," Meredith admitted. "I never wanted kids..."

"But," Kathleen held both her hands, "you were going to have a baby...together...and he would want to know, and he's been asking...Meredith he knows you're sad...your eyes can't lie...share that sadness with him...don't take that away from him too."

"He was so angry..." Meredith's one lone tear escaped. "So angry at me..."

"Your nightmare," Kathleen soothed, "is a way to deal with your fear...I know my brother Meredith, he loves you...he will want to mourn that loss with you."

"I have to wait...till he's stronger..."

Kathleen met her gaze, unwavering, "trust me," she squeezed both her hands, and added very quietly. "Including him... will help you both. It's the only thing that can."

"Kathleen," Meredith responded, a new understanding between them that further strengthened the familial bonds to be shared for a lifetime.

"I sponsor a support group," Kathleen told her, "for couples that have experienced this."

"You..." Meredith had no doubts of her assessment, "you've gone through this."

"I have," Kathleen's eyes watered. "My first baby..."

"I'm sorry...I made you speak of it...I didn't know."

"Nobody does," Kathleen shared with her, "only Kevin... we went through that together..."

"I'm sorry...I can see it still upsets you," her eyes met his sister's with compassion.

"You never forget..."

"Your family doesn't know...Derek doesn't know?"

Kathleen shared her reasons. "We were about to be married, and hadn't told the family yet," and became lost in the memory. "We had planned to tell them that day, at Sunday dinner...then..." she was quiet, looked away and wiped away a tear.

"You don't have to go on," Meredith's turn to show her support as she squeezed her hand.

"I do," Kathleen told her, "because I want you to understand how important it is for Derek to know, for you to share this loss, because it is a deep loss, together, and I wanted you to know that there's hope...that there can be other healthy pregnancies after a miscarriage."

"Thank you," Meredith said simply, and both women remained silent for several minutes, each mourning the loss of that first child.

Kathleen felt right in lightening the mood a bit, "I'm not encouraging you to have five kids."

"I think we'll start with one," Meredith said, repeating the words Derek had told her.

"Talk to him," Kathleen reiterated. "Don't wait too long... don't do this alone."

The next day, Kathleen's last one in Seattle, in spite of his obvious physical exhaustion, Derek insisted on having dinner downstairs. Meanwhile, Kathleen took over the kitchen to prepare a favorite home cooked meal, and included Mark, Cristina, Lexie, and Alex who'd come home days before, though had kept to himself most of the time.

"Kat," Mark whispered in her ear, "that was really good. You can give her a run for her money."

"Ungrateful brat," Carolyn smacked the back of his head, "after all the years I cooked for you."

"You still have eyes in the back of your head," Mark turned, "and hearing like a bat."

Alex smirked. "He called her a bat," he said to Lexie.

"It's an ongoing joke," Derek told him. "I don't know why she puts up with him."

"He's doing the dishes," Carolyn instructed, "the rest of us are going to enjoy dessert now. Derek will need to go upstairs soon to get some rest."

"Ma," Derek argued, "I'm not five."

"No dear," Carolyn said. "You're not, but you're still going upstairs. Cristina will tell you it's important for your recuperation."

"Derek," Kathleen found her brother sitting in the den, speaking with Mark. "Do you feel like sitting outside for a bit?"

"I'm going miss you," Mark got up to hug her. "Especially all your bossiness. Don't know how Kevin puts up with you. But, if you ever change your mind about him, I'm here..."

"You idiot. He adores me," Kathleen taunted. "You should do well to try to find the right..."

"He's a manwhore," Derek interrupted. "He's a lost cause."

"I am not," Mark argued. "I can find one woman...and be faithful...and..."

"Stop thinking about it," Kathleen hugged him. "Mom told me about you and Lexie...I like her."

"I'm too old."

"Yeah," Kathleen said. "A grandfather at that..."

"Low blow," Derek teased, "even for you Kat..."

"Oh shut up," she told her brother. "Mind your own business," and she and Mark said their goodbyes, a friendship based on shared childhood memories.

"Just you and me," Kathleen said after she and Derek were alone, sitting on the porch bench.

Derek put his arm around her shoulder, kissed the top of her head. "I love you Kathleen. I've missed you," he cleared his throat, "a lot..."

"I've missed you too," his sister lay her head on his shoulder, "and if you ever stay away that long again, I'm going to kill you, and you better come visit before the end of the year."

"We will," Derek said, "we'll make a point of it. But, you can't gang up on her...she's not really comfortable around a lot of family."

"I think," Kathleen told him, "you've been sleeping too much the last few days, and missed the fact that she's been wonderful, with family."

"I don't want to overwhelm her. It's one thing to have the four of you here...but...back home..."

"Derek," Kathleen faced him, "she's wonderful. She loves you...and she's got such incredible strength. Don't undermine her. Just be there," she added, hopefully, in a subtle way, "to offer your support."

"She's talked to you," Derek stated, "about what's bothering her. Tell me..."

"Your wife," Kathleen said, "is dealing with the reality that in a moment's time, she almost lost you. She's afraid it can happen again. You need to assure her it won't..."

"Kathleen," Derek turned serious. "I prayed...begged God, and I hadn't done that in years, to let me live...that I could be there for her...she's never had anyone to depend on, and I've failed her so many times... but...I can't predict the future..."

"Don't be so melodramatic," Kathleen redirected the conversation to get her point across.

"I'm not..." Derek argued. "Months ago...we'd talked...about kids," his sister shifted uncomfortably at the subject. "Ironically," he paused, "I told her we should think of kids. That I didn't want her to be alone...if anything happened to me."

"Derek," she changed the subject of kids. "I swear... if you do anything stupid to put yourself in danger again, I will kill you!"

"I'm not planning on it," he smiled at the older sister he knew so well. "Kathleen...if there was something wrong with Meredith...you'd tell me? I know you've talked to her...and you may think it's better to keep things from me..."

"If there was something wrong with her," Kathleen told him, "that talking to you couldn't help...yes, I would tell you. Give her time Derek, let her tell you how all of this has affected her," she didn't want to lie outright, "and be understanding, and caring."

"You know," Derek said, "if this had to happen...at least I'm glad that you got to meet Meredith and that you understand what she means to me."

"You're totally brainless," she stated, as any good sister would. "You could have brought her home for us to meet her. That's what most families do."

"I love you too, Kathleen," he chuckled, bringing on a bout of coughing.

"You idiot," his sister reprimanded, "you shouldn't do that."

"I'm supposed to cough..." Derek argued back.

"I know," Kathleen softened, "but I hate to see you in pain."

"You're more and more like Mom..." Derek reached for her hand.

"We've realized," she smiled at him, "it's not always a bad thing. We were lucky Derek, to have her, after Daddy..."

"Yeah..." the two became sentimental, and he simply nodded. Unable to speak of the vulnerability of long ago; so soon after facing his own mortality at the hands of a gunman, albeit a crazed one, versus cold blooded murderers. The siblings spent almost an hour together before it was time for Kathleen to leave for the airport, and accepted a pre-arranged ride from Lexie.

"Mom," Kathleen hugged her mother, "don't spoil him too much. Meredith will have to deal with that after you're gone and he's worse than some of the kids."

"Thanks Kat," Derek pretended offense at her words.

"You know it's true," she hugged him one more time. "You'll have plenty of free time the next few weeks...book your airline tickets...there's no excuse this time Derek."

"We'll visit," Meredith answered for him, and put her arm around his waist. Wanting to let him know she was not avoiding the visit and the inevitable large family gathering.

"I love you Kathleen," Derek told his sister one more time. "Thanks for being here."

"Hey..." she smiled, "you don't thank family," and with that walked out followed by Meredith.

"Thank you," Meredith said, "for everything."

"Meredith, remember all I said. My brother loves you...don't shut him out."

"I won't," Meredith told her. "I'll tell him..."

"I'm a phone call away Meredith," Kathleen told her. "Anytime...you call me if you need me."

"Thank you again, for all you've done...taking care of things here...and..."

"Meredith," Kathleen kissed her check. "I told Derek...no thanks are necessary. We're family," and she hugged her tightly. "Get used to that...we've got a good fifty years ahead of us."

"Are there no secrets?" Meredith laughed.

"He talks a lot," Kathleen smiled, "but...we gave him hell...for what he did...the ass..."

"Kathleen," Meredith's eyes watered. "I'm glad...that I got to meet you..."

"Meredith," she told her. "I'm delighted we did...and wait till you come home...we're going to rake him over the coals over all the times he's been brainless...we couldn't do it with him in the hospital...but just you wait... Aunt Pat's going to let him have it!"

The days that followed became increasingly burdensome for Meredith, in spite of having told Kathleen she'd speak with Derek and tell him about the miscarriage, every day was a painful reminder of that day and when he finally would lie in bed at night, resting, she couldn't bring herself to upset him further. Even Cristina grew concerned, and threatened to tell Derek herself, if Meredith continued the nightly sleepless pattern. Carolyn, had overheard the conversation, and taken Meredith's side, telling Cristina she agreed it needed to be discussed, but that only Meredith would know when the time was right.

Exactly two weeks after he came home, and a couple days before her appointment with Dr. Cameron, her carefully acted charade would crumble.

Derek had been at the hospital for his physical therapy that day, and Meredith had witnessed how brutally draining it had been. That night, it all finally caught up with her; had almost led to an argument with him, when she wanted him to consider taking a strong painkiller.

"Come to bed Meredith," Derek said, a hint of frustration in his voice. "You look like hell..."

"Thanks...I'm glad to know that's what you're thinking..."

"Stop it." He cut her off immediately. "I'm in pain. Please, come to bed."

"If you weren't so stubborn and would take a pain killer, you're allowed."

"Meredith," he pleaded. "I need you...you're the best cure for any pain..."

Meredith put down her reading material and approached the bed, "that was really corny...and sappy...and...manipulative..."

"I need my wife," he told her, "not a nag..."

"A nag..." her eyes opened wide, "and I look like hell..."

"Mer," he pulled her on to the bed. "I'm exhausted...and this damned incision hurts all the time, please, come get some rest...you have dark circles, you're not getting any rest."

"I am..."

"Fine," he told her. "When I fall asleep, you can get up again, like you do every night..."

"I don't..."

"Please," he said, "come to bed. I'm exhausted, and I want some normalcy in my life. What I need desperately, is you, in my arms."

Meredith couldn't resist his request, the look in his eyes, and gathered him close to her. "I love you, Derek...and I'm not a nag."

"I love you too," he smiled, "and you can be...especially since Mom's been here."

"Ass," she laughed softly.

"That's more like it," he kissed the top of her head. "I love you."

Meredith allowed herself the comfort of his embrace, the safety of being in his arms. Involuntarily, her eyes closed and eventually she fell into a deep sleep, and then the darkness of the recurrent nightmare that had haunted her for days would bring her deepest fears to light.

"It's not true," Meredith cried out, darkness engulfing her deeper and deeper within the labyrinth of her fears; a labyrinth as complex as that in mythology, where its creator had needed help to find his way out of it; much like Meredith's fears now fed her nightmare, only one person could help her find the way out of its darkness.

It was after midnight, when her restlessness woke him, and he could tell how disturbed she was. Meredith whimpered softly, and then started to cry in her sleep and became more agitated.

"Derek...it's not true..." she faced him, and begged, "you have to believe me...please, she's lying," and her mother's voice continued to haunt her. "Meredith, you don't ever beg a man. Did I teach nothing at all...you have to depend on yourself...and a child would only tie you down...you didn't want a baby...that's why you had a miscarriage, your body knew your true feelings and took care of it." Meredith's cries were heartbreaking to Derek, unable to make sense of her words.

"I knew it," Ellis' voice continued, "from the moment I met him, he wanted to control you, and having a child would do that. He'll never forgive you Meredith...that you didn't tell him, that you didn't give him a chance to take you away from there, to celebrate," she mocked. "As though a child is a celebration...you know I regretted having you...I lost Richard because of it. But, now, you'll be on your own...it will give you a chance to not be ordinary," every turn within her dream led to another path of darkness. "He is probably right, if you had told him, you would have been away from the hospital, he wouldn't have been shot, you wouldn't have lost the embryo...it was not a baby Meredith...it was only a bunch of cells...of course," she mocked again, "he'll think it was a baby...and will blame you. It's true...that's how it happened, and he'll hate you...and leave you, just like Richard left me."

"No," Meredith cried out, thrashing around in the bed, "it's not true...it's not what happened. It wasn't my fault...it wasn't...you're wrong...it was," she whimpered, "a baby..."

"Meredith," wake up, "Meredith...you're having a nightmare...wake up," she heard a distant familiar voice, but still she was sucked into the darkness and her mother's familiar voice.

"He'll never forgive you Meredith, don't you remember, he thinks you're a lemon...that there's no fixing you...he even thought you'd have crappy babies, and you would," the heartbreaking painfulness of her mother's words made her fight back.

"You're wrong...he loves me," and Derek's voice became clearer, closer, and she followed the voice, towards the light at the center of the labyrinth, and gave in to the warmth of being held and caressed lovingly; gave in to the sense and safety of love's tender touch. "Derek loves me."

"I love you," Derek kept repeating tenderly. "Meredith...please...wake up I love you...I do...it's a nightmare...please wake up," and she finally opened her eyes, and unlike her nightmare, she found only love in his eyes, and gentle understanding.

"She...my mother," Meredith looked around, "she's wrong...so wrong..."

"What was she wrong about," he soothed, "she said I didn't love you," he repeated all he had understood of the words she mumbled. "You know she was wrong...because, you're the love of my life...and I'm never going to let you go..."

"She," Meredith's lips trembled, "it was awful...so awful...and it doesn't go away...every night."

"You've been having this dream every night," he asked. "Meredith...how long has this been going on?"

Meredith faced him, cheeks dampened by the tears she didn't even realize she'd shed during the nightmare, there was only one option but to share her fears with him, and she knew, she'd be breaking his heart. "Since that night...that day..." she bit her lower lip.

"The day I was shot?"

She only nodded, it had been so much more than that...the day she almost lost him, the day she felt her life had ended as she saw him lying in a pool of blood, and then the moment she felt the life they had created begin to slip away.

"Tell me about it," he said, "it helps...if you talk about it..."

"I don't want to talk about it," she admitted.

"Meredith," he caressed her face, "you've been having this nightmare for weeks. You need to talk about it. A lot of times...it's just fears that mean nothing..."

"It was awful," she told him, "and it's not true..."

"What's not true," he asked. "What did you mother say...that I didn't love you...that's all I could make out of your mumblings, though you may have said something about a baby...that would make sense, you're no sure about having a baby...we can wait," he kissed her softly.

Meredith met his gaze, her eyes swimming with tears, making it hard to see him clearly, "that morning...I found out I was pregnant..."

Derek was shocked. Paralyzed in fact, and then she saw his smile, and he gently laid his hand on her abdomen. "We're going to have a baby..."

_Chapter 19 – Devastating Revelation – to follow _

_Hope you're not too disappointed in the approach I chose, long ago, to deal with both issues mentioned at the beginning of this chapter's author's note. As in all the stories I've written for MD, I wanted to give Meredith the bonds of family. The "nightmare" and its consequences were hinted at in earlier OB chapters, as relates to how it would compare to Shattered Dreams. The next chapter, I'm continuing to write after posting, but, it was a natural pause – albeit, a tiny cliff, to which we all know the answer. The next chapter begins immediately following Derek's misconception. I will complete it this week and post at the latest next weekend, and will deal with Meredith's "infertility" from a much different perspective than Rhimes'._

_Ok... I have to say, I had to go back to read a couple chapters today, to make sure I had continuity in this one, and Derek told Amy (back in June 2011 in this story) maybe we'll work together. If only...my idea of his family being there could have happened as well. Warm regards, Jasmin_


	19. Chapter 19

_A/N February 27, 2012 – Thanks for reading & sincere appreciation to those of you that have commented. To Both Sue's... thank you for your continued and always enthusiastic support. I've written the chapter that has Derek's initial reaction to the miscarriage, and I was going to include Meredith's infertility. However, rather than wait, given last week's unresolved revelation, I'm going to post what I've written thus far, though much shorter than usual chapters, and address the other issues separately, as unsure how much time I'll have to write this week. _

_It has always seemed to me that Patrick Dempsey knows his character, and what viewers expect to see, much better than Rhimes. Below partial post of an article from TVfanatic regarding season 7 spoilers and includes quotes from Patrick. _

_Derek is released from the hospital, still unaware of Meredith's pregnancy and miscarriage. "I think he'll be devastated," says Patrick Dempsey. "Seeing how quick life can be, I think they'll want to have a child even more. Why not create a life before you lose your own?"_

_Thanks again for commenting, the fact that so many of you did last week made me want to post this next part as quickly as possible, even if it is shorter. Warm regards, Jasmin_

_**Obliterated Hopes - Chapter 19 - Devastating revelation Pt 1**_

_Meredith met his gaze, her eyes swimming with tears, making it hard to see him clearly, "that morning...I found out I was pregnant..."_

_Derek was shocked. Paralyzed in fact, and then she saw his smile, and he gently laid his hand on her abdomen. "We're going to have a baby..."_

"Oh God," Meredith brought her hand to her mouth and closed her eyes. "Oh God," she could only shake her head in denial. "I'm sorry ... so sorry," she forced herself to look at him, resigned to the inevitable disappointment; the inevitable look on his face that had haunted her over and over again.

"Sorry," Derek repeated; confused by her words. "Meredith, why are you sorry," and then it dawned on him, over two weeks of the inexplicable and sudden emptiness he would see in her eyes, and he faced the heartbreaking reality of her words. "This," he said, "is what you've been keeping from me...the reason you've looked so sad, and you didn't want to tell me you were unhappy...that you weren't ready...that you aren't ready..." he paused, trying desperately to be supportive and understanding of a situation they had not fully expected, and for once in his relationship with Meredith, to think of her first; only her.

Meredith met his gaze, his words evoking emotions similar to a roller coaster that suddenly stopped in mid-air, and then, without warning plunges precipitously downward, seemingly out of control. She took a deep breath; had to breathe, as she couldn't escape or avoid the pain of the devastating loss she knew he would experience. Time seemed to stand still; prolonging the situation no longer an option as she agonized over the right words to tell him.

"Meredith," he soothed and cupped her face, desperately trying to be sensitive, yet, he smiled ever so slightly. She was pregnant, and he knew the effects hormones would be having on her. "I know it's scary," his thumb gently caressed her cheek, "and unexpected...and probably the worst of times...and I can understand, you may not have been happy...but we can do this," that McDreamy smile shattered the remaining composure, "we'll do this, together."

"You think," she looked at him, his face unfocused through her tears, "I was unhappy...that I didn't want ..." she broke down, weeks of controlling her emotions in front of him wiped away in seconds. "Oh...God..." her voice was laced with pain, "Derek...no..." she cried, unable to regain control.

"Meredith," Derek placed his hand on her shoulder, she felt the gentle, tender touch as his hand caressed his way to cradle her neck, "please...don't cry...talk to me."

"I..." she couldn't get the words out, "I was..." she closed her eyes. "I was...happy..."

"Ok," he said, somewhat indulgently, and thought the hormones issue was going to be quite an experience. "You're happy, I'm happy," he said with a silly grin. "Maybe, happy doesn't begin to describe what I feel," she heard the catch in his voice, "even if I'm shocked a little...we've been careful."

She couldn't allow him to continue thinking she was pregnant, and she blurted it out; the devastating revelation she'd kept secret for weeks. "I lost it...that day...after your surgery..."

"You lost it..." the look on Derek's face was exactly as the one of disappointment in her dream.

"There was nothing," she said, trying to explain, but failing. She looked away from him, emotionally unprepared to face the lack of forgiveness she expected, as in her dream, was to follow next. "Nothing to do," she wiped her tears away with the back of her hand, "to stop it..." her lower lip trembled, and she pulled slightly away from him.

"You..." Derek's eyes were filled with tears at the realization of what she'd said, and gently raised her chin to meet his gaze, "had a miscarriage...that day..."

All she could do was nod, before she looked away.

"Meredith," her name was but a whisper before he gathered her in his arms. "You lost our baby," his words caught on a sob, "that day...you lost our baby."

"I'm sorry," her were words barely audible.

"You didn't say anything," he finally spoke, pulling lightly away from her, but not letting her go.

"I couldn't..." she said, "tell you," she spoke her fears, her obvious vulnerability giving Derek a brief glimpse of what she'd been feeling since that day. "I...couldn't lose you too."

"Lose me," Derek was certain he'd misunderstood, "why...would you lose me..."

"I didn't tell you...that day...I should have...could have made sure you knew...and maybe..."

"Meredith," Derek hugged her closer, the physical pain he'd experienced as a result of the shooting was nothing in comparison to the heart wrenching pain he saw in her eyes; finally, the sadness and emptiness she'd been carrying around for weeks identified. "I could have helped...Meredith," his touch was tender and caring, "all this time...I could have helped."

"How...could I tell you," she faced him. "How could I ...after all you've been through."

"We lost a baby," Derek pursed his lips. "A baby..."

"I knew," Meredith said, "how happy you would have been... and I didn't want you to go through the pain..." she paused, unable to continue. "I could do that ... spare you what I felt..."

"I could have helped you," he repeated, "if I'd known...all this time..."

"There was nothing to do," she comforted. "Not anymore."

"I could have held you, and made sure you were ok...and that you were taking care of yourself...and told you how much I loved you."

"I was ok..." she lied to him. "I was ok..."

"You saw a doctor," Derek's main concern was her health. "It's been more than two weeks."

"I did," she squeezed his hand gently, as he'd not let go of hers. "I have to go back in a couple of days, for a follow up visit."

"That's not usual," he said absently, warning bells refusing to be silenced.

"I'm ok," she told him. "It's routine," she tried to convince him, and accomplished it momentarily.

"Meredith," Derek touched her face tenderly, the sadness in his eyes mirroring her own, "you were really... happy?"

"Oh God," she broke down, and in her eyes, he saw the depth of her soul, and knew, unequivocally that she had been happy. "Yes," she said, and felt the warmth of his strength, and sobbed.

"No more tears, Meredith... please," Derek said, holding her lovingly in his embrace; the physical pain once again forgotten in the midst of their emotional heartache. He wasn't going to pry immediately, but it concerned him that she'd believed she would lose him, and his thoughts focused on the nightmare she'd had, and some of her mumblings began to make sense.

Long before her tears subsided, sometime in the pre-dawn hours, Meredith attempted to disengage herself from Derek's embrace.

"I need to hold you," he murmured.

"I don't want to hurt you," she said, her voice hoarse from the endless tears and the heartbreaking sobs that followed the revelation of the miscarriage; his own emotions temporarily kept at bay, offering strength; allowing her to openly grieve for the loss of a dream he'd known nothing about, allowing her to give in to the emptiness and void it had created; and the yet unrevealed fears she still harbored as a result of a much too realistic recurrent nightmare.

The night was young, only hours after the new day had begun, the moonless, cloudy Seattle sky foretold the fury of a yet to be unleashed unexpected storm; and then, an emotional storm of similar proportions, would also be witnessed by the night, as Derek spoke in the darkness of the night. "Meredith," his voice couldn't hide his sadness, "will you tell me...about that morning." He felt the sudden rigidness of her body. "When you found out...when you were happy..."

Hours later the new dawn would give way to months of emotional trials and fears, but ultimately, with a new sunrise, there would be hope for a future Meredith and Derek had never imagined.

_A/N 27 Feb – Again, thanks to all of you that reviewed._

_I'd like to acknowledge the comment that the story is moving very slowly, as it has indeed. Though in reality the timeframe of events is less than three weeks, it seems much longer, since there were so many months in between updates. I'd hoped to have finished this long ago, rather than making it drag, and I apologize for the delay, and if the pace and the story itself have failed to meet your expectations. This is going to move quicker now, and believe there are no more than four chapters left to write. Have a nice week, Jasmin_

_A/N 4/6/12 - For anyone still reading... yes, I will be writing this weekend, though Good Friday is a quiet day for reflection; a s__ignificant day to acknowledge my own flaws of impatience/intolerance. "Patience is the companion of wisdom." - St. Augustine_

_Wish all of you celebrating Passover & Easter the Blessings of those Holidays_

_p.s... not so spiritual a message... but, can I say I loved that Shattered Dreams Derek has been "roaring" for a long while ... including the last chapter & loved that he roared on GA last night ..._


	20. Chapter 20

_A/N April 18, 2012 – It's been hard continuing to get inspired to write this, but did want to finish writing and include all those things that bothered me in regard to S6F and aftermath. Hope you're not too disappointed with the way this chapter unfolds, as I admit, the earlier chapters had much more attention to detail; there are a few things I still want to address and will do so in the next two remaining chapters. Thanks to each of you that has remained interested in this story, and apologies for how long it has taken to write._

_Warm regards, Jasmin_

_A/N August 18, 2012 - Thanks to the new readers and all that have left a comment since the last post. I have not abandoned the story, and do intend to complete it, especially after the season finale (the only one of Grey's A I have not watched!) which has not left me with a lot of interest for season 9, and Meredith and Derek (as portrayed by Ellen & Patrick) are the only reason I will likely watch after episode 3 or 4 this year. I hope the rest of this story, as I'd envisioned when it first began, will not disappoint you. Warm regards, Jasmin_

_**Obliterated Hopes - Chapter 20 - Devastating revelation Pt. 2 **_

The early rays of sunlight filtered through the rust and cream striped kitchen curtains, their reflection this morning promising glimpses of a brighter future; invisible still, as the wake of dawn harbored the storms of the night before; nature's own and those born of emotional heartache, both still hovering like a dark cloud over Derek's slumped figure at the kitchen table.

"Oh God," Derek's almost inaudible muttering preceded him resting his shoulders on the wood surface; eyes closed, his forehead cupped by both hands.

"Derek," Carolyn grew alarmed at her son's tone, and obvious expression of anguish, and approached, placing her hand gently on his shoulder; the familiar touch, that mother's tender loving touch was his undoing.

His apparent, momentary, stillness was betrayed by the slight movement of his shoulders, and the low guttural demand of the God he once trusted. "What next...God damn it...what else, must you put her through."

His privacy invaded, Derek took a deep breath, then another. Meredith's heart aching revelation rendered the now normal physical pain of breathing insignificant.

"She was pregnant," he no longer felt the need to conceal his emotions, no longer able to, as he embraced his mother's concern, "and she thought I would blame her...she's been alone through all of this..."

"Derek," Carolyn hugged him, though Derek remained unmoving; his gazedfixed on the small pots with leafy greens on the window sill, and the partially opened striped curtains

"She was alone...and then, for almost three weeks... all alone... when I should have been there."

"Oh sweetheart," Carolyn's teary gazed met his, unaware, of how much Meredith had shared.

"Ma..." Derek pursed his lips, continued to look away, as he shook his head. "She's been through so much...and she doesn't get a God damn break..."

"Derek Christopher," his mother understood, yet did not approve of his damning of the God she believed in, "you know how I feel about you speaking like that."

"Ma," Derek met his mother's gaze, "she was going to have a baby..."

Carolyn's gaze was filled with tenderness. "You were both going to have a baby."

Derek nodded, before he uttered, "she lost...our baby," and Carolyn embraced her son, and he gave himself permission to mourn and did not hold back his emotions; unlike his earlier reaction, when he maintained his composure for Meredith's sake. "I should have been with her," he said minutes later, "she shouldn't have had to go through this alone."

"She didn't have you," Carolyn soothed; her hand on his arm, as she now sat beside him. "But, sweetheart, she wasn't alone, and once I found out..."

"You knew..." Derek's comment stunned her; silencing her, as not to divulge more than Meredith was ready to share with him. "She had a miscarriage."

Carolyn wanted to reassure him that his wife had not been entirely alone, but, she wasn't quite sure how well Meredith would accept her revealing information she apparently had yet to share with Derek. "I guessed something was wrong," Carolyn admitted.

"Tell me..."

"Derek," Carolyn said softly, "let her tell you."

"Mom," he pleaded, "it's been over two weeks since I've been home...and longer still," he was indeed emotional, "since it happened...please..."

"Sweetheart," Carolyn spoke in a calming, motherly tone. "I can assure you that she didn't have to deal with this all alone," she was careful in her wording, as Meredith had indeed suffered the miscarriage on her own. "Cristina was also there with her. But, she's so vulnerable right now, and I think it's important for her to know she can trust me...that I won't be an interfering mother in law."

Derek pursed his lips. Nodded. "Is she ok now? You'd tell me, if she's not."

"She'll be ok." His mother told him. "The two of you will get through this together."

"She didn't tell me." Derek stated. "All this time..."

"She's been trying to protect you," was all his mother would say. "She knew learning of it would upset you. She wanted to wait, till you were better."

Meredith reached for his side of the bed, immediately alerted by his absence. "Derek," she called out, still groggy from sleep, "are you ok?"

"He's not here dear," Carolyn said from her place in the bedroom chair.

"What's wrong," Meredith sat up quickly. "Derek's not here...did something happen...please tell me..."

"He's ok," Carolyn was already at the bedside, pushing her gently against the cushions.

"He can't be," Meredith argued as she sat up quickly again. "You're here...and..."

"He didn't want you to wake up alone." Carolyn offered as explanation, while expertly soothing and gently persuading Meredith to lie back against the pillows.

"Carolyn," Meredith's gaze was teary, and her voice defeated. "I'm used to getting bad news...you can tell me...I won't..."

"I'm not sure which of you is worse," Carolyn began to say, "or more trouble...to..."

"I'm sorry," Meredith's doubts surfaced immediately, "I don't mean to cause you any trouble."

"That is not what I meant," his mother insisted. "I'm used to my children being difficult," she saw the doubts all over her daughter in law's face, "and stubborn, and the two of you are competing with each other regarding which one jumps to bad conclusions faster..."

"I told you," Meredith looked away, "I'm not bright and shiny... and I'm not the girl Mom's..."

Carolyn dismissed her comment, "and I've told you... as did my girls when they were here, I'm not easy to discourage from mothering...so...you'll need to get used to it."

"Carolyn," Meredith said, "is Derek really ok..."

"He didn't want to go to therapy," his mother stated honestly.

"He has to...it's important...he can't miss that..."

"That's exactly what I told him you'd say."

Meredith relaxed slightly, "he's at the hospital...but...you're here...he can't drive."

"He didn't want you to be alone," Carolyn smiled. "Lexie drove and Mark will drive him home."

"Why didn't he wake me?"

"Meredith," Carolyn said gently, "he told me you had a nightmare, he was very upset..."

"He didn't want me with him," Meredith assumed, in spite of his reassurances the night before. "He was so upset...that I didn't tell him... he must have thought about it...and thinks it's my fault."

"He is worried about you and did not want to leave you alone," Carolyn said, "and you need to tell him everything...Meredith."

"I told him..." Meredith said unconvincingly.

"He thinks you were alone...you didn't tell him about the D & C...the hemorrhaging..."

"What for," Meredith's eyes watered, met her mother in law's, "he can't do anything..."

"He can," Carolyn soothed, "he can share your loss...it was his baby too..."

Meredith's sob caught in her throat, "oh... God...how can I cause him more pain..."

"You've been through a heartbreaking experience... and he almost died...and you were with him and now," Carolyn pursed her lips, her own gaze teary, "you were going to have a baby...and on that horrible day he thinks you were alone... I didn't want to meddle. And didn't know how much you'd told him," she shared her conversation with Derek. "But it may help if you let him know you had some support...he's distraught that you were alone...I "

"He'll brood over it," Meredith spoke openly, "and probably think he could have changed things...but Carolyn, there was nothing he could have done...you know that..."

"I do know my son," Carolyn held Meredith's hand, "and it seems the two of you are two of a kind...brooding and worrying about each other."

"I told you," Meredith said, "I was dark and twisty..."

"You," Carolyn squeezed her hand, "are a lovely woman who loves my son...and you've been through a nightmare...you're entitled to be dark and twisty. But instead, all I see is someone who loves my son and wants to spare him more pain...there's nothing dark and twisty about that sweetheart, that's what love and strength are all about..."

"You think," Meredith held Carolyn's gaze, "he needs to know everything..."

"I think he wants to know," his mother told her, "and it can help you both to heal."

"Carolyn," Meredith said, "I've never been very good with family...and..."

Carolyn interrupted her, "sweetheart, it's at times like this when we are truly ourselves...and you are kind and compassionate and loving, and you have such strength Meredith...don't ever doubt yourself...and," she smiled at her, "I'm no pushover..."

Carolyn's tone and expression made Meredith laugh and Carolyn reached out to her and hugged her. "That's my girl," and with that statement, Meredith Grey allowed herself to give in to the genuine comfort of a mother's loving embrace.

"What's wrong?" Derek said from the doorway, automatically jumping to conclusions as he saw the two most important women in his life sharing a hug.

"Nothing's wrong," Meredith and Carolyn answered simultaneously, as a physically exhausted Derek walked in the bedroom.

"Derek," Carolyn turned to him, "is Mark downstairs?"

"He's talking with Alex. Apparently he's taking all the credit for saving his life."

"Derek," Meredith was at his side, "you're tired."

"Yeah..." he admitted, "but, I'm worried about you."

"I'm ok..." she told him, "really... I am..."

"Meredith..."

Carolyn Shepherd left the room quietly, and as she closed the door behind her said a silent prayer. "You've been there for me since I lost my Irish. Let my son find you again."

"Did Mark help you up the stairs?" Meredith asked him.

"Mer...I'm fine..."

"Derek...you're tired ...you should rest..."

"I'm not a fucking invalid..."

"I know that," she was not expecting his reaction and pulled back.

"I'm sorry," Derek said and reached for her and hugged her tightly. "I feel so useless."

"You've been shot...you're recuperating...you're doing great..." she encouraged. "But after your therapy you know you need to rest...a bath always helps... I'll go run..."

"No." He was adamant. "Stop doing that. I need to do something, today...I need to be here... just for you."

"I'm ok..." Meredith comforted.

"Are you?" He asked her.

"Yes..." she started to say, but the sadness in his eyes was all she needed to understand how much she needed so share with him; to share the loss of a dream they'd known nothing about.

"Meredith..." Derek's gaze was still on hers, "are you ok?"

"I'm..." she bit her lower lip, admitting what she'd avoided for weeks, her eyes watered involuntarily, heartbreak and vulnerability no longer hidden from him, "not ok," Meredith whispered.

"Oh...God..." Derek reached for her, held her tenderly, whispered tender loving words as she cried quietly in his arms; the moment of truth finally at hand.

"Meredith," he had made sure she lay down, her emotional exhaustion as evident as his, and at first, all he did was hold her, soothe her into much needed rest for them both; then, they lay side by side, hands entwined facing each other, "can you tell me about it…share all of it with me..." one hand caressed her cheek, "maybe…I can help…"

"You have helped," she breathed deeply. "But...Derek...I didn't want you to hurt anymore...and I couldn't lose you ... couldn't lose you too," she said, and with those words began their healing.

"I'll always be here," he promised her. "You won't have to worry again."

"You promised me," she said softly, "a lifetime…Derek…you did…"

"We'll have that…" he kissed her again, "we will Meredith."

"No more doubts," he told her, and their eyes met and held as unspoken silent promises were made. "I won't let you down," he said before they shared a kiss that sealed the depth of their love and commitment, irrevocably, once more.

"What," she said softly, "do you want to know?"

"Everything…" he whispered while his eyes filled with longing for a child that was no more. "When did you know? Why didn't you tell me you suspected..."

"I didn't know," she said almost defensively, "not at first...but for five days, I kept throwing up at the same time..."

"You knew for five days...and didn't tell me..." he couldn't hide his disappointment.

"I was going to," she said, "but you had so much going on...and I didn't want to tell you, unless I was certain...and then that morning...I had to know," she bit her lip, looked away, "and then..."

"It's ok," he soothed, running his hand through her hair, "it's ok..."

"It's not ok," Meredith shook her head. "I was happy...Derek...scared...but I was happy..."

"You found out that morning..." he repeated. "You came to my office...I hadn't seen you..."

"I did...it felt so huge...so unexpected..."

"I didn't pay attention to you..." he said immediately recalling that ill-fated morning, "if I had...Meredith...if I had looked at you..." he pursed his lips, "I would have known..."

"Derek," Meredith said, "please don't do this... we can't change it."

"You said it felt huge..." he said. "I would have guessed," he said sadly, "if I had looked at you, instead of focusing on paperwork...even now, I can imagine what your eyes held...there are no secrets when we look at each other..." he caressed her cheek lovingly. "They'd have looked bright and blue...with that secret smile of yours...I'd have known," he said, "your smile held extraordinary news..."

"Maybe," she said lovingly, her hand cupping his face, "it was God's way to keep us from feeling more pain... that's what Nancy and Kathleen said. He knew it wasn't meant to be...so he spared us that moment," her eyes shone, "so...we didn't have to both go through that happiness and then the sadness...and disappointment."

"But," Derek told her, "aren't we going through that now."

"It made sense," Meredith told him. "What they said...they helped Derek, they both did..."

"Everyone knew," Derek said, "but me..."

"No," Meredith told him, "everyone didn't know..."

"Ma knew," Derek stated simply. "She wouldn't tell me much..."

"She's been wonderful," Meredith told him. "You're lucky," she said with a bittersweet smile, "to have such a caring mother."

"She said you weren't alone...who was with you? How...when did it happen..."

"Derek," Meredith said, "I don't think it will help...all the details..."

"Please," he pleaded softly. "I should have been there...for you...as you have for me."

"You were shot," in spite of her resolve not to cry, he sensed the flow of tears before they were shed. "You almost died," she offered as explanation.

"Meredith," he said, "no avoiding... let's share this...together," and held her hands in his; raised them to his lips. "When you came to my office...were you going to tell me?"

"I was...but...then it felt like it needed to be special...the two of us at home..."

"Would you have told me, if I hadn't been so preoccupied..."

"Don't do this," Meredith said, "no second guessing...no brooding..."

"Ok," he agreed. "But, same applies to you..."

"Ok," she nodded.

"Were you pleased?" he asked. "When you found out…we weren't planning it…"

"I was," she said, and a single tear escaped, "a little scared...but..."

"We can wait," he said, "we can wait for you to tell me…when you're ready…"

"I found out that morning," she continued, knowing there was no more reason to wait. "It was such a surprise…but…" another tear escaped. "I was happy…we were having a baby…our baby…" and she felt his lips on her cheek, kissing the tears away.

"You told Cristina," he stated quietly.

"I told her. Maybe, if had told you first... all would have been different...and maybe..."

"Meredith," he reminded her, "we agreed...no second guessing...nothing would have changed, Clarke was already there ..."

"That's what she said," Meredith told him and shared their conversation; all their suppositions about him taking her away to celebrate. "That you wouldn't be sad...but...that we're alive..."

"Meredith, she's right... but, I don't understand...why you didn't tell me, all these weeks, I could have helped...instead, you weren't sleeping...you had nightmares..."

"It was awful..." Meredith admitted. "Derek the look on your face...and she kept telling me how you'd blame me..."

"Cristina?" he asked confused.

"My mother," she told him, "it was awful...so awful..." she said, "and I could see the look on your face...and you pulled away from me...she said it was my fault..."

"Meredith," he soothed, "it wasn't your fault...you have to know that..."

"Part of me knows," she said quietly. "But..."

"Meredith," he kissed her softly. "We're doctors... we know...sometimes..." he tried to be supportive, to offer scientific reasoning his heart couldn't fully accept, "it happens."

"Maybe," Meredith's emotions had never been so vulnerable, "my mother was right," and he contradicted her, and lovingly encouraged her to share her nightmare, to voice her fears, and the hours that followed were spent as two lovers who'd unexpectedly and briefly believed they would become a family; parents mourning the loss of a child, only a fetus many would say; a child both had loved in the very brief moments its presence was confirmed, or in his case presumed; sharing the pain of the loss that helped to bring them both healing as they held one another through the hours of a day they would never forget.

The rest of the day was spent in their room; physical and emotional weariness leading to prolonged periods of silence and sleep as they craved the others touch at every moment; hands entwined, bodies embracing, or simply a look that spoke of a love and commitment meant to be shared for a lifetime.

Quiet whispers, intermittent sniffles and silent tears were the backdrop for the hours that followed as they shared the most heartbreaking, intimate and poignant conversation of their married life as she filled in all the details of that ill-fated day; how she'd found out.

"All those hours at the hospital," Meredith said, "all I could think about... I'd lost a part of us...a tiny baby...you'd have loved...I couldn't lose you too...not when I just realized how much I wanted... I wanted it all...with you..."

"Meredith," the single word, as was his touch, a gentle caress, offering love and comfort; silently begging the God of his childhood to let him fulfill his promises. "We'll have it."

"I thought," Meredith whispered in the silence of their embrace, "it would have been a boy..."

Derek held her, emotions deeply guarded; unwilling to share the pain of her devastating revelations; revelations that on a fateful tragic night, her once loved hospital sanctuary had become the site of obliterated hopes.

God smiled down on the couple; surely a mother's prayers would be answered, and with the dawn of morning, hope renewed.

_A/N - 4/19/12 WOW 500 views & not one single comment! Sometimes...silence speaks louder than words & maybe it's time to let this story end._

_A/N - 4/20/12 thanks to the 5 of you that left a review, you have not idea how very much appreciated & for the PM I've answered for letting me know you had problems logging in, as after seeing 1,500+ views...and 6 reviews... inspiration dwindles considerably... and really, the reason I'm going to wrap this up much quicer than intended in the next two chapters (it may possibly be just one more to wrap this up). Thank you, again, to those of you that found the last chapter was worth making a comment. Warm regards, Jasmin_


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